peace and prayers

almost a year ago, 
my life changed.
now i no longer need to be concerned
with doctor appointments, food,
competent care, and on...
for my mom and dad.
now it's just for dad.
i no longer can count on 
the physical love and verbal support
from my mom.  
i'm still adjusting some days to 
those changes. 

as the anniversary of mom's death
approaches i've been re-reading
my journaling from her last few weeks.
some of it was posted here, 
some wasn't.

my heart has conflicting responses to those.
in some ways, 
it's comforting to remember those days. 
mom was still here,
we could still chat. 
i could still see those brown eyes
full of much expression, love.  
i was pouring myself in to my folks,
giving as much as i could.
i knew the days were numbered.

i would do it all again.

my other response,
the sinking-stomach-feeling  
i have a bit...
well... i'm not
appreciating that quite so much.
but it's okay.
my mom's life is worthy of 
my grief and loss.

**********
on another note
psalm 39:6
has been speaking to me these 
past weeks.
" for You are the fountain of life,
the light by which we see." 

so i'm meditating on those words.
words that tell me about the fountain.
words that draw me to the light. 
consequently my stomach doesn't sink 
quite so much. 

this november when my emotions
were running down hill rampantly i
encountered this ..
" though he brings grief, he 
also shows compassion according
to the greatness of his unfailing
love."
lamentations 3:32  
my focus became on the compassion
and unfailing love.  

as we go in to the end of our first
year with out mom, we covet
your prayers.
especially for my sweet,
and sometimes-lost-seeming poppa.

may you have peace,
and delight this year. 
that's my plan.