standing on holy ground

 sometimes i just miss my mom.
on the hour long drive home today 
was one of those times.
the road takes me past the cemetery
where we put her "shell".
i usually drive in, swing past her headstone,
often make a comment, then move on.
which i did today.
i know she's not there, but that's where 
we put her shell, so ..

the radio was playing inspirational hymns and chorus's.
made me think of mom.
mom on earth
and mom in heaven.
she was a grand singer.

but here's the one chorus that took me down
"we are standing...
on holy ground.
for i know that there are angels
all around.
let us praise Jesus now.
for we are standing in his presence
on holy ground."

a few years ago this was played at the 
funeral of a sweet friends mom.
i was so blessed to be in that presence then.
it felt like such an honor to be there.

and the week mom died,
there were times i felt like i was on holy ground
when i was in the room with her.
it was so evident she was talking with God.
i said she had one foot in heaven, and she did.
and then we were on holy ground when 
she slipped away...
so fast we almost missed it.

however, today
when i think about my mom, it's rather
ripping-out-the-heartish. 
i know she's having a blast in heaven.
and for her i am happy.
it's me.
and dad.
and bird.
and all the rest of us.
we miss her.

and wouldn't you know that chorus
was played 2 times in that one hour!
yup. 
2 times to cry and be glad the road wasn't 
full of cars. 

i recently told one of my kids that there 
is no time line on emotional healing.
and there's not.
and last week i told you to talk about 
the people in your life who have died.
talk about them with others who are missing
them.
like my sweet poppa does.

man oh man...
talk about hard.

breath in
breath out.

yes his countenance may crumble,
his eyes may water.
but he will know you have
remembered the love of his life.
because rest assured he does
multiple times a day. 
it doesn't have to be big things.
for example:
today bird offered to put ice in my glass and
how much did i want?
me : "just a few. not like mom, but like dad"
i knew she would know. 
she did.
and we acknowledged our mom's preferences..
such a little thing,
but mom was remembered.

***
we cleaned on the pool today.
we talked of mom. 
how she would do it all by herself often.
bird and i take turns running the vacuum.
mainly because we can. 

we looked at old photos of mom, her folks,
her siblings.
she was such a skinny kid.
i wished she was there to tell us the stories
behind the photos. 

***
she would have been happy to see the
school bus picking up her great grands 
at the farm. 
how many years has it been since that happened?
stories we might have shared as we remembered
our many years of bus riding.
and our folks drove a "bus"for the one room
school we went too.
(it was really a station wagon full of kids)
but the concept was the same and they got paid.

dad, bird and i had talked about that last week,
remembering those years...long ago,
in the late 50's and early 60's. 

i still wish i could call her up to chat.
i can hear her say.."well the big yellow bus
drove up the drive earrrly this morning.
i bet the kids were excited. i prayed for them 
and their day. will be fun to hear about it
sometime." 

my sweet momma.
loved deeply
and often.
oh how blessed we all were.

how blessed heaven is now.