amazing.

it started out easy enough,
my day that is.
i even got to wear a holiday t-shirt and earrings.
i was feeling like myself.

hubby and i had a lovely breakfast after dropping 
off a car for repairs. 
we were filling the grocery cart, 
planning some meals.

cell phone rings.
it's my sister.
'where are u?' she asks?

"where do i need to be?" i reply. 

" mom is giving up."

okaaay.... u hear this in the grocery aisle
and I think. mom is dying. right then.

the clarification is mom and hospice have talked,
and it's time to make a decision.
24 hr care, or nursing home. 

we are to meet at the farm.

we do.

hospice is there when i get there.
after a bit of discussion we decide it's nursing home time.

phone calls, trips to town to get the necessary papers,
the urgency stressed to the nursing home..
" we need her in TODAY." 

more phone calls, papers signed, bags packed,
and by 4:30 the care home has arrived to transport momma.
i ride in the van w/momma and the ladies.
sister brings daddy in the car.

atmosphere is vastly different in each vehicle.
momma and i chat just like it was a normal day.
sister and daddy weep most of the ten miles in.
daddy says " i had her on the farm for 61 years." 
or " i wish we had rain this  summer so she 
could have had her pretty flowers." 


we are greeted at the care home by our hospice nurse.
i am so touched by her loving spirit, tears threaten to
gush down my face. 
breath deep, release, keep going.


the care home staff is amazing.
efficient, and quickly have her
using the lifts, ready for bed.
momma is happy. 
she loved the lift.
the air mattress arranged by hospice is great,
you can see visible differences in her countenance.


she had asked on saturday to go to the care home.
the men folk in the family encouraged her to hang in there
a little longer, try to get stronger, etc.
bravely she tried. 
but it was time and daddy told the nurse
" whatever she, ( momma) wants."


which brings us back to the care home.


let me tell you something amazing.
you would have thought the queen herself had arrived.
staff members were stopping in,
greeting momma like seeing a long lost friend.

and they were.
momma had served on the care home board for 9 years.
my grammie lived there for 16 years. 
we know this place, 
these people.
they were happy to see her again.
happy to be able to help us take care of her.


wow right?
God is good.


Plus,other residents, who are friends from long ago popped in.
some relatives who live there stopped by. 


my heart felt lighter.


i over heard a conversation between my parents...
dad, " how are you?"
mom, " i'm fine. i feel safe."
dad., "you're not afraid of falling now?"
mom, " no"


and daddy felt better.
it's was plain to see momma was where she wants to be.
my brother could see it too. 


i marveled at this woman.
she was back to 'herself.'


at the farm all day she was very quiet.
having some pain due to headache.
and so ready to die.


at the care home, after inquiring about a bible study,
discovering there wasn't one, 
she said," well maybe i'll start one." 


THAT is my momma. 
chin up, carry on valiantly.
you've told me she is special.
you betcha...and once again she's showing us how. 


my little queen momma is amazing. 






 

MAMMOGRAMS MAMMOGRAMS MAMMOGRAMS MAMMOGRAMS

 i cannot stress that enough.
ladies....GET YOUR MAMMOS!

and do your self exams.
mom's lump was so far under her arm 
it wasn't detected by the mammo. 

this wednesday my sister and i had mammo's scheduled.
there's a group of my friends who make an event out of this.
we get our mammo's in the city, 
and then we stay at a lovely hotel,
shop, eat, laugh and giggle. 

this year, sister and i will be having mammo's later, 
not with the breast buddies.
but we WILL HAVE OUR MAMMO.

i spent the weekend w/my folks,
my sister is there today.
mom is quickly going down hill.
and our folks were panicing because me and sister 
would be gone, too far away.

nope, we're staying close to home.

mom is struggling w/the transitions more now.
her strength is slipping away.
they struggled getting her out of bed this morning.
she struggled w/another chair transition later.

yes, we have a call in to hospice.
will tell them the latest.
it might be time to go to the nursing home.
or
it might be time for a hospital bed.

she's really not eating much. 
maybe one to one and a half cups of food a day.
that's okay.

i let her have chocolate candies for supper,
two evenings in a row!
why not? 

back to the Breast Buddies..
of the dozen of us...
4 have lost our momma's to breast cancer.
it is more treatable than in years past.
but only treatable if you know about it.

think about that.
and if you're in the age bracket that needs the yearly mammo
and you haven't done it
what are u waiting on? 
adult kids, check w/your mommas..
remind them you love them and want to keep them around.
schedule the mammo, take them out to eat, shop, whatever.
but love yourselves, and your momma's in this very 
tangible way.

here's a pic of momma when she was stronger, 
a bit younger, 
and hanging out w/her little sisters.
: )

momma, marjorie, and merlynn

 

some ponderings and pictures

i don't know....
how much longer momma has with us,
of course.
only God knows.

I would guess a few weeks? 
it depends on how fast the cancer grows.
we are not treating it, just a symptom of the brain cancer,
the edema. she takes something for it. 

and things for pain as she needs them.
Praise God, the  pain has been minimal.
she has always been afraid of the potential pain.

thanksgiving day was bitter sweet. 
i fell apart right before going to the farm.
i knew this was 
" my last thanksgiving w/my momma."
maybe dad too. 
the strong loving arms of my hubby surrounded me
and gave me tender comfort.

mom was struggling a bit with her sentence formation.
kate helped her shower, and mom's mind cleared up a bit.
she ate more food than i anticipated.
as the day wore on, so did momma.
my sister and i got out old photos of mom's family, 
we played " who's this person" with our kids.
we would hold up a photo, and they had to guess who it was.
some of their great aunts they could do. 
we giggled over pics of my uncle and his various hair styles.
first he looked like sonny bono, then james dean in another. 
yes, i know they look different. 
so did my uncle! 
: )

my folks had a nursing home conversation.
when should she go?
how would daddy do?
they were both protecting each other.

and yet, 
mom admits to being scared.
she knows Jesus.
she knows she's going to heaven.
it's just the transition of getting there that causes her anxiety.
the fear of the unknown can be powerful. 

at one point in the afternoon she shows me her wedding rings and said, "these are too loose. i'm concerned i might loose them. "
she tries them on her middle finger, they fit.
but it doesn't feel right. 

friday, late in the afternoon, she calls to tell me she had daddy 
put them away for safe keeping.
i promised to write that down and where. 
she felt better knowing i knew. 
can't say it makes me feel better.
it's another step in her dying.
i don't like her dying.

but she is ready to go.
she told me several times and in different ways on thursday.
it's okay..... when i think about momma.
it's not okay.... when i think about my heart. 


my girls are being troopers.
their hearts are breaking too.
they will miss their grandma dearly.
and they see their momma grieving.
double whammy.
but i feel the same, 
i see them grieve,
and I am their momma, and I am supposed to make it better.
"once a momma, always a momma".
however, 
i encourage their mourning.
we need to express it.
we are loosing an amazing woman and it hurts.


friday morning i made some calls to hospice.
i had questions,
they had answers.
in speaking w/mom on the phone re: all this
i ask her questions.
she struggles for answers.
i always give her a chance to find the words,
but sometimes after she hesitates so...
i suggest word options.
sometimes i'm  right.
sometimes not.
eventually momma said..
" i''m not functioning very well."


" i know momma."


and i want to jump in a car and drive the 1 hours drive
to make it all better. 
or at least ease the burden on dad.
but they need this quiet day.
 i need the quiet day and time w/my girlies.

but now... i need to set aside MY momma hat
and go back to being a daughter.
and if i could..i'd pack my over nite bag,
hop in a vehicle,
and go over..
right now.


but's it's nearly 3:30 in the morning
and i would just startle my folks coming 
in the dark.


besides, i kind a need to wait on rides to and from.
i think i have it figured out for a saturday to sunday stay, 
so i'll try to still my anxious heart and wait.

this being torn is just an added challenge to my days.
i want to be home w/my girls,
i want to be at the farm w/my folks.


life has no easy options today.

smiling momma, nov. 18th

mom and i one morning....nov. 15th

same morning and she's feeling good

    

ella, a sweet little friend from church that has loved on momma for 4 years. she wanted to visit mom, when she heard in church mom wasn't doing well. she also brought a picture she colored. nov. 14th

 

my sister and i, nov. 18th. i'm in a borrowed shirt and have a borrowed ice pack. along w/this blasted sling. sigh..

I am thankful

I am blessed to get to share another meal w/my momma.
daddy too, along w/ assorted sweet family members.

mom said her arm was still weak yesterday.
its the right arm, the side that has the compressed fracture.
makes sense to be misbehaving.

I am thankful for my nose.
it was a tantalizing feast here yesterday.
zucchinni bread,
apple pie,
blueberry pie,
 the tongue will be thankful today.

I am thankful for my mouse -getting, gray haired loving hubby.
when he buckles me in a car, i get a kiss.
i told him that was my favorite part.
got another kiss then. 
:)

I am thankful for my daughter/teacher,
she fixed meals yesterday and scolded me for
loading the dishwasher. : ) She's also able to give
bride/daughter a break from the 'momma-care'.


I am thankful for bride and her hubby.
they are missing each other LOTS. 
but honoring family, and my momma.
she and i will go earlier to the farm so 
she can help gma take a shower.


I am  thankful for my son.
he has been very intentional when home to visit
his grandparents. so even tho he's having a southern 
thanksgiving, he knows he's had some sweet, fun times 
my folks recently. 


I am thankful for my brother.
he got momma outside yesterday in her electric chair.
she even trimmed up on her geraniums that are being
wintered in the garage. 
then she took a spin in the front yard grass.


I am thankful for physical therapy.
the guy really worked on me yesterday.
but wow....my shoulder doesn't feel so stiff and tight.
yeah!


just a few blessings....
are you counting yours?
 

not much new

we are getting hospice set up.
i think it will be very helpful,
the folks are leary....but  it's something new.
and sometimes the unknown brings lots of questions.

that's okay.

they've also had some visitors. 
cousins have come by.
that was nice and we all appreciate it.

mom mentioned to me on the phone this a.m. about her right arm
not working quite right. she was stretching it, hoping to get 
cooperation. 
ok. 

i am appreciating the days i get home this week. 
my body has needed the down time.
started therapy yesterday.
 a bit of ouch.
will take a little something before tomorrows session.


my girls are headed home.
they met up about 2 hrs away... so will be in 
by bedtime.
mine, not theirs.


will be fun to have them both.
our son decided to stay south, if it was okay w/me.
it is. 
of course would be wonderful to have him home,
but knowing he has family he can celebrate with,
and won't be making the 12 hr drive....one way folks.


it's okay.  more pie for us. : )

helpless

before 9 yesterday morning momma called.
" do we test the blood after breakfast or lunch?'


" is there something wrong?'


"now you and kate will be here today right?"


We had let the folks have 2 nights by themselves.
my brother and family are right next door on the farm.
my medically trained niece was checking on them, 
helping out too. Plus we have written down medication
schedules, in more than one place. along with our home and cell numbers, for daddy. 


mom tells me " i hope i can get stronger, then i will feel
more confident about all this." 
" that would be good."


I ask how it was with just them for 2 nites. was she comfortable with that?
she pauses, " it was.....okay.... dad and i can do this.....
we have been."
however, i am not quite convinced,...just by her voice and face.

i tell kate. because you see, i am helpless too.
i cannot do many things for myself due to being 
a one armed bandit? wonder?.
i have been learning to lean on my daughter.
it's humbling, comforting, and confusing all at the same time.
and frustrating. 
we are independent women. 
i was raised that way. 
and to not be able to do things for myself is challenging. 


ironically i have been taking care of my momma, just like
kate takes care of me. 
i understand better how mom has felt when with tenderness she has said.."oh Daughter. you don't have to do this. I feel bad to ask you."


of course it is NOT a problem for me.
it's a gift, honoring my mom, my dad.
out of deep love and appreciation I give back to them
this is how i was raised. 

due to mom's fear of pain, claustrophobia, she didn't want 
to do CAT scans or MRI'S.  we've had to force both issues 
in less than one weeks time.


i was very anxious. felt helpless. 
we needed the test. mom would be upset.
pushed the cat scan 2 saturday nites ago in the ER
we discussed it.
momma said to me. " you did the right thing."


this past wednesday when the oncologist ordered the mri,
 mom said no. bird, my sister, and i said yes.
when mom rememebered it was an open one, she agreed.
later the nurse told me its not. 
what did i want to do?
 sigh.
after seeing the machine, 
being torn between needing to know where the devil breast cancer
 had spread, and mom's fear. 
it was a hard decision. 
i felt helpless.
me, bird, and kate made the decision to stay the course.
and not tell mom. she had about an hour before the mri.
why give her that time to get worked up, because, just maybe
she would get in there, see the machine, and go for it anyway.
we stormed heaven with pleadings for peace for momma.


i had to leave for staple removal, leaving bird and kate w/folks
to deal with the mri and any possible issues.


bless God. mom saw the machine, and went for it anyway.
kate shared her ipod w/the techs, and mom got to listen to christian music. she glowed talking about it.


we were helpless.
God was powerful.


friday i discussed wednesdays adventures w/mom.
told her the anxiousness i had.
she said. " it was the right thing to do. i needed it done. 
 i don't know why i get so upset."


once again, she gave me grace. 
now pray she gives herself grace.
yesterday she commented 
" if i would just have not waited."
I think she thinks if she had the tests earlier, maybe we could
have caught the cancer sooner. 
maybe


I just looked at her, reminding her of the lessons she taught me
" God is in control." 
" yes" she responds.


i cannot fathom what goes on in her mind.
i think she's in a bit of denial.... 
that's fine.
she's not hurting a thing.

" Jesus, no one, not even you, likes a broken heart.
once again, i do not understand your ways, and that does cause 
me to feel helpless. but once again, as i journey in the hard places, i beg for your grace, mercy. you have never failed me, or my folks. always we've had what we needed, and often blessings abundantly.
i give you these 'sacred days',,,, you  understand my tears better than i......for today, and last monday, when momma's delusions left, and we laughed. genuinely laughed. she beamed with joy, had no pain.... i give you deep thanks.for yesterday, for the chance once again, to kiss her little bald head, hear her voice, i give you thanks. for lovingly holding us in your heart and hand, i give u thanks. for being helpless...i give you thanks. my blessings do out number my heartaches.
i am grateful. amen."

some cute pics

     these are my handsome dad

and my pretty momma

On the back of the pic of dad and the car,

mom has written

" my darling Everett and the 'studie'.

Easter 1949

 

friday at the farm

daughter/bride and i arrived w/coffee for the nephew around 10:30. 
things were buzzing. 
phone ringing,
great grands ( kids) visiting,
and still a list of to-dos.

bride helped momma get dressed,
after she took 2 phone calls.

i think its grand when people call
to say " I love you."
I'm one of those people who prefer to show my love
before the loved is gone.
i.e. why I've given momma lots of flowers the past 4 years. 
she can enjoy them know.

side-tracked,,sorry..but it happens a lot.
lunch and laughter,
then friends from loong ago stopped by.
they brought goodies..
daddy was happy. 


seems no time for naps anymore..
but mom was content.


she is getting a bit more tired each day,
i can see it. 
seemed more out of breath as she transitioned from
chair to chair.
 but still enjoying family around.

i told my folks at one point today when the house was busy w/bodies
" this evening it will just be the two of you."
she looked at bit surprised, maybe unsure.
then commented.." it might be lonely, but we'll be ok."


they need this couple-time.


wandered through some old photos, 
the folks's early years, 
such dashing people they were.


daddy talked about his good lookin' car,
a convertible studebaker,
but also mentioned he had a good lookin girl friend too.


: ) 



later as my sister and i prepare to leave,
dad wants things written down and placed where he can 
remember to look for them.
our phone numbers,
the schedule for pills, etc.

(it reminded me of giving a babysitter instructions.)

we make sure they have something for supper.
i tell my brother he needs to make sure they have meals on saturday.


dad gets a bit anxious face.
i think it was just hoping to remember what's what.
he said " I'll call u if I don't know what to do" 


we assured them it will all be fine.


tomorrow another granddaughter, also medically trained,
will be on the farm.
i know the folks are excited to get to see her, and she them.


we will stay away for a day or two.
everyone needs their chance 
and one day, it will be just 
mom, dad, me and sister bird again,


i am ready for a few days at home.


banged my elbow last nite and it 
reverberated up to the shoulder.
back to feeling a bit of concrete shoulder
and acheys.


my personal assistant, bride/daughter
keeps me on the straight and narrow
by refusing to let me do things,
and keeping me iced.


she misses her hubby, RMG,  but
has decided to extend her stay another week.
'what if this is the last week grandma will be normal?"
only bride can make those choices for herself..
and it's hard both ways.


good night.

i fell apart in target

my daughter, the bride, and i were shopping 
when the oncologist called with the confirmation.

the cancer lesions have grown in the brain
and in mom's spine.

hospice is recommended.

this is what we 'knew'
expected.

kind of.

the oncologist had been so determined to say 
'we don't know if it's cancer....u can't call it cancer
until u know for sure.'

so i held out for the stroke.

woke up thursday saying to myself
'it can still be cancer.'

i was managing the emotions,
deep breaths,
change my brain thoughts.


a few tears would escape, no biggie.


we stopped to listen to the cds for sale.
u know push the button to hear a selection.


they were nice..
but i was annoyed.
she had to introduce the cd as if 
i couldn't read it already.


hmmm....patience wasn't strong.
i kept avoiding the sentimental ones,
would switch real quickly.

then bride pushed the button on another.
lady repeated herself
music cued up
" I'll be home for christmas"


it hit me. 
momma will most likely be in her eternal home for christmas.


nope...
this won't work. 
i step away
tears race down my face,
pain rips my heart.


i say
" i can't do this."
bride attempts to steer me to the door
to the car.
i go,
request my sunglasses,
at least it would be a mild diversion from my pain
maybe.


we head to the door
i get composed
so i can stand helplessly by the checkout counter
while bride and lady do the work.

i even make a few conversational mumblings.






we do leave and recognize the need for sustenance
wanting beef, i say arbys.
then remember dad and i ate at arbys every week for a year
while momma sat in the  recliner and got her chemo.
sometimes she wanted a sandwich too.


couldnt do arbys.
ended up choosing sonic.
funny thing w/that.
for the past year, 
after chemo
me, momma, dad, and sister bird
would go eat at sonic.
i could do one place but not the other.


however, we detoured to a store.
1/2 off sale and the desire for something pink


support breast cancer awareness.
the nasty disease that is taking my beloved,
fun, positive, treasured momma to heaven.


she loves her kids, grands to look nice.
loved to take us shopping
get us looking spiffy.


so we bought some spiffy
winter things.
momma will love them
she will say,
'oh jan...that looks sooo nice on you.' or
' that color looks great w/ur hair.'

i was shopping for my mom.
for me


more than likely i will need one of those
soon to wear when we formally
celebrate her life.
i know it will bring me comfort 
knowing momma liked it on me


tomorrow me and bride go back to the farm
gotta see the folks.
and a nephew who drove down for a day.
momma wants me to bring my pretty new
things for a fashion show.


i am.


hope i don't fall apart in the living room.

isn't she adorable at 2?

 

don't know what to believe

past 5 days a blur of care for my folks

mom has either had a stroke, or cancer has spread to her brain.
the doctors seem to have given conflicting info....

she had an mri today, maybe by friday we'll know something
I have been at their farm since sunday, no internet
but no time for it anyway.


i've made phone calls to hospice,
nursing home,
docs,

rocky recovery road...so far

surgery went great. 
nasty little bone spur was the culprit 
that tore the rotator cuff.

sweet friend took us in her luxury heated seat car.
hubby had been sick w/stomach flu saturday nite.
we welcomed a driver and i welcomed having 
the female factor along.

hubby is good, women nurture better however.

tuesday morning i had let the pain win.
not good. horrid. 
i just sat on the motel bed, weeping and waiting for the meds 
to kick in. all i could say was 'holy. holy.'
pretty sure God understood.
and i have a better realization of what the crucifiction felt like.
don't recommend it. 

had been itchy, 
thought it might be the scrubbing stuff.
then was getting harder to swallow those drugs.
this a.m. decided it was allergic reaction to those drugs.
went to local doc. got steroid shot. 
breathing much better,
throat not swollen,
nasal passages clear,
itchy gone.

yup, i'm allergic to pain meds.

adds new dimension to recovery.

and then my sweet little momma
the cancer and her body are being naughty to her
blood count numbers so low, requiring daily shots. 
daily drive to cancer center. 35 miles one way.

dad drove them last week to chemo.
mom said they drove all over the road.
so, they definitely need a driver.
i'm out of commission,
but thank God for my siblings.

also mom is having tia's. 
those little mini strokes. 

most days if you ask me how my mom is
 this is what i think.
" my mom has cancer. 
my mom is dying."

I may or may not tell you that, 
but its what i think.
she does too. 

good news, she didn't loose as much weight this week.
yeah. 
good news,
i get to take a shower this evening. woo hoo


i call it my
"shower w/a friend." since I cannot do it by myself.


youngest daughter asked 
"who's your friend"
I replied
"your father"
"ewwww" 


that's funny.

winter's here

well, it came today.
Probably gone tomorrow.
back to Fall.
yeah.

Was a nice drive over the hills to my folks farm.
Gray sky, pastures and plants no longer struggling 
to live, they are resting. 
Colors of leaves intensified by the cloudy sky.

Toasty warm home, fragrant flavors of chicken and noodles,
pot roast, ham and bean smells floating about in the kitchen.  
I headed home knowing my folks were content for a bit anyway.

Next week I become a one armed lady. 
My torn rotator cuff is getting repaired on Monday,
which means 6 weeks without a functioning right arm.
Gonna be tricky in lots of ways.
the end result is my focus here.

'coon huntin'

Early in October there was an adventure I've not shared.

I was at my framily friends parents farm. 

The daughters were inside taking care of business.

I was wandering around outside enjoying the gorgeous weather

and chatting w/the Bride on the phone.

In the side yard I catch a glimpse of gray fur.

"oh a kitty".

not quite.

Knowing its not a good sign for this nocturnal critter to be wobbling around in the day, I alerted my friends. 

It was clear he was injured or sick, so he must be 'taken care of'.

 Annie Oakley M. agrees to do it.

 Her sisters surround her, all in contemplation.

 ending up on the front porch aim is taken.

 due to a broken foot, Annie O. had to kneel to get steady.

the sisters discussing the hunt

No coon skin hats were made however.