i fell apart in target

my daughter, the bride, and i were shopping 
when the oncologist called with the confirmation.

the cancer lesions have grown in the brain
and in mom's spine.

hospice is recommended.

this is what we 'knew'
expected.

kind of.

the oncologist had been so determined to say 
'we don't know if it's cancer....u can't call it cancer
until u know for sure.'

so i held out for the stroke.

woke up thursday saying to myself
'it can still be cancer.'

i was managing the emotions,
deep breaths,
change my brain thoughts.


a few tears would escape, no biggie.


we stopped to listen to the cds for sale.
u know push the button to hear a selection.


they were nice..
but i was annoyed.
she had to introduce the cd as if 
i couldn't read it already.


hmmm....patience wasn't strong.
i kept avoiding the sentimental ones,
would switch real quickly.

then bride pushed the button on another.
lady repeated herself
music cued up
" I'll be home for christmas"


it hit me. 
momma will most likely be in her eternal home for christmas.


nope...
this won't work. 
i step away
tears race down my face,
pain rips my heart.


i say
" i can't do this."
bride attempts to steer me to the door
to the car.
i go,
request my sunglasses,
at least it would be a mild diversion from my pain
maybe.


we head to the door
i get composed
so i can stand helplessly by the checkout counter
while bride and lady do the work.

i even make a few conversational mumblings.






we do leave and recognize the need for sustenance
wanting beef, i say arbys.
then remember dad and i ate at arbys every week for a year
while momma sat in the  recliner and got her chemo.
sometimes she wanted a sandwich too.


couldnt do arbys.
ended up choosing sonic.
funny thing w/that.
for the past year, 
after chemo
me, momma, dad, and sister bird
would go eat at sonic.
i could do one place but not the other.


however, we detoured to a store.
1/2 off sale and the desire for something pink


support breast cancer awareness.
the nasty disease that is taking my beloved,
fun, positive, treasured momma to heaven.


she loves her kids, grands to look nice.
loved to take us shopping
get us looking spiffy.


so we bought some spiffy
winter things.
momma will love them
she will say,
'oh jan...that looks sooo nice on you.' or
' that color looks great w/ur hair.'

i was shopping for my mom.
for me


more than likely i will need one of those
soon to wear when we formally
celebrate her life.
i know it will bring me comfort 
knowing momma liked it on me


tomorrow me and bride go back to the farm
gotta see the folks.
and a nephew who drove down for a day.
momma wants me to bring my pretty new
things for a fashion show.


i am.


hope i don't fall apart in the living room.

isn't she adorable at 2?