troubled nights and rambling thoughts

3 times in this past week i have dreamed of dad.
sad to say they aren't pleasant dreams.
he's dying or already dead in them but the
situation is different than the reality we had.
ugh.
i am always ready to wake up from those and
thankfully i return to a more peaceful sleep.

we made a fast trip to the farm today.
ugh.
my heart/stomach didn't enjoy it too much.
our youngest child,who hadn't been back 
since the funeral was with us.
it wasn't easy for her either.
the house has changed a bit.
my stomach responded with queasiness.

one of these days i need to make/take the time
to just go ahead and again allow myself to
feel these painful feelings of 
missing dad.
of closing up my parents life.
i've done it some, but not enough i guess.

a broken heart is not my idea of fun.
and sometimes when the heart ache comes
it's not really a convenient time to have
a grief burst.
but the dreams are speaking for my heart.
sadness, confusion, anxiety.

my introverted self becomes even more so
when it takes so much energy to be chatty
and polite around people. 
i kind of pretend i'm okay i guess.
and sometimes i feel okay.
but then i am drained from too much noise,
or people time.
i just need to hole-up for awhile and put myself
back together again. 
and then i can function for a bit.

brown eyed handsome man mentioned
today that each time since dad died that
i've been to the farm 
it takes me 2-3 days to recover. 
hmmm..
he wasn't complaining, just stating a fact.

i read something recently in a grief newsletter
i get from hospice.
" grief is not about letting go..
grief is about finding ways to continue the
connection even as we live a different,
now changed life." 

words worth pondering on.

 
 
 

 

 
 

good byes don't come easy

Well today was ... spikey,
roller coastery... emotionally charged.

i will admit it's hard to see your childhood disintegrate.
the dresser you had and shared with your sister
no longer has a home.
when we got it mom painted it pink and white.
then bird got her own room, and eventually
mom and i painted it white and added some "classy"
gold decals and fancy drawer pulls.
our attempt to give it an french country look.
45 years later it's still "french country".

our old table that was the "dining table", until it
became the sewing table. we have photos of us
sitting at that table. i'm at it in my 1 yr old photo.
it needs a new home.

and then dad's desk.
it's not very big and the style is early american.
but i remember when we got it.
such excitement. a desk for dad.
a place to keep track of farm paperwork and such.
i remember where it sat in the  living room.
i also remember being excited because
now maybe i could do my homework at it...
a real honest to goodness desk.
well.... once in awhile i got to.
i also remember dad sharing many words of caution
in how to behave at the desk.
don't mark on it
don't scuff it.
don't put things in the drawers!

and yet, there it now sits, lonely, empty
and no one wants it or has room for it.
i understand.
truly.
but still.. it's hard.

i know i know
i am not the first person to close up a life of their
parents. and i won't be the last.
but i (we) are doing this and
it's our journey and sometimes
it's just soo hard.

like today i'm at dads bank.
an old high school classmate comes by,
pats my shoulder and sweetly asks
"how are you ?"
and i crumble.
my heart drops,
tears stream down my cheeks
and i say
"not too good today.
yesterday was fathers day and
today is very very hard."
she understood as i knew she would.
there was no need to pretend to feel other
than how i felt.
the lady who is helping me said
"i understand.
it's been 15 years since my dad died
and yesterday was hard for me too."
i told them i concentrated very hard yesterday 
on being thankful to just have had a good dad 
worth missing..
but sometimes those tears need out.

grief and honesty. 
when shared the load lightens a bit. 

so in my attempt to process this journey
i've returned to writing in hopes
that talking about it eases my heart.

good night pops...enjoy the cookie.

Miss you Pops

Our first fathers day with out a chance to give you a hug,
or a bag of candy or homemade goodies.
First fathers day to not sit with you in church.
Fix you lunch.
Take a picture together.

sigh....

Today I've really worked on being thankful for all
the years I got to do those things.
Thankful to have been your daughter for 57 years.

But here we are at the end of day and no matter how
thankful I am for all the good things...
I still miss you. Miss your grin,
words of fun and wisdom, and just miss you.
Brown eyed handsome man wore one of your tie clasps today.
When he mentioned it in church my eyes filled up.
When the sweet little old man sitting behind me in church
began to sing the hyms... my eyes filled up.

I think it's all those years of you filling up my heart with love,
support and life that makes my eyes fill up now too.

Finally decided to stop looking at pictures of you today
because then i missed you even more.

thanks God for my daddy.
give him a big hug from me please.

dear old dad

just 4 months pops.
4 months since i saw your blue eyes.
4 months since your worn out body shuffled
from one room in your home to another.

we had a good run daddio.
it was a grand one actually.
i miss hanging out with you,
sitting on the front porch watching
the birds or playing with cooper.
commenting on what was in the truck 
that just zipped down the road.
i miss fixing you lunch
and eating at the table together.
i miss you walking me out to my car 
when i left for home.
i miss phone calls of weather reports 
telling each other who got how much rain...
and a zillion other things.

i don't miss you being sick and in pain.
or missing momma and having long lonely days. 

i like to think of you two young and 
having fun in heaven.
your hair isn't gray, your smile
is wide and the jokes and stories are
flowing freely. 
happy memories of my sweet childhood.
 
did you know we have your car?
and your pickup?
thanks for taking such good care of them.
and yes, we've already put miles on both.
we are practicing what you and mom preached
"travel while you're young".
even though when you got old you often commented 
to me, "you sure go lots." 
and i smiled and said
"i learned from the best". 

just 2 months before you died you asked me
"why am i still here?"
"i guess God isn't finished with you yet pops."
God got finished with you sooner than we expected
however.
even in those hard days and nights i have sweet memories
of time with you. 
i would do it all again dad.
i surely would.
love you always and forever

p.s. we've had so much rain
everything is very green
and gorgeous. 
bet your view is pretty sweet.