troubled nights and rambling thoughts

3 times in this past week i have dreamed of dad.
sad to say they aren't pleasant dreams.
he's dying or already dead in them but the
situation is different than the reality we had.
ugh.
i am always ready to wake up from those and
thankfully i return to a more peaceful sleep.

we made a fast trip to the farm today.
ugh.
my heart/stomach didn't enjoy it too much.
our youngest child,who hadn't been back 
since the funeral was with us.
it wasn't easy for her either.
the house has changed a bit.
my stomach responded with queasiness.

one of these days i need to make/take the time
to just go ahead and again allow myself to
feel these painful feelings of 
missing dad.
of closing up my parents life.
i've done it some, but not enough i guess.

a broken heart is not my idea of fun.
and sometimes when the heart ache comes
it's not really a convenient time to have
a grief burst.
but the dreams are speaking for my heart.
sadness, confusion, anxiety.

my introverted self becomes even more so
when it takes so much energy to be chatty
and polite around people. 
i kind of pretend i'm okay i guess.
and sometimes i feel okay.
but then i am drained from too much noise,
or people time.
i just need to hole-up for awhile and put myself
back together again. 
and then i can function for a bit.

brown eyed handsome man mentioned
today that each time since dad died that
i've been to the farm 
it takes me 2-3 days to recover. 
hmmm..
he wasn't complaining, just stating a fact.

i read something recently in a grief newsletter
i get from hospice.
" grief is not about letting go..
grief is about finding ways to continue the
connection even as we live a different,
now changed life." 

words worth pondering on.