i only cried once...

when the winter holidays come
my days become a daze.
kids home, trips to grandparents,
eating, all the usual.

tiny bit of extra stress due to
snowy-icy roads, gimp arm,
elderly parents, and Christmas on Sunday.

BUT....
it was good. 

momma and her sister

my adorable great nephew

     

 joint effort bringing dinner to the care home.
15 of us celebrated together. 

 fun people

 scarey people

later in the day we expanded the party.

had some great instrumental musical talent.

sang Christmas hymns with other residents

and..

 

got to celebrate and enjoy more family.

my dads remaining sibling lives at the care home too,

as well as his wife and oldest daughter.

here's dad and my uncle.

also my aunts body and hand.

fyi, the other lady in red

with her head, is 

just an extra in this scene. 

: )

while singing carols, sitting beside my sweet momma,

looking across the room at my dad and his brother,

several of my cousins, their kids and grands,

the emotions had hit their max.

tears threatened.

tears escaped and were caught.

i hung on tight to my hubby's arm.

why?

besides the obvious reasons....

it's been many years since we shared Christmas

with dad's brothers family.

what a treat for me.

i made the tender sentimental journey

to Christmas's past. 

it just felt good and sad 

at the same time.

so... my uncles granddaughters fiancee'

is also a very talented pianist.

he played some beautiful compositions he's written.

mom and i could not see his fingers 

as he played, she leaned over to me and whispered

" those fingers.... can you imagine how fast they move." 

we also were treated to my uncles teenage granddaughter

and her self taught hula hooping routine. 

she can hula 40 at once.

also does some other fancy things.

 

and this was only part of the day...
more to come.
arentcha lucky?
 

love and joy come to you....

like you... busy days here.
finally making it to put up dads Christmas tree.

mission accomplished with the

 assistance of my bright eyed great nephew

we all stopped to see momma before decorating.

she was out visiting in the halls when we got there.

i knew it was a good day then.

me, momma, sister-bird

i have done a bit of baking, mess making

 

things are filling up in our home

 fridge is stuffed

  driveway filled

 a few presents by the tree

CHRISTMAS EVE:

a restful tender time spent at Mass

with my loving mom-in-love is always enjoyed.

i love the peacefulness of waiting. 

breathing in the beauty of lights, trees,

expectant faces.

joining in Christmas hymns...

"oh come all ye faithful"

when i sing it i'm challenged

to be among those faithful.

faithful to the Reason for the celebration.

may He find us all kneeling here

in thankfulness 

for the promise of heaven

a Joyous Christmas to you.

 

a man in love

my dad is a man in love.
he has been for over 60 years.

don't get me wrong,
it's not been a fairy-tale romance.
(they are human)
it's been and it is a committed life.
committed to loving, serving,
working hard, staying faithful,
raising kids, playing, laughing,
crying and being there 
"in sickness and in health." 

i remember their sweet embraces
as well as their not-so-sweet 'discussions'.

i know i've been blessed to be raised by
God loving parents,
by hard working parents,
fun-loving parents.


and now, for the past 4 years especially,
i've witnessed more love.
my poppa learned to cook,
do laundry, get better at house keeping,
grocery shopping. he has helped
mom shower, dress, and yes,
even basic bathroom needs. 
and he started at the young age of 78.
LOVE. the kind of committment
it takes to make a life together.


no wonder he wanted to keep her at home
as long as possible. he cried when we moved
her to the nursing home. 
(me too)
yet he goes in faithfully twice a day.
drives in the 10 miles one way to 
see the love of his life. 


(interesting because growing up
we were limited to the number of times
we could go to town.
once a week besides on sunday,
in the summer was it.) 


yesterday daddy called me
at 8:05 a.m.
"did i wake u?"
"no, i was up."
"okay, were you planning on coming
over here today to put up the christmas tree?"
" if we could get there."
"well you can't. there's still too much snow."
"okay."

" i'm going in to see maureen"


WHAT? 

it's this man in love.
we cannot possibly get to his farm due 
to snow, mud, etc.
but he can drive to town to see momma.


i just had to chuckle.


i called him last night.
"dad, how were the roads?"
"not good."
"but u made it in to see mom okay?"
" yes, two times."


he's still a man in love.

snow...yes

weather man's forecast is good so far.
well, we got the rain,
then the ice,
now the snow.
and always...the wind.

no school tomorrow..
extends the Christmas break by 1/2 a day.

i chatted w/both parents this evening.
dad was microwaving up some supper.
mom said..." oh...i am so stuffed."
i said she didn't have to eat. 
: )

ever since she began having them
use the full body lift, she's had more energy.
sort of.
usually her attitude is good, 
just weary and always concerned about daddy.

sister bird and i toured the new care home.
it will be lovely...
whenever it's completed. 
mom's hoping to not move in.

on a different side of my kid's family tree
let me share these adorable photos 
of brown-eyed-handsome-mans early 
childhood. 

Christmas 1962

my beautiful mom-in-love with

their 4 sons. 

can u pick out my hubby?

Christmas 1962,

and my charming dad -in-love 

with the boys.

i love old family photos.

TUESDAY UPDATE:
aka daddy, momma was weighed.
she has lost 14 pounds since moving
to the care home.
i am surprised because she's been 
eating much better than she was at the farm.
that's 14 pounds in 3 weeks.
i've seen her eat and figured
she might be picking up weight.

okay, it is and it isn't puzzling
considering what her body is battling.


sigh...


SNOW REPORT;
 we have 4-6 inches
and daddy thinks he has around a foot.
it's hard to measure when it drifts and blows so.


we are all safe, warm and thankful for it.

Christmas's Past

waaaay past.
like in the 1960's before many of you were born.

Christmas 1965. Momma with her new tea kettle

and dishwasher!

Me with a barbie or two in my pocket and 

bubble bath in my hand. The bottle had 

a dolls head with a furry collar. 

Very snazzy.

I'm probably wearing a new robe too. 

 Christmas 1962

My brother, sister and I.

this is when the Christmas tree 

was in the dining room. 

Same year, 1962. It's the first 

Christmas in our new house.

I think these must have been our 

Santa gifts. 

I am 4, my sister almost 11, and brother 8.

Christmas 1968

My sister has her hair rolled up 

in recycled orange juice cans.

Don't you love that old tree with the 

tinsel hanging straight down?

Mom was VERY picky about that.

When we thought she wasn't looking we 

would toss it on...but

you know mom's and those extra eyes!!

we would get growled at then. 

here's Daddy that year. 

and Momma. We always

had a seasonal centerpiece.

even if it was a slab of styrofoam

with an elf and fake greenery added.

we thought it was lovely.

 Christmas 1980

I recently found this and love it.

Christmas is coming....

yesterday momma requested a holiday sweatshirt.
interesting because until now she's been a bit
scroogie towards christmas. 
didn't want the music playing etc.
10 days away to get in the holiday mind frame?
not bad.


i got her a winter one, snowman, etc.
will be interesting to see if 
today she still wants it.


it's hard for her to make up her mind.
uncertainty is a fairly constant companion
for these days.
chalk another one up for the brain tumors.


she knows us, 
remembers our phone numbers, 
because she calls us. 
what she had for a meal?
or who or if someone stopped by?
that's a bit fuzzy for her.
BUT...
she has no pain.
hallelujah!!!

am gathering up sugar and spices.
gonna do a bit of baking,
candy making with my sister.
at the farm. 
even gonna spend the night to
give daddy a bit of company for an evening
and breakfast. 
you know..liven up the house..
jump on the beds, drain the hot water heater with
long showers, leave all the lights on, get stuff out,
make a mess.... the usual kid stuff. 
: )


then tomorrow is a Christmas party
at the care home. 
in case momma feels like going we'll be there.


and i just gotta tell ya....
GOD HEARS YOUR PETITIONS.
for a few days now
my broken heart has mellowed,
the waterfall of tears has ceased
and the "sun is shining today."


i've been humming this praise chorus
'the joy of the Lord is my strength"

then began to wonder
what is the joy of the Lord?





 

"showers of blessings,....... mercy drops round me were falling...."

my sister visited momma yesterday 
so i sent a phone pic of the pretty flowers
given to me from my youngest.
sad to say, momma couldn't see the pic. 
i'll take one on my notepad to see if larger is better.

seems it rained blessings yesterday.
1. an inch of rain, which is manna for our barren land.
2. sweet email from a friend who lives a state over, and up.
fyi...i too wish you were closer, 
but appreciate your prayers and words.
3. email from my strong supportive sweet southern sister in law
who's been on this journey, is on this journey and blesses me
with her love and ears.
4. "puppy chow" from a loving friend
5. gorgeous flowers and sweet note from my youngest
6. beautiful delicate jewelry from a northern friend
who is really a southerner
7. phone call from my oldest daughter. 
that's two in one week, back to back days..
wow!
8. huge plate of goodies from sweet loving friends
in our community, plenty to share with the
good people taking such good care of momma..
9. the offer of "elves" to come help me be 
ready for the kids home, etc. 


WOW! God is using each of you, 
thank you for listening to Him.

let me tell you why i blog/journal.
it's easier to keep family updated,
it's a great way to see the progress/digress
of the past weeks...months.
it's a great stress reliever for me.


but, it takes courage to let you see
my weaknesses. 
it's humbling to receive your support and love.
though my prayer and hope is somehow
what you see is God. 
His faithfulness in all situations.
how he uses people in my life,
and i know he does in your lives.


Hear O Israel! The Lord is our God,
the Lord alone. You must love the 
Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul,
and all your strength.Commit yourself wholeheartedly
to these commands I am giving you today. Repeat them
again and again to your children. Talk about them when you
are at home and when you are away, when you are
lying down and when you get up again.Tie them to your
hands as a reminder, and wear them on your forehead. 
Write them on the doorposts of your house and your gates.
Deut. 6: 4-9


in my mind, that also tells me to share
what Jesus is doing in my life.
each day. 
if i don't tell you,
you don't know. 


this little blog is my doorpost.
God is good. He loves you
regardless of the situation
and He will never leave.




 

God heard you...

you prayed for me didn't ya?
yes, i felt it. 
all day on tuesday, i felt it.
thankyou.
blessings on your loving and praying hearts.

sister-bird called me fairly early.
momma had called her saying 
"take the tv back. i can't see it."
her distance vision has become blurry.
she's had increased eye watering for a few weeks,
but this is the first vision change she's mentioned. 
okay then. 
chalk another one up for the tumors.


happily, since she now 'rides' the full body lift
she has more energy. 
daddy set up solitaire for her
and she played it some before lunch.


last week she and her sister had played rummy.
they grew up in a card playing family
and mom's grandpa taught her to play rummy.
i used to be able to, but have forgotten how.
maybe momma can re-teach me.

i did get to see my favorite hospice nurse.
we are still having trouble w/the oxygenator
so she's requesting a complete new one.


let me tell you, these hospice people 
know their stuff.
i hadn't been chatting long w/the nurse 
in the hallway and tears were racing down my face.
i did the usual response and tried to make them behave.
HA!
stress, grief, tears,.... it all has a mind of its own.
before i knew it, had to give in to the sobs
begging to be released. 
i'm sure it's not the first time those halls 
have seen tears. 


later in the evening the hospice social worker called me.
she was willing to come see me last evening.
by then, i was back to 'normal'
(okay, those of u who know me well...
normal isn't probably the first descriptive word 
you'd use.)
: )
i had mentioned to the hospice nurse 
" i just want life to be normal again.'
she gently asked,..." what is normal?"


i paused, then admitted
" i guess i just want life easier again."
then i blurted out some of the stressors.


and you know what she said?
" you have a lot of losses in your life.
you are dealing w/a lot." 
tears again.


now, today,... i'm working on something that is tough.
i'm rather independent, stubborn,, etc.
and many of you are giving me grace in this
journey, these "sacred days."
the tender hospice people are giving me 
grace in this journey.
one person isn't so kind.
me. 
i'm working on that.

but let me tell you a true story of grace.

yesterday momma said to me,
"i asked dad last night if he thought
i was being a baby."

i waited, then asked
"what did he say?"


she waited then said,
"he said, you're my baby." 


grace, love, devotion, commitment.
how blessed. 

he was 21, she was 18.

August 20, 1950

i wanted to crawl under a rock today...and stay.

"some days will be better than others"
the hospice nurse verified this recently.
she/we were referring to momma.

personally,
today i've had a weary day.
after last nite, sleeping 2 1/2 hours in our bed,
then 2 hours on the couch,
then back to the bed for a few more,
i was still wanting to sleep at 7:30 a.m.
but we needed to leave for therapy in an hour.

i wasn't looking forward to that either.
yes, it hurts. 
lots. 
a probable reason is...
over a year ago i dilly-dallied w/my arm.
i asked my GP questions,, he said we could just 
do steroid shots to buy some time. 
we did.
i also stopped raising my arm over my head.
for nearly a year.


now..that non-over-head-arm...
it needs to go over head.
however, 
it's not going easily at all.
no sirree -bob! 


i'm doing my exercises at home.
it hurts. i get arm cramps and spasms.
and we PUSH on. literally.
sigh.


sunday was very full.
i wore out just getting in and out of the car
with this crazy sling, my coat and the wind forever
trying to capture my leg in the hungry car door. 


then an emotional evening with dear people
remembering their angel kids, parents, siblings.
it's a hard time, but it's a good time. 
it added to my weariness.


4 places to call today re: my momma.
some places we've called before..
didn't get the needed results
so was calling again.
sigh....
that list is not completed...yet.
will do MORE calls tomorrow.


a phone call with momma's younger sister.
she had questions...i had some possible answers.
not necessarily the answers she liked.
finally she commented..."i guess i need to start preparing 
myself that it's not gonna get any better." 
sorry to say...unless God gives us a miracle
no.... it's not.

today my momma told me she could not stand.
not even with the help of the fancy lift.
the one she liked so much..almost 2 weeks
ago when we moved her in.
she also said she was going to be forceful
and restrict or limit her visitors.
she's wearing out.
or maybe she never gets rested up?
i called her to report on the success of the list 
of calls. also asked if there was anything else.
"oh daughter....(pause)...i can't remember..
i don't know." 
"i know momma. just checking in case 
u did think of something. don't worry, i'm working 
on things." 


i wanted to watch our church kids play basketball 
this evening. but it just takes a lot of energy to get my
one-armed self out the door, loaded in the car, 
drive and do it all over again.
so i slept through a few tv shows instead.
that was the best thing for me.
i know.
but sometimes i miss doing normal stuff.
attending things i've enjoyed in the past,
seeing people.
getting out.


but...it takes so much energy,
physically and emotionally.
i discovered i had my 'company face' 
on yesterday. 


hence the hiding under a rock today.


tomorrow i'll not be as weary,
more able to emotionally and 
physically handle life.


i know this holiday time and all the busyness of it
only enhance the weariness of momma and my arm.
and we've scaled back...lots.
i'm not baking, no lights on the outside of the house,
smaller lightless tree, no cards going out, etc.
i told my youngest ' presents may not be wrapped this year.'
i can't lift the boxes. 
but i really enjoy making pretty packages...


whine fest over..
i should just delete this diatribe.


glad God doesn't delete me on days like this. 

why?

momma asks me "why?
why am i still here?
why are people praying for me to live?
why can't they see i'll be better in heaven?"

and with all the astounding wisdom 
in my head i reply,
" i don't know." 


we agree that for a believer, 
heaven is graduation.
so why wouldn't we all be praying for that for her.


i assured her i am. 
she was relieved. 


friday, momma was weary still. 
not the energy i saw on wednesday.
she said " i've had a lot of company"
meaning, " i need more down time."
so when my hubby stops by, 
 i only let him stay about 15 minutes,
and i go watch the bingo players and birds
for about an hour so momma can nap.


you see, i noticed weeks ago, while 
she was still on the farm something interesting.
if it's just momma, me, daddy or sister-bird,
mom will allow her weariness to show.
but if anyone else is around, 
she makes herself be "company pleasant."
which is okay...
except...
it takes a TREMENDOUS amount of energy
and she ends up more weary. 

and selfishly, i want to protect her
so while she is still with us, 
she can be not quite so exhausted.


daddy walked in moms room yesterday 
late afternoon, looking dapper.
he had a grin on his face, 
had gotten his "ears lowered".
and wouldn't you know it...
he had on a bright blue shirt.
it looks great with his white hair and blue eyes.
he must think so too, 
because he had it on wednesday.
and probably monday. 

: )

i looked it over, it wasn't visibly dirty,
and besides he did laundry wednesday or thursday. 

he kept checking his watch and commenting..
'i need to leave in about 20 minutes."


i'm thinking its because he knows he needs 
to be home before dark. it's a 10 mile drive
in the country, through some hills. 
he has poor eye sight. 


well, i was wrong..kind of.
he was going over to my brothers for supper.
they've taken some food over to him,
but this time he wasn't eating by himself.
:-)


yesterday was bath day for momma,
but when they schedule it late in the day,..
that's not a good plan.
so today, due to a shortage of workers,
(ack, i hate to hear that)
they were going to give her a bath this morning.
at 5:30 A.M.

i suggested momma could wait until monday perhaps.
" i want a bath." 
okay. 
she's probably awake about then anyway.


the evening had arrived,
it was time for me to get on the one hr drive home.
i don't see too good after dark either.


momma would say, "you need to get going."
and then we would talk about something else.
i even got her to laugh...
twice. 
loved seeing her mile wide smile. 


as i left, giving her the usual kiss and love
i said
" if you decide to go to heaven before i get back..
it's fine."
"okay" she said.
and then i continued,
" just tell everyone hi for me, when you get there!"


she grinned,
and i drove home with a bright full moon
making my pathway brighter. 


i don't know why,
but i do know WHO.
and know He is in control. 

a quiet week

such a blessed quiet week.
mom is settling nicely into the care home.
adjusting to the schedules and meeting the workers.
learning how much time she can be out and about 
before she becomes exhausted, 
and spends the rest of the day in her room.

daddy seems to be adjusting too.
i know his evenings are probably still too long
and lonely, 
but he's not complaining.
just goes to town twice a day to 
see his sweetheart.

wednesday was a busy day for mom.
the hospice social worker was there
when i arrived. she's a lovely lady.
then moms sister popped in during lunch.
i sat at the table w/my folks while they ate.
of course got to visit w/the other residents
around our table and at our table.
they are cute. 
someone was playing lovely, but loud piano 
music during lunch. 
mom was annoyed because that's her time 
to socialize. 
conversations aren't nearly as pleasant when
you must 'use your outside voice' to be heard.
and my sister-in-law stopped by too.

fortunately mom woke up on wednesday feeling really good.
she told me, " when i moved in here, i was dying. now...
maybe God's healing me. I feel pretty good."


was good to hear.


I talked w/her on thursday and could hear the
weariness in her voice. she wasn't quite as energetic.
seemed to work a  bit more finding the right words 
to express herself.
she figured she had done too much.
after breakfast she stayed out to do the craft.
mom said it must have been a snowman on a fence.
but it looked to have been done in halloween colors.


okay.


but at least she tried something.


while on the phone she mentioned a horribly loud
noise in her room.
couldn't i hear it? 
it sounded like bullets she said.


since i wasn't hearing it i got concerned.
maybe she was 'hearing things' now.
daddy was there and had checked out everything.
they had pushed the call light.
and all of a sudden, yes, i heard a shrill sound.


whew....they weren't hearing things. 


later i called back to see if the 
noise had stopped.
it had, was the oxygenator needing water. 


she's still debating on whether or not
her legs are strong enough to continue
to use a certain lift, vrs. a full body lift.
pros and cons to both.
am encouraging her to stay with this 
as long as she can. 


her comments waffle between,
"i feel good. maybe God is healing me."
to 
"maybe i'll just have to stay in bed all day."


this is all part of the journey.
one day, 
one hour,
one conversation at a time.

jumbled

or have's and have nots'

lively happy Christmas music urges my feet to skip, hop and bop.
yeah.
it's Robert Goulet, one of mom's favs.
i learned to 'kitchen dance' from my momma.
she often sang, where ever she was and 
would do a little boogie-ing at times.
in the midst of a bopstep, my heart breaks.
momma won't be boogie-ing this side of heaven again.


a few weeks ago, while still on the farm, 
nov. 14th, to be precise,
i sang Gaither songs w/momma.
such balm for my grieving heart. 
momma and i were still singing together.
one more time at least.


i did the brave face, keep singing plan.
one song did give me pause, sneaky tears,
but my determination pervailed.
i kept singing.
it was my gift to her,
to me,
and bride-daughter got to be there too. 


this is such a tender memory for me. 


yesterday at the care home, 
we had the same cd playing.
"it is finished. the battle is won."


once again, the sweet duet of my momma and me.
she was changing the words
intentionally.
personalizing them to her situation.
longing for release from the anxiety of uncertainty of dying.,
to the joy of heaven. 


she could/would only do that song...
regardless...it was sweetness for me. 
we sang together, for a few lines at least.


what are the jumbled-ness, haves, have nots?
i can sing w/momma,
my sister melts into tears thinking about it.

 or
mom asking me " we are paying for this right?"
meaning the care home.
"yes momma."
or
she doesn't remember singing w/me on the farm 
on nov. 14th.
breathe deep, 
it's okay. 
she tells me, pointing to the top of her head,
"it's getting fuzzy up here."



how about this for jumbledness:
going over the recent financial info w/daddy.
bills, letters, etc.
we had just looked at his bank statements, 
discussed the money,
and then....
within 3 minutes he sees those statements sitting there
and said.
"if you want to know how much money i have....
look at these."
oh poppa,
" i did Daddy, you're doing just fine."


yet he can pull other things out with amazing clearness.

or...
the phone calls from 2 of mom's siblings.
they don't remember talking to her earlier,
so they call again....the same day.
momma is very weary,
she sighs when the phone rings at times.
it's nice to be loved,
but exhausting.


she tells me she's been praying for the different 
people in the care home.
she can hear them and petitions God on their behalf.


it causes me to stop,
to be content in the wonder.
..here's my dying momma,
growing physically weaker each day, 
longing for heaven,
yet storming heaven for others.


no wonder God lets her linger her.
she's about His business.
she's been visiting w/the aides about God.
and yet, 
she longs to "change her address",
asap.


have's...have nots...


each day i have the chance to call her,
say " hi, i love you,"
each day i have the chance to pat her arm,
hug her, kiss her,
i am blessed.
thank you Jesus for letting us all have momma  a little longer.

new routines

momma is learning new routines.
waiting patiently for help to get from recliner to wheel chair,
or to bed, or whatever.
"driving" down to her meals.
learning to sleep with different noises all around.


dad is learning new routines too.
he has to answer the phone at home, or not.
no one to put to bed, 
get up in the morning,
make sure she had something to eat. 
now he goes to town a few times each day.
eats lunch w/momma then goes home,
takes a nap, and back to town. 
he's also learning to let us kids do the stuff
momma did. the book keeping, etc. 


I'm learning the book keeping.
Am adjusting to not needing to be at the farm every few days or so.
Can just go see the folks at the care home. 
and I still go every few days or so. 


Momma has tried to stay in her wheel chair each morning
after breakfast and visit the other residents until lunch.
She's learned it wears her out.
Yesterday, they had lunch in her room. 
She had visited too much. 
she's learning what she has energy for. 


Phone calls to momma are tricky.
I try to keep it under 5 minutes when i call.
and i only call once a day, if i've not visited.


We are having a cold snap which helps me feel more seasonal.
I've put up our christmas tree.
It's not one we've had as our main tree before,
but hubby and I are content with it.
No lights allowed, but the reflections seem to be sufficient.
We've used the deep pink colored glass balls that came
with the tree,
and added some blue and a few green, too.
The white cotton batting sprinkled with glitter is 
just the right touch to use a tree skirt. 


This was his maternal grandparents tree.
We've  had it for over 30 years.
The sentimental tenderness of it fits our moods this year.
How fitting to use this sweet little tree, 
full of grandparent love and memories
while ours kid's grandma is longing for heaven.
It fits.
Feels right.

I

I'm ok with this routine. 


p.s. my brown-eyed-handsome-man ordered a color wheel
for this sweet little wonder. :-)