If only

Yesterday I was watering my hyacinths
And thought I heard noise in the house.
I briefly wondered what it was
But kept watering.
Then a quiet little thought slipped into my mind
" oh it's probably Dan who will tell me Mom is on the phone"
???
Wouldn't that be GRAND.
It's been too long since I talked to her.

A few weeks ago in church a sweet Godly woman
Reminded me of my momma.
And not for the first time either.
But it was the encouraging way she nodded at her grand daughter
That caught my heart this time.
I had seen my momma doing the same thing.

Grief.
You never know when or what or even how long it will
Slip in for a reminder of what I loved.
What I still love but can't express it directly anymore.

Sigh
Maybe it's the time of year that's sparked this
Spring, flowers,
Resurrection.
Might be because a family I know
Is spending many hospital hours with their mom.
I remember those.

Regardless I am
Letting the tears fall.
Missing my sweet, funny, encouraging momma
And reminding myself to lean on Jesus for comfort,
Peace, wisdom as I wade through this grief burst,
Hoping it doesn't settle in for a stay.

Which is why I'm writing.
In hope that expressing my heart it will
Settle down and move on once again
In to the joy of life.

squirrel lessons

i was squirrel watching yesterday morning.

the little fur ball was madly munching away 

on an acorn. 

we have a lovely oak tree that 

provides shade for me, 

home for those crazy doves,

and food for the squirrels.

mr. squirrel was sitting under our pergola.

merrily munching acorns
with periodic bouts of scampering 

about the yard.

all of a sudden in swoops a rather large bird

who i'm certain is a hawk.

i'm thinking he's seen mr. s. and has flown

in for breakfast. 

mr. hawk lands on the west edge of the pergola 

quietly watching mr. s. 

from my ring side dining room chair i begin

to give warning to mr. s.

"watch out! do you see him? 

you better take cover or you'll be 

mincemeat."

all the while i'm debating if i want to 

be a witness to the scene i am positive 

will happen. 

do i want to start my day with the memory of 

how a hawk catches breakfast? 

but i am fascinated so linger longer.

mr. h hunches over the pergola edge pondering his pounce.

mr.s finally sees the hawk.

i'm certain he will now run under the spirea bush
trembling in fear.

but will that be enough protection?
i'm imagining a flurry of wings, fur,
feathers and leaves happening soon in the bush.

suddenly mr.s boldly marches over to the pergola,

and then...
he runs up the side heading to the top. 

what?
oh no! he's a gonner....

hahaha. 

nope .

see this pint sized critter has a david mentality.

he charges at the hawk who leaps up 

wings flapping furiously but settles back down

on the east edge of the pergola.
mr. s isn't satisfied so

upon this change of plans he bravely

charges to the east pergola side chasing off his goliath

who this time flies out of my yard.

mr. s. does a victory dance.

what a great start to my day..

Letting go, or not

what a week its been.
hurricane harvey stirring up trouble
along with concerns for our son
and his lady. 
he was working off shore, she was manning 
their home. 
thankful to report minimal leaking
of their roof is all they had.
still there was a bit of concern from this momma.

that was the start of several days of many concerns
and tender heart moments.
within 9 days I not only had harvey 
to contend with emotionally, 
but several other things. 
a sweet aunt slipped into heaven.
then a cousin also did 9 days later.
goodbyes are rarely easy.
 
add all that to the big weekend.

hubby had decided to hike a big mountain
in honor of his 60th year. 
he chose Labor Day weekend to do so.
our kids wanted to come
so we rented a big cabin.
they bought airline tickets
and the anticipation began.

except...harvey...
challenges were strong getting our son
off the rig. 
delays more than once thwarted plans.
i kept saying "God knows best" 
and kept praying for safety 
and wisdom.

endless plans, 
innumerable flights changed
and a few anxious moments,
but they did arrive, only a day late.
thanks be to God.

sunday was hiking day for three brave souls.
water, snacks, sunscreen, etc packed
and off they went at 7:30 am.
hubby was certain they would be back by 1.
i was thinking more like 3 or 4.

i got to spend the day with our
grandson, youngest daughter, 
very weary son and his lady.
we enjoyed a relaxing day.
we received updates on the hikers
and knew all was going well.
 
however it was taking longer than we/they thought.
much longer.
that's fine, still time to get down before dark.
uh huh   ............
well dark was quickly coming and i began to get
anxious.
its 7 pm. way past 1, 3 and 4.
what if they got stuck on the trail?
no blankets only jackets
but bears and other wildlife.
do I call someone or what and when? 
i was anxious. 
i was tired.
i finally said a bit forcefully to our 3 kids that didn't hike.
" i'm getting weary of praying all you guys safe 
and where you are supposed to be. 
if you would just be 
where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be,
it would be easier on me. "
(notice the me factor.)
like they can control the weather

i pulled the grandsons pull toy
train around and around the couch
following him like he requested.
(it was his parents hiking with granddad
so he was getting anxious too.)
settle down grammie, you know better.

praise the Lord 30 minutes later the hikers arrived
safe and sound at 7:30 pm.

sure was good to give hubby a big hug. 
i hung on extra long even.
my emotions had been spent. 
too many ups and downs for nine days.

regardless of my anxiety God has remained
faithful.
why I struggled with that one last bit
of letting go? 
too many roller coaster situations and emotions
is my guess.

good thing God wasn't worried. 

Holiday Memories 2016

pondering things on my mind these days...

-watching the morning birds dining at the feeder 

with our eight month old grandson. 

-seeing our daughter's reaction to the surprise 

of their brother showing up for Christmas.

much squealing, hugging, and jumping was involved. 

they are all adults too. 😍

-laughter with all our kids in our home...

at the same time. 

(last time we enjoyed a holiday

all together was in 2012.)

-holding the hand of my dying friend,

and silly conversations with her and her family. 

- the joy and excitement a baby 

brings to our home.

-watching that little butterbean charm the socks off

his uncle and aunts. 

- a pew, or two, full of family at mass with 

my mom-in-love. 

-reconnecting with old friends from faraway. 

thanks be to God. 

It's the little things

or one " little thing" in particular.
his name is butter - bean.
Not really, but that seems to be the name
That slips most often from my mouth.
Or the words " oh my grandson I love you".

I recently figured something out about my heart.
Or maybe I put things together
Regardless, I've been saying for the past 8 1/2 months
How I don't feel so empty now.
This precious gift has filled up the holes
In my heart.
Holes that came after the deaths of my parents.

Sometimes I would ponder on that fact.
Just what how did that work?
I feel like I still love my parents
And always will.
So how can I feel empty and sometimes alone?

Finally it dawned on me..
Now I have a person for that love to go.
A sweet dark eyed, ear to ear grinning
Little bundle of drool and baby chatter
To give my love to.
I can hug him.
I can kiss his chubby cheeks and nuzzle his neck
Until he literally gives out these cute
Deep baby giggles.

Oh my world is always good.
Blessed.
But to have this heart stealing charmer to give
Love to...
such a gift.

Thanks God for butter bean.

A table full

yesterday I put the leaves back in under the dining table.
All but one chick had left the nest,
It was time to make the table smaller.
As I remembered the recent meals of love and giggles
I couldn't help but travel back in my memories.

We've fed many bodies around this stately yet sturdy gift
In the 16 years we've had it.
We've eaten an assortment of good food.
Played innumerable rounds of spoons, phase 10, catch phrase, just to name a few.
We've been honored to host both sides of our family,
Our friends, our children's friends, missionaries,
and more.

Before this was our table it had lived a few years of a quiet life on the farm.
You see, it was my paternal grandmas table and she died in 1969.
From then until 2001 the table only hosted my old bachelor uncles mail on the old lace cloth.
And then it came back to life in our home.

However in its previous life it had been loved and well used by
My cousins by the dozens,
Aunts, uncles, and even grandparents sat there before
It became mine.

As I slid each leaf back into storage I couldn't help but
Think of the grandpa I never knew.
Where did he get this cherished piece?
And did he ever think that someday a great great grandson
Would dine at it too?
Five generations of family have eaten at the same table.

Seems like it was a wise investment.
Thanks grandpa.

Almost here

Our grand baby is almost here.
Due date is two weeks from yesterday.
Was nice to turn the calendar to April
Because I know it's closer .

Yes I'm looking forward to this new adventure.

Brown eyed handsome man and I saw the movie
Big Fat Greek Wedding II today.
We laughed and laughed.
So many life situations we identified with
And there are just some funny lines
And unexpected things.

We also shed a few tears.
Again situations we identify with.
Tender times of love, life changes,
Family events.
I remember celebrating with family and friends
Our daughters wedding.
All the planning and then the fun too.
And now a baby for that bride and her hubby.

My heart went to the lines in another terrific movie
Fiddler on the Roof, and the song Sunrise Sunset.
" I don't remember growing older,  when did they?"
You guessed it.
My eyes got teary.
Our " little girl" is soon to be loving on her
own baby.
Where did the years go?

Pull yourself together here Grammie.
Change is life.
Life is change.