i cannot keep quiet

i've participated in a few things in the last 48 hours that are
disturbing to me.
also heartbreaking, frustrating and head shaking.

i attended a library meeting on thrusday 
regarding summer reading programs.
there is always a theme.
in fact a theme for 3 age groups.
the kids theme is "Dream Big..read."
nice. to the point.
theme for teens is "own the night."
what???
i see this a bit distortedly.
what do they mean by this?
personally i think you tell some teens to
'own the night' and its like saying
go do whatever you want. legal or not.
hmmmm
it gets better/worse.
the adult theme is....
"under the covers".
yes, that's it.

okay, so maybe it's my disjointed mind
but why does the library system think they have
to use sexual inuendo to promote book reading?
seems a bit degrading to society, not to 
mention the library.
i don't like it, 
can you tell?

***
tonight brown eyed handsome man and i saw a movie.
we decided to see the hunger games since it seems
to be the rage. 
and we can't base an opinion on something we don't 
know about.
sigh.
 i did not read the book.
and i will say the movie was well done.
there was great tension, uncertainty,
a decent ending, not overwhelmingly
graphic, etc.
but. 
..... no i mean 

BUT  

i am sad that this type of movie 
is entertainment. my morals are offended.
i am saddened.
innocent children killing each other
for the entertainment of a privileged society
in the movie,
and then WE go and watch this.
that makes me on equal footing with that society in the movie. 
bleh.

it just makes me sad.
wounds my spirit.
seems contrary to some words of wisdom 
i've read,
"Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about
things that are excellent  and worthy of praise." 
Philippians 4:8. 

marching around, or setting up games of killing
just don't fit in with those words.
and yes, i know most action movies have
good guys and bad guys and killing, etc.
doesn't mean i like them.
doesn't mean i would take my young child to them.  
it was sad to see the number of young kids in attendance.
watching. no adults there at all.


the realities of life are sometimes hard enough
that for entertainment i don't need to up my 
stress level.


okay. 
you read the books.
you liked them.
you saw the movie.
you liked it.
that's your option and opinion.
i have 4 kids who've done all or both.


and 4 kids who said
"mom, you won't like the movie".


they are right. 
at the risk of sounding like my dear momma
"what is society coming to?"






  

March 26th

55 years ago was a big huge blizzard!
snow drifts so 
high you could walk up on
the top of roofs. (or is it rooves? hahhaah.)

the world got a bit brighter for two young kids in love,
my brown-eyed-handsome-man was born.
arriving as number 2 son. he got 2 more brothers later.
they were raised in a god -loving home with lots 
of love and fun. 

i fell in love with this fella sometime in 1975.
we've been together since then. 
long time ...i know. 

he's been gone all weekend driving high school band
kids across the state and back. 
getting home in time for his cherry cheese cake today.

silly man, he got a note from his mom while he was away.
after opening it he said " oh a birthday greeting. i wondered why
mom was sending me something." 
he also had another realization. he told me
" i realized right before i got out of bed today, i won't be 
getting a birthday card from your mom. it was kind of sad" 
yup it is. i know he misses her love and support too.

but i looked outside as the sun was coming up and God
gave him a gorgeous sunrise to watch.
and i have a card for him, besides the ch. ch.cake.
at some point this year he'll find some books he 
wants and i will happily buy them and 
say " happy birthday."
plus he'll get several phone calls.

now...about that cake..
i need to get it made.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY HONEY.
i love you lots and so glad you are home.
too bad he doesn't read the blog.
hahhahhahhahaha. 
 
 
 

she asked me "why?"

i was talking to a friend at church today.
a friend who has made this grief journey 
with both her parents.
i knew she would listen with understanding 
ears, and heart.
she did beautifully.

i mentioned "sometimes i think i shouldn't be feeling 
like this. missing mom so."
my friend asked me " why?"
it caught me off guard.
eventually my answer was " i really don't know"

i've been pondering this in the last hour..
why should i be exempt from the grief?
why can't i miss my mom?
just because my hubby's a pastor doesn't make me any tougher.
or because i've been listening to and loving on others with deep loss 
does not make me hurt any less, or lessen my pain.

Grace.
once again, i need to give myself grace.
of course i should miss my mom.
i even miss my dad. 
he's got such an interesting case of dementia,
that keeps us on our toes and repeating some things over
and over and over. 
he's not the dad of my childhood and i miss that man.

so miss fpmomma, give yourself grace.
recognize you just aren't gonna remember stuff at times.
you will have more wakeful nights.
need more time hiding from society trying to 
make sense of this loss.  

sister-bird gave me a poster when i was in high school.
there was a long brown haired girl walking through an 
empty field. written across the sky it said
"sometimes you need to be alone with yourself
to put yourself back together again."
that has always been who i am. 
more so now.


maybe we should go back to wearing black 
so the world will know you are in mourning
and the expectations of the bereaved will be 
minimal.


but really what do you expect from a person
like me? you know, someone who has had a 
significant loss in their life. 


personally, don't expect a lot.
sometimes its an accomplishment to be dressed
and moving. 
but don't be afraid to talk to me.
don't run if i cry, or try to change the subject.
just give me a hug, or a pat on the arm.
something that shows you really care.
this loss is not something that you recover from
quickly. TIME is what it takes. 
i've barely had 2 months.
i know i shall miss my mom the rest of my life.
i also know as time passes and my heart mends,
the intensity of the pain will lessen, but there
will always be grief bursts. this isn't my first
'grief rodeo'.


just to clarify, i am blessed to have
many people who are supporting me with love
and understanding. 
so i'm not speaking out of bad personal experiences.
but i know others who have had those.


and just in case you think
" this woman needs help"
i will be attending some grief awareness workshops
in april. 
and i'll most assuredly keep journaling about it here.
there usually is a sense of release and peace after 
i've done so. 
hallelujah!


i'm looking at Easter a bit differently this year.
since momma's up there celebrating i just
see the resurrection differently some how.


"holy holy holy, is the Lord God Almighty,"


 
 

it was mom's kind of evening

i made a fast trip to the farm last evening.
as i got closer the emotions began to surface
and i just wanted to cry.
since it was 5 miles away and there were family
members there, i postponed those tears.
ah the price of loving someone deeply

it was a beautiful evening.
we've gotten some much needed rain
so the grass was no longer dusty and 
starting to green up a bit. new leaves
are budding on trees,
the wind wasn't blowing and the
temp in the mid 60's.
the evening doves were cooing,
the cattle were mooing,
(not making this up, they really were)


thank you God for the gift of rain.

a nephew was there with his family. 
another was arriving soon.
i was exploring the flower beds on a tulip-bud hunt
with nearly 3 yr old Mr. Z, a great nephew.
he looked at the leaves and said,
"grandma has these" 
(that's sister-bird.)
flowers soon loose their interest once the swing
is discovered. he sits down and slowly begins
to move it about.
i tell him his grandma used to swing on that swing,
and so did his daddy. 
next time i'll tell him grandpa-great made
that swing. 
once the swing becomes old i walk this very
cautious young man to the house next door to meet his cousins. 
they were outside waiting on their daddy to get home.  
it was interesting to watch this under 6 yr old group
begin to interact. 
or not...
they just eyed each other from a distance.
Mr. Z hanging on tight to my hand,
and the cousins staying close to their mom.
i was reminded of how dogs greet each other
and was thankful the little boys didn't know about
that butt sniffing greeting. : )

due to locations and life these kids have not
had the opportunity to get to spend time together.
mom's funeral was really their first time.
eventually they all settled into doing mutual
activities around each other, but not together.
they were all digging in the dirt.

when it was time to go back to grandpa-greats 
for supper i asked the cousins if they wanted
to walk with us. when they zipped in their grandmas
house getting permission, Mr. Z was concerned.
"they aren't coming" he sadly said. 
"wait a bit."
and sure enough, out the door they bopped.
we headed back over just in time to see
grandpa-great step out in the yard checking 
if we were coming. he was hungry.

this generation of kids' daddies, cousins themselves,
had played together for hours and hours on the farm. 
had countless sleep overs, some on the swimming pool deck,
jumped off the pool railing,
(being encouraged by their grandpa),
made forts out of whatever they could get their
hands on. 
blew up endless ant dens and gourds with fire crackers,
climbed the trees and tv tower, got on the roof, 
learned to drive, shot bb guns, played in the barns,
and most certainly did many things they shouldn't.
how do i know what they did?
well i grew up on that farm
and had the same joys of cousins who came to play.
now the next generation is getting acquainted.


later as a dozen of us sat around the big table for 
supper, i looked at the faces gathered.
four generations of family.
from the oldest, 83 year old grandpa-great to
the youngest, almost 3 year old Mr. Z,
my heart rejoiced, no desire for tears.
mom would have loved it and been in her element.
to see family together with
the gentle teasing and laughter that
nearly always enhances our meals.
to hear her now adult grandsons catching up on life. 
to see the latest generation wanting to sit
next to each other, their little heads 
barely big enough to see over the table,
wanting to eat so they could go play.
(this time they did play together.)
was sweetness.  

it was all the good things my folks instilled in us.
the things that many generations have been taught.
we are a family who loves each other. 
we are a family that has fun.
 
four generations sharing pizza and brownies...
and love. 

mass exodus of moms

in the past few months it seems God is calling moms to Him.
i have several high school classmates who's moms have 
moved... just like my mom did.
( moved=died, yes i can and do say that word. 
i just don't like it today.)

i can think of 3 in the past 2 months. 
not counting my hoosier sisters mom in october.
or her ohio son in love's mom just in the past few weeks.

what is going on God?
was your supply of mom's getting low?
did you want some new faces?
is there's a mom convention going on in heaven?

brown eyed handsome man went to the funeral
yesterday of a classmates mom. i didn't.
i told him " i cannot go to another mom's funeral right now."
 actually i think it's more like 
" i just can't go to another funeral right now."

there are many feelings i'm having these days.
there are many thoughts i'm having these days.
i've written some great blog posts...
in the shower.
and then no energy or desire to put them to paper.

i think, "well it doesn't matter anyway.
this grief thing is getting old, people don't really want 
to hear about the journey anymore."
so this thought surfaces.." it's not about them.
who cares what others want to read. it's about you."
how selfish is that?

well who else is living my life? 

***

i talked to daughter bride the other evening for 3 hours
on the phone. it went fast. 
she needed to hear some of my journeys,
i needed to hear hers.
she, me and bird, seem to be running really close to the 
same feelings, thoughts and responses on our grief journeys.
i told daughter, " the reality of never seeing mom again, 
this side of heaven, is starting to settle in.
not gently either."
she said " you're further along than me."
i reminded her we can only process so much 
at a time. 


we talked about how our journeys are the same,
yet different.
she lost her grandma. 
i lost my mom.
the person who loved me regardless. through thick and thin,
was my BEST life cheerleader. 
she always wanted the best for me.
always believed in me.
often challenged me.
i miss that person in my life.


yet i know i am so blessed to have had a mothers love like that.
not everyone does.
so i try not to wallow in my loss, 
but rejoice in my gift.
that's a fine line to find and remain balanced on.
it's more like this..
wallow wallow, cry, feel nothing , wallow,
cry, be content, thankful. cry, wallow, content. blessed.
(wash, rinse, repeat.) 

with that mixed pot, no wonder most days
i'm not sure of how i am. 
i just am.
yesterday i did not even open the living room blinds.
i just wanted the world to stay away. 
no people,
no phone calls. 
just let me be.
even though i knew i needed to put a few hours in
at one of my jobs, and that was fine, i was
keeping the rest of life out. 
the phone rang,
and rang,
and rang.
i growled at it more than once.

i didn't clean the kitchen yesterday either.
so there.
i did make lunch-soup, 
and supper-broiled brats.
and baked cookie dough.
and ate them up.
still didn't clean the kitchen.
it will be there when daylight comes
and i will address it then.
***

lately i think often of the day mom died.
her responses,
my responses.
others loving compassion.
it makes me cry.


i remember words i said to her in her last months.
some of those words i want to take back.
even on the day she struggled with ending this life on earth.


when she would say, " i am ready. i just want to go to heaven."
we would say things like " we know. go ahead. it's fine.
we'll be fine."
now i want to say.."NO. come back. i didn't really mean it.
i changed my mind. " 
even as she lay there dying, and it was painful to watch at times.
i had to emotionally put my heart somewhere else so we could
proceed with the day, another part of me was saying
" don't go mom. i need you."
while yet i am praying
"make it peaceful Jesus.
make it easier please.
take her home to you." 


walked that fine line once again.
walked????
 ha!
not really,
trudging up hill dragging my weary feet 
and breaking heart. 
***
 
bird and i have been intentional lately
about letting daddy know we miss mom.
he doesn't usually say anything
or respond to that.
that's fine. 
we still want him to know we miss her.
life is not roses and chocolates for us
either. 
maybe someday he'll open up.
maybe not.
years ago he commented rather gruffly
" people are always saying they need to find themselves.
what do they mean 'find themselves.?' 
that's dumb. "
it only takes once to attempt to explain that,
and then you just let him be.

another time he made this comment in reference
to counselors and people who go to them.
"i don't need them. don't see what good they are.
they can't change anything! why talk about it?
why do people even go?"

generational differences perhaps?
fyi, one of his grandsons is a counselor.
: )

okay, my brain is done rambling.
you're still here?
go to bed.
don't you know it's 4:30 in the morning.
you should be asleep. 
 
 







 
 
 

We took a well deserved week off.

Sister bird and i took a trip. 

me on the river front in Savannah. Cross that bridge and end up 
in South Carolina. we did! 

 we were drop-jawed with awe over the moss, flowers, and green.

 gorgeous sunset on the back river at tybee island.

fried green tomato salad in Savannah. i liked 'em.

                            chilly, silly sisters on tybee beach. 

                           sunrise on the Atlantic Ocean.
                                           with a ship.

                      more sunrise, wish you could have been there.

 look carefully to the right side of pic. see the dark line thing?

                                 see the water splash over it?

         see sister-bird take a nap on it...during low tide of course.

                         at high tide, this baby is too far to get to.

                                   and this is what it said.

                                 the water was a bit chilly.

                                                 however the sand was grand!

                   sister kept having to delete photos, 
                    so she retired to the 'dark room'.

                                 clouds, water,  loveliness

                                      shark shaped cloud

                                        we will go back!

grief... it's what keeps you crazy.

i went shopping today with my dad, sister and brother.
dad was ready to pick out a headstone for he and mom.
we had a bit of giggling and story telling at lunch,
where we were all amazed that dad ate all of his cheeseburger.
it was huge. 
and then he ate the chips.
whew....
next stop, the monument company.

dad and i are wandering through the samples 
and in the background i see two rounded shapes.
it looks like mickey mouse ears! what?
oh, it's really a double heart.
i turn around because my hubby and brother are 
laughing, and i wonder what struck them.
eventually i end up by them and make a comment 
about the mickey mouse ears. they both just laugh louder.
seems my brother noticed it the same way as me.
sister-bird arrived after we did.
the next thing i know...there's more laughter.
she had approached our brother and said
" i really don't have a preference...but...i 
don't want the mickey mouse ears!" 
oh my. 
good kids that we are, you see
our momma taught us to laugh and find joy in living.  
we were being obedient. : )


dad chose the stone, we all approved.
sister and i commented that the light tan one WOULD NOT
work for mom. 
she would have said..."it's the color of dirt!"
good thing dad didn't pick that one out.
eventually we get the lay out and such determined.
dad wants it simple, we do too.
but we wanted something to represent a bit 
of who are parents are. 
wheat for our farmer dad.
a blooming yucca plant for mom
and a cross because that's how they live,
following Jesus.

even though we laughed some, it was still 
a bit emotional for me. 
yesterday was 2 months since mom moved to heaven.
i am wearier this week and feel quieter.


on the way home i told brown-eyed-handsome-man
"i'm glad we did that together. the four of us. 
we've been making these decisions as a family for 
several months. it was good to be together."
but " i don't really like having to pick out a headstone 
for my momma. it means she's gone. and that part 
is really not my idea of fun."


as spring is sneaking in our land, i think more and more 
of mom. she loved spring. we talked often of the first tulips,
crocus, robin, blooms on the crab apple or pear trees. 
i miss making those phone calls to say..
"guess what is in my yard!"

it lots of little things i miss, feel.
after spending a week in the beach sun i came home 
a little suntanned. 
hubby didn't notice. okay.
no one at church commented. okay.
but i know, 
i know for a fact
momma would have noticed and commented.
i missed that.
her sister noticed on monday at lunch.
she said "oh you got some sun!"
and that made me smile, i felt a little better.

recently i've been having dreams again about mom.
these are not warm lovey fluffy ones.
they are usually full of conflict or angst of some sort.
and she's either dying or already gone.

sister was commiserating with me about them, but
hadn't had any.
well..that changed.
she had them on the night i didn't.
i said "it's about time mom is haunting you!"

(now don't get hoity toity here,
i know mom's really not haunting,)


i dreamed last night about choosing 
the headstone. ugh. first mom was dead,
then she wasn't. and i wondered why 
we were getting her a stone if she was alive?
my sister informed me that she would be dead 
again soon and mom confirmed it. 
oh bother.
then i woke up confused. 
sheesh. 
sad to say, the dream my sister had was similar
to mine, just a different night. 

grief.... it's what keeps you crazy. 

 

tybee time

sister and I have LOVED our time in Georgia.
even though we are Midwest farmers daughters,
we are tropical girls at heart.

every morning we were shell seekers, beach walkers,
and often exclaimers of thanks to God for
the beauty of this area.

in the afternoon we  excelled in wave watching and
beach sitting.
water too cold for more than sneaking in a toe.
we are ready to see the husbands, but never ready
to leave the warm sunshine green grassy days.

spring hurry up

once again at this time of year
i am ready for spring.

ready to have daffodils and tulips
blooming their little hearts out.

these beauties are from spring 2011.
 

sure hoping they arrive in spring 2012 too.

the birds are busy chowing down on all things
edible, and probably doing some home remodeling too.
i've kept the binoculars out so i can quickly see who's who.

did you know my grammie would clean the hair out
of her hairbrush and place it in the trees?
she did. it was so the birds could add it in to 
their nests. 
i've been known to do the same thing.  

wanna hear a funny tale?
recently i was putting out bird seed.
i stepped out the door with the bucket full.
our border collie mix Patches, greeted me
with excitement and hope. 
i know she was wondering what sort of 
tasty tidbit was in there for her.
"sorry Patch, these aren't for you.
we need to feed the birds."

immediately she skipped, yes, she was happily 
skipping, across the yard and stood under a power line.
right above her head was a banded dove!!!

she so intelligent. 
i knew she knew her name and ball,
but didn't realize she knew bird too. 



 
 

untitled ramblings

a year ago i was belly-button deep in wedding plans.
it was fun...okay...not all the time, but usually it was.
i enjoyed it all. but also thankful we aren't
on that merry-go-round currently.

this year i am....??
who knows really.
guess i don't know the words... 
don't worry
because in reality, i am okay.
i took the last of my valentine roses
from brown eyed handsome man and put them
on my momma's grave. they were pretty well dried.
unfortunately i placed them on the windiest day.
and i forgot to take a piece of wire to anchor them 
in to the ground.
well.... the dirt is still soft so i was able to push the 
stems in the dirt several inches. 
when they would go no further i said 
"reach up and pull 'em on down mom."  
tee hee hee.
i did tell my dad about the flowers because i 
knew he would wonder why someone would put
ribbon wrapped sticks on mom's grave. 
see the wind scattered the petals real fast.
yes, he said they were only sticks, but i think
he probably left them.  

it's been a busy week,
something every day pulled me out of my warm home
and into the world.
time with dad, time with bird,
time with my shoulder doc,
time with a cute blue-eyed girl on a 
playground. 
time with some of the breast buddies and 
our 3 1/2 hour lunch. 
today time with community ladies being 
drawn to pray for Malaysia, for safety 
of the immigrants, children and women.
no matter how weary i might get,
i have not one thing to complain about.
my family is all housed, fed,
healthy and basically content.
thank you God.