she asked me "why?"

i was talking to a friend at church today.
a friend who has made this grief journey 
with both her parents.
i knew she would listen with understanding 
ears, and heart.
she did beautifully.

i mentioned "sometimes i think i shouldn't be feeling 
like this. missing mom so."
my friend asked me " why?"
it caught me off guard.
eventually my answer was " i really don't know"

i've been pondering this in the last hour..
why should i be exempt from the grief?
why can't i miss my mom?
just because my hubby's a pastor doesn't make me any tougher.
or because i've been listening to and loving on others with deep loss 
does not make me hurt any less, or lessen my pain.

Grace.
once again, i need to give myself grace.
of course i should miss my mom.
i even miss my dad. 
he's got such an interesting case of dementia,
that keeps us on our toes and repeating some things over
and over and over. 
he's not the dad of my childhood and i miss that man.

so miss fpmomma, give yourself grace.
recognize you just aren't gonna remember stuff at times.
you will have more wakeful nights.
need more time hiding from society trying to 
make sense of this loss.  

sister-bird gave me a poster when i was in high school.
there was a long brown haired girl walking through an 
empty field. written across the sky it said
"sometimes you need to be alone with yourself
to put yourself back together again."
that has always been who i am. 
more so now.


maybe we should go back to wearing black 
so the world will know you are in mourning
and the expectations of the bereaved will be 
minimal.


but really what do you expect from a person
like me? you know, someone who has had a 
significant loss in their life. 


personally, don't expect a lot.
sometimes its an accomplishment to be dressed
and moving. 
but don't be afraid to talk to me.
don't run if i cry, or try to change the subject.
just give me a hug, or a pat on the arm.
something that shows you really care.
this loss is not something that you recover from
quickly. TIME is what it takes. 
i've barely had 2 months.
i know i shall miss my mom the rest of my life.
i also know as time passes and my heart mends,
the intensity of the pain will lessen, but there
will always be grief bursts. this isn't my first
'grief rodeo'.


just to clarify, i am blessed to have
many people who are supporting me with love
and understanding. 
so i'm not speaking out of bad personal experiences.
but i know others who have had those.


and just in case you think
" this woman needs help"
i will be attending some grief awareness workshops
in april. 
and i'll most assuredly keep journaling about it here.
there usually is a sense of release and peace after 
i've done so. 
hallelujah!


i'm looking at Easter a bit differently this year.
since momma's up there celebrating i just
see the resurrection differently some how.


"holy holy holy, is the Lord God Almighty,"