grief... it's what keeps you crazy.

i went shopping today with my dad, sister and brother.
dad was ready to pick out a headstone for he and mom.
we had a bit of giggling and story telling at lunch,
where we were all amazed that dad ate all of his cheeseburger.
it was huge. 
and then he ate the chips.
whew....
next stop, the monument company.

dad and i are wandering through the samples 
and in the background i see two rounded shapes.
it looks like mickey mouse ears! what?
oh, it's really a double heart.
i turn around because my hubby and brother are 
laughing, and i wonder what struck them.
eventually i end up by them and make a comment 
about the mickey mouse ears. they both just laugh louder.
seems my brother noticed it the same way as me.
sister-bird arrived after we did.
the next thing i know...there's more laughter.
she had approached our brother and said
" i really don't have a preference...but...i 
don't want the mickey mouse ears!" 
oh my. 
good kids that we are, you see
our momma taught us to laugh and find joy in living.  
we were being obedient. : )


dad chose the stone, we all approved.
sister and i commented that the light tan one WOULD NOT
work for mom. 
she would have said..."it's the color of dirt!"
good thing dad didn't pick that one out.
eventually we get the lay out and such determined.
dad wants it simple, we do too.
but we wanted something to represent a bit 
of who are parents are. 
wheat for our farmer dad.
a blooming yucca plant for mom
and a cross because that's how they live,
following Jesus.

even though we laughed some, it was still 
a bit emotional for me. 
yesterday was 2 months since mom moved to heaven.
i am wearier this week and feel quieter.


on the way home i told brown-eyed-handsome-man
"i'm glad we did that together. the four of us. 
we've been making these decisions as a family for 
several months. it was good to be together."
but " i don't really like having to pick out a headstone 
for my momma. it means she's gone. and that part 
is really not my idea of fun."


as spring is sneaking in our land, i think more and more 
of mom. she loved spring. we talked often of the first tulips,
crocus, robin, blooms on the crab apple or pear trees. 
i miss making those phone calls to say..
"guess what is in my yard!"

it lots of little things i miss, feel.
after spending a week in the beach sun i came home 
a little suntanned. 
hubby didn't notice. okay.
no one at church commented. okay.
but i know, 
i know for a fact
momma would have noticed and commented.
i missed that.
her sister noticed on monday at lunch.
she said "oh you got some sun!"
and that made me smile, i felt a little better.

recently i've been having dreams again about mom.
these are not warm lovey fluffy ones.
they are usually full of conflict or angst of some sort.
and she's either dying or already gone.

sister was commiserating with me about them, but
hadn't had any.
well..that changed.
she had them on the night i didn't.
i said "it's about time mom is haunting you!"

(now don't get hoity toity here,
i know mom's really not haunting,)


i dreamed last night about choosing 
the headstone. ugh. first mom was dead,
then she wasn't. and i wondered why 
we were getting her a stone if she was alive?
my sister informed me that she would be dead 
again soon and mom confirmed it. 
oh bother.
then i woke up confused. 
sheesh. 
sad to say, the dream my sister had was similar
to mine, just a different night. 

grief.... it's what keeps you crazy.