mass exodus of moms

in the past few months it seems God is calling moms to Him.
i have several high school classmates who's moms have 
moved... just like my mom did.
( moved=died, yes i can and do say that word. 
i just don't like it today.)

i can think of 3 in the past 2 months. 
not counting my hoosier sisters mom in october.
or her ohio son in love's mom just in the past few weeks.

what is going on God?
was your supply of mom's getting low?
did you want some new faces?
is there's a mom convention going on in heaven?

brown eyed handsome man went to the funeral
yesterday of a classmates mom. i didn't.
i told him " i cannot go to another mom's funeral right now."
 actually i think it's more like 
" i just can't go to another funeral right now."

there are many feelings i'm having these days.
there are many thoughts i'm having these days.
i've written some great blog posts...
in the shower.
and then no energy or desire to put them to paper.

i think, "well it doesn't matter anyway.
this grief thing is getting old, people don't really want 
to hear about the journey anymore."
so this thought surfaces.." it's not about them.
who cares what others want to read. it's about you."
how selfish is that?

well who else is living my life? 

***

i talked to daughter bride the other evening for 3 hours
on the phone. it went fast. 
she needed to hear some of my journeys,
i needed to hear hers.
she, me and bird, seem to be running really close to the 
same feelings, thoughts and responses on our grief journeys.
i told daughter, " the reality of never seeing mom again, 
this side of heaven, is starting to settle in.
not gently either."
she said " you're further along than me."
i reminded her we can only process so much 
at a time. 


we talked about how our journeys are the same,
yet different.
she lost her grandma. 
i lost my mom.
the person who loved me regardless. through thick and thin,
was my BEST life cheerleader. 
she always wanted the best for me.
always believed in me.
often challenged me.
i miss that person in my life.


yet i know i am so blessed to have had a mothers love like that.
not everyone does.
so i try not to wallow in my loss, 
but rejoice in my gift.
that's a fine line to find and remain balanced on.
it's more like this..
wallow wallow, cry, feel nothing , wallow,
cry, be content, thankful. cry, wallow, content. blessed.
(wash, rinse, repeat.) 

with that mixed pot, no wonder most days
i'm not sure of how i am. 
i just am.
yesterday i did not even open the living room blinds.
i just wanted the world to stay away. 
no people,
no phone calls. 
just let me be.
even though i knew i needed to put a few hours in
at one of my jobs, and that was fine, i was
keeping the rest of life out. 
the phone rang,
and rang,
and rang.
i growled at it more than once.

i didn't clean the kitchen yesterday either.
so there.
i did make lunch-soup, 
and supper-broiled brats.
and baked cookie dough.
and ate them up.
still didn't clean the kitchen.
it will be there when daylight comes
and i will address it then.
***

lately i think often of the day mom died.
her responses,
my responses.
others loving compassion.
it makes me cry.


i remember words i said to her in her last months.
some of those words i want to take back.
even on the day she struggled with ending this life on earth.


when she would say, " i am ready. i just want to go to heaven."
we would say things like " we know. go ahead. it's fine.
we'll be fine."
now i want to say.."NO. come back. i didn't really mean it.
i changed my mind. " 
even as she lay there dying, and it was painful to watch at times.
i had to emotionally put my heart somewhere else so we could
proceed with the day, another part of me was saying
" don't go mom. i need you."
while yet i am praying
"make it peaceful Jesus.
make it easier please.
take her home to you." 


walked that fine line once again.
walked????
 ha!
not really,
trudging up hill dragging my weary feet 
and breaking heart. 
***
 
bird and i have been intentional lately
about letting daddy know we miss mom.
he doesn't usually say anything
or respond to that.
that's fine. 
we still want him to know we miss her.
life is not roses and chocolates for us
either. 
maybe someday he'll open up.
maybe not.
years ago he commented rather gruffly
" people are always saying they need to find themselves.
what do they mean 'find themselves.?' 
that's dumb. "
it only takes once to attempt to explain that,
and then you just let him be.

another time he made this comment in reference
to counselors and people who go to them.
"i don't need them. don't see what good they are.
they can't change anything! why talk about it?
why do people even go?"

generational differences perhaps?
fyi, one of his grandsons is a counselor.
: )

okay, my brain is done rambling.
you're still here?
go to bed.
don't you know it's 4:30 in the morning.
you should be asleep.