jumbled

or have's and have nots'

lively happy Christmas music urges my feet to skip, hop and bop.
yeah.
it's Robert Goulet, one of mom's favs.
i learned to 'kitchen dance' from my momma.
she often sang, where ever she was and 
would do a little boogie-ing at times.
in the midst of a bopstep, my heart breaks.
momma won't be boogie-ing this side of heaven again.


a few weeks ago, while still on the farm, 
nov. 14th, to be precise,
i sang Gaither songs w/momma.
such balm for my grieving heart. 
momma and i were still singing together.
one more time at least.


i did the brave face, keep singing plan.
one song did give me pause, sneaky tears,
but my determination pervailed.
i kept singing.
it was my gift to her,
to me,
and bride-daughter got to be there too. 


this is such a tender memory for me. 


yesterday at the care home, 
we had the same cd playing.
"it is finished. the battle is won."


once again, the sweet duet of my momma and me.
she was changing the words
intentionally.
personalizing them to her situation.
longing for release from the anxiety of uncertainty of dying.,
to the joy of heaven. 


she could/would only do that song...
regardless...it was sweetness for me. 
we sang together, for a few lines at least.


what are the jumbled-ness, haves, have nots?
i can sing w/momma,
my sister melts into tears thinking about it.

 or
mom asking me " we are paying for this right?"
meaning the care home.
"yes momma."
or
she doesn't remember singing w/me on the farm 
on nov. 14th.
breathe deep, 
it's okay. 
she tells me, pointing to the top of her head,
"it's getting fuzzy up here."



how about this for jumbledness:
going over the recent financial info w/daddy.
bills, letters, etc.
we had just looked at his bank statements, 
discussed the money,
and then....
within 3 minutes he sees those statements sitting there
and said.
"if you want to know how much money i have....
look at these."
oh poppa,
" i did Daddy, you're doing just fine."


yet he can pull other things out with amazing clearness.

or...
the phone calls from 2 of mom's siblings.
they don't remember talking to her earlier,
so they call again....the same day.
momma is very weary,
she sighs when the phone rings at times.
it's nice to be loved,
but exhausting.


she tells me she's been praying for the different 
people in the care home.
she can hear them and petitions God on their behalf.


it causes me to stop,
to be content in the wonder.
..here's my dying momma,
growing physically weaker each day, 
longing for heaven,
yet storming heaven for others.


no wonder God lets her linger her.
she's about His business.
she's been visiting w/the aides about God.
and yet, 
she longs to "change her address",
asap.


have's...have nots...


each day i have the chance to call her,
say " hi, i love you,"
each day i have the chance to pat her arm,
hug her, kiss her,
i am blessed.
thank you Jesus for letting us all have momma  a little longer.