i wanted to crawl under a rock today...and stay.

"some days will be better than others"
the hospice nurse verified this recently.
she/we were referring to momma.

personally,
today i've had a weary day.
after last nite, sleeping 2 1/2 hours in our bed,
then 2 hours on the couch,
then back to the bed for a few more,
i was still wanting to sleep at 7:30 a.m.
but we needed to leave for therapy in an hour.

i wasn't looking forward to that either.
yes, it hurts. 
lots. 
a probable reason is...
over a year ago i dilly-dallied w/my arm.
i asked my GP questions,, he said we could just 
do steroid shots to buy some time. 
we did.
i also stopped raising my arm over my head.
for nearly a year.


now..that non-over-head-arm...
it needs to go over head.
however, 
it's not going easily at all.
no sirree -bob! 


i'm doing my exercises at home.
it hurts. i get arm cramps and spasms.
and we PUSH on. literally.
sigh.


sunday was very full.
i wore out just getting in and out of the car
with this crazy sling, my coat and the wind forever
trying to capture my leg in the hungry car door. 


then an emotional evening with dear people
remembering their angel kids, parents, siblings.
it's a hard time, but it's a good time. 
it added to my weariness.


4 places to call today re: my momma.
some places we've called before..
didn't get the needed results
so was calling again.
sigh....
that list is not completed...yet.
will do MORE calls tomorrow.


a phone call with momma's younger sister.
she had questions...i had some possible answers.
not necessarily the answers she liked.
finally she commented..."i guess i need to start preparing 
myself that it's not gonna get any better." 
sorry to say...unless God gives us a miracle
no.... it's not.

today my momma told me she could not stand.
not even with the help of the fancy lift.
the one she liked so much..almost 2 weeks
ago when we moved her in.
she also said she was going to be forceful
and restrict or limit her visitors.
she's wearing out.
or maybe she never gets rested up?
i called her to report on the success of the list 
of calls. also asked if there was anything else.
"oh daughter....(pause)...i can't remember..
i don't know." 
"i know momma. just checking in case 
u did think of something. don't worry, i'm working 
on things." 


i wanted to watch our church kids play basketball 
this evening. but it just takes a lot of energy to get my
one-armed self out the door, loaded in the car, 
drive and do it all over again.
so i slept through a few tv shows instead.
that was the best thing for me.
i know.
but sometimes i miss doing normal stuff.
attending things i've enjoyed in the past,
seeing people.
getting out.


but...it takes so much energy,
physically and emotionally.
i discovered i had my 'company face' 
on yesterday. 


hence the hiding under a rock today.


tomorrow i'll not be as weary,
more able to emotionally and 
physically handle life.


i know this holiday time and all the busyness of it
only enhance the weariness of momma and my arm.
and we've scaled back...lots.
i'm not baking, no lights on the outside of the house,
smaller lightless tree, no cards going out, etc.
i told my youngest ' presents may not be wrapped this year.'
i can't lift the boxes. 
but i really enjoy making pretty packages...


whine fest over..
i should just delete this diatribe.


glad God doesn't delete me on days like this.