good byes don't come easy

Well today was ... spikey,
roller coastery... emotionally charged.

i will admit it's hard to see your childhood disintegrate.
the dresser you had and shared with your sister
no longer has a home.
when we got it mom painted it pink and white.
then bird got her own room, and eventually
mom and i painted it white and added some "classy"
gold decals and fancy drawer pulls.
our attempt to give it an french country look.
45 years later it's still "french country".

our old table that was the "dining table", until it
became the sewing table. we have photos of us
sitting at that table. i'm at it in my 1 yr old photo.
it needs a new home.

and then dad's desk.
it's not very big and the style is early american.
but i remember when we got it.
such excitement. a desk for dad.
a place to keep track of farm paperwork and such.
i remember where it sat in the  living room.
i also remember being excited because
now maybe i could do my homework at it...
a real honest to goodness desk.
well.... once in awhile i got to.
i also remember dad sharing many words of caution
in how to behave at the desk.
don't mark on it
don't scuff it.
don't put things in the drawers!

and yet, there it now sits, lonely, empty
and no one wants it or has room for it.
i understand.
truly.
but still.. it's hard.

i know i know
i am not the first person to close up a life of their
parents. and i won't be the last.
but i (we) are doing this and
it's our journey and sometimes
it's just soo hard.

like today i'm at dads bank.
an old high school classmate comes by,
pats my shoulder and sweetly asks
"how are you ?"
and i crumble.
my heart drops,
tears stream down my cheeks
and i say
"not too good today.
yesterday was fathers day and
today is very very hard."
she understood as i knew she would.
there was no need to pretend to feel other
than how i felt.
the lady who is helping me said
"i understand.
it's been 15 years since my dad died
and yesterday was hard for me too."
i told them i concentrated very hard yesterday 
on being thankful to just have had a good dad 
worth missing..
but sometimes those tears need out.

grief and honesty. 
when shared the load lightens a bit. 

so in my attempt to process this journey
i've returned to writing in hopes
that talking about it eases my heart.

good night pops...enjoy the cookie.