how much longer momma has with us,
of course.
only God knows.
I would guess a few weeks?
it depends on how fast the cancer grows.
we are not treating it, just a symptom of the brain cancer,
the edema. she takes something for it.
and things for pain as she needs them.
Praise God, the pain has been minimal.
she has always been afraid of the potential pain.
thanksgiving day was bitter sweet.
i fell apart right before going to the farm.
i knew this was
" my last thanksgiving w/my momma."
maybe dad too.
the strong loving arms of my hubby surrounded me
and gave me tender comfort.
mom was struggling a bit with her sentence formation.
kate helped her shower, and mom's mind cleared up a bit.
she ate more food than i anticipated.
as the day wore on, so did momma.
my sister and i got out old photos of mom's family,
we played " who's this person" with our kids.
we would hold up a photo, and they had to guess who it was.
some of their great aunts they could do.
we giggled over pics of my uncle and his various hair styles.
first he looked like sonny bono, then james dean in another.
yes, i know they look different.
so did my uncle!
: )
my folks had a nursing home conversation.
when should she go?
how would daddy do?
they were both protecting each other.
and yet,
mom admits to being scared.
she knows Jesus.
she knows she's going to heaven.
it's just the transition of getting there that causes her anxiety.
the fear of the unknown can be powerful.
at one point in the afternoon she shows me her wedding rings and said, "these are too loose. i'm concerned i might loose them. "
she tries them on her middle finger, they fit.
but it doesn't feel right.
friday, late in the afternoon, she calls to tell me she had daddy
put them away for safe keeping.
i promised to write that down and where.
she felt better knowing i knew.
can't say it makes me feel better.
it's another step in her dying.
i don't like her dying.
but she is ready to go.
she told me several times and in different ways on thursday.
it's okay..... when i think about momma.
it's not okay.... when i think about my heart.
my girls are being troopers.
their hearts are breaking too.
they will miss their grandma dearly.
and they see their momma grieving.
double whammy.
but i feel the same,
i see them grieve,
and I am their momma, and I am supposed to make it better.
"once a momma, always a momma".
however,
i encourage their mourning.
we need to express it.
we are loosing an amazing woman and it hurts.
friday morning i made some calls to hospice.
i had questions,
they had answers.
in speaking w/mom on the phone re: all this
i ask her questions.
she struggles for answers.
i always give her a chance to find the words,
but sometimes after she hesitates so...
i suggest word options.
sometimes i'm right.
sometimes not.
eventually momma said..
" i''m not functioning very well."
" i know momma."
and i want to jump in a car and drive the 1 hours drive
to make it all better.
or at least ease the burden on dad.
but they need this quiet day.
i need the quiet day and time w/my girlies.
but now... i need to set aside MY momma hat
and go back to being a daughter.
and if i could..i'd pack my over nite bag,
hop in a vehicle,
and go over..
right now.
but's it's nearly 3:30 in the morning
and i would just startle my folks coming
in the dark.
besides, i kind a need to wait on rides to and from.
i think i have it figured out for a saturday to sunday stay,
so i'll try to still my anxious heart and wait.
this being torn is just an added challenge to my days.
i want to be home w/my girls,
i want to be at the farm w/my folks.
life has no easy options today.
 |
| smiling momma, nov. 18th |
 |
| mom and i one morning....nov. 15th |
 |
| same morning and she's feeling good |
 | |
| ella, a sweet little friend from church that has loved on momma for 4 years. she wanted to visit mom, when she heard in church mom wasn't doing well. she also brought a picture she colored. nov. 14th |
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| my sister and i, nov. 18th. i'm in a borrowed shirt and have a borrowed ice pack. along w/this blasted sling. sigh.. |
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