head and heart not on the same page

i want to feel good.
i don't want to hurt.
my mind wants good too.
but the heart.
oh the heart has a mind of it's own.

so i'm slogging through the hard part of grief.
the weepy, indecisive, 
don't-remember-like-i-should part.

dreaming weird when i sleep.
ugh. 
the grief bursts on the prowl
and coming often, unexpectedly
as they do.

it will pass in awhile.
when i've shed enough tears
to let go of the heart ache for a bit.
and i will have strength to carry on
until the weepy's return.

yet
i know it will return.
this is what mourning is/does.


currently i am mourning the
loss of my childhood home 
as well as dad dying.
already the inside has changed.
rooms dismantled,
things gone completely.
it no longer feels like home.
it's empty of life.
but not memories.
and those memories right now 
aren't quite as comforting as i would like.

no more family dinners at the big table.
no more watching sunrises, sunsets,
listening to the owls, pheasants and
evening doves.
yes, i can go back. it is still owned by 
my brother. but you see, 
it's not the same. 
when dad died, the life literally and 
figuratively left the home.
it was different after mom died, 
but dad was still there.
now it's just EMPTY.
even with a bit of furniture there.
it "reads" empty. 
and that hurts.

this morning when i wasn't sleeping 
i got a God moment.
i was taking the trash to the curb,
came around the house going down
the driveway and see a little movement 
out of the corner of my eye.
it startles me.
then i see it's a small little cotton tail bunny.
"stupid rabbit" i exclaim.

quickly i realize he was a gift.

i no longer live in the country
but i have a rabbit...a bit of wild life
that shares part of the block with us. 
and i know God just wanted me to be 
reminded of His presence.
thanks be to God.

later reading a devotional thought online
the writer finishes off saying God
calls us daughter.
true. 
and i needed that.
even the grief burst that came
with it recognizing God is calling me daughter. 
some being can and does call me by that name.
oh how i need that. 
thanks be to God.