standing on holy ground

 sometimes i just miss my mom.
on the hour long drive home today 
was one of those times.
the road takes me past the cemetery
where we put her "shell".
i usually drive in, swing past her headstone,
often make a comment, then move on.
which i did today.
i know she's not there, but that's where 
we put her shell, so ..

the radio was playing inspirational hymns and chorus's.
made me think of mom.
mom on earth
and mom in heaven.
she was a grand singer.

but here's the one chorus that took me down
"we are standing...
on holy ground.
for i know that there are angels
all around.
let us praise Jesus now.
for we are standing in his presence
on holy ground."

a few years ago this was played at the 
funeral of a sweet friends mom.
i was so blessed to be in that presence then.
it felt like such an honor to be there.

and the week mom died,
there were times i felt like i was on holy ground
when i was in the room with her.
it was so evident she was talking with God.
i said she had one foot in heaven, and she did.
and then we were on holy ground when 
she slipped away...
so fast we almost missed it.

however, today
when i think about my mom, it's rather
ripping-out-the-heartish. 
i know she's having a blast in heaven.
and for her i am happy.
it's me.
and dad.
and bird.
and all the rest of us.
we miss her.

and wouldn't you know that chorus
was played 2 times in that one hour!
yup. 
2 times to cry and be glad the road wasn't 
full of cars. 

i recently told one of my kids that there 
is no time line on emotional healing.
and there's not.
and last week i told you to talk about 
the people in your life who have died.
talk about them with others who are missing
them.
like my sweet poppa does.

man oh man...
talk about hard.

breath in
breath out.

yes his countenance may crumble,
his eyes may water.
but he will know you have
remembered the love of his life.
because rest assured he does
multiple times a day. 
it doesn't have to be big things.
for example:
today bird offered to put ice in my glass and
how much did i want?
me : "just a few. not like mom, but like dad"
i knew she would know. 
she did.
and we acknowledged our mom's preferences..
such a little thing,
but mom was remembered.

***
we cleaned on the pool today.
we talked of mom. 
how she would do it all by herself often.
bird and i take turns running the vacuum.
mainly because we can. 

we looked at old photos of mom, her folks,
her siblings.
she was such a skinny kid.
i wished she was there to tell us the stories
behind the photos. 

***
she would have been happy to see the
school bus picking up her great grands 
at the farm. 
how many years has it been since that happened?
stories we might have shared as we remembered
our many years of bus riding.
and our folks drove a "bus"for the one room
school we went too.
(it was really a station wagon full of kids)
but the concept was the same and they got paid.

dad, bird and i had talked about that last week,
remembering those years...long ago,
in the late 50's and early 60's. 

i still wish i could call her up to chat.
i can hear her say.."well the big yellow bus
drove up the drive earrrly this morning.
i bet the kids were excited. i prayed for them 
and their day. will be fun to hear about it
sometime." 

my sweet momma.
loved deeply
and often.
oh how blessed we all were.

how blessed heaven is now.
 





 

"with this ring"

summers seem to be full of weddings.
just celebrated a sweet one.
i used to babysit this bride so
she's really special to me.

brown-eyed-handsome-man and i
were planning on making the journey.
then our youngest decided to go too.
they were good friends, so this makes sense.
well it got dad off the hook!
naw... really he had things he needed to attend to,
and working on daughters car was one of them.

seems the bride was pleased her
childhood friend was coming.
when she saw the message i sent
she went wildly running in to share the news.
startled her folks at first until
they realized the excitement was a
good thing and not a crisis.
(weddings can be tricky daze for families)

wow!
that makes a body feel loved.

next week we get to celebrate another wedding.
this long lanky dark haired cowboy is marrying 
his tiny little dark haired beauty.

i like weddings. 
especially when i just get to celebrate.

 

 

 

"be kind to your web-footed friends"

those are words from a silly little song 
my dad used to sing.
it didn't have lots of words,
or he didn't know them anyway.
"be kind to your web-footed friends.
for your friend may be some body's mother." 

i'm reminded of that because of those words
be kind.
tomorrow is my parents wedding anniversary.
they would be celebrating 62 years of commitment
to each other, in sickness and in health, 
and death did part them. 
bleh!

sister-bird and i didn't want to make a fuss
over the day, and weren't sure how to recognize it.
since dad has some dementia i was taking the
easy way and decided not to mention it,
thinking he might forget?
 
stupid.
on my part.

i'm happy to say he did remember!
last tuesday while doing our weekly cleaning,
and time with him we were just hanging out
together.
chatting about different family members and who 
was where, and why.

pretty soon he said " i have a something coming up."
( he didn't forget! i gotta recognize this date) 

i waited a bit to see if he would say more.
he didn't.
"yes, you do pops."
waiting...
he's quiet.
me: "your anniversary is soon."
dad: "yes.... the 17th? "
me:"no"
dad: "oh yeah...the 20th."
me: " yup. how long do you know?"
he shook his head no.
me: " well you got married in 1950, 
and this is 2012." 
and i paused thinking he might pop
out with the answer because he was always doing math 
in his head and telling me ways to do it easier.
but he didn't.
me: " the way i figure it out, that makes it 62 years."
he nods in agreement...
sits quietly for a bit.
then in an emotion packed voice said
"i sure do miss her around here."
he very rarely says things like this.
 wham! 
with both our eyes filling with tears 
i answered.
"me too dad."
okay..let's breath, pause, regroup the heart.
me:" i don't think there's a person
who knew mom who isn't missing her."

and then i mentioned how sometimes
when i sing, especially in church, i can 
hear mom's voice. (we sound very similar)
usually i'm happy to 'hear' her.
sometimes it just makes me weep. 
last sunday was that kind of day.
"Lord lift me up and let me stand.
By faith on heaven's table land.
a higher plane that i have found.
Lord plant my feet on higher ground."
and i thought,
well mom, you certainly are on higher ground
now. and i know you're loving it!
***
friday evening we hosted dad, bird, her hunter hubby,
and my aunt for dinner.
just to get daddy out of the house since
it was extraordinarily quiet on the farm.
he got 'gussied-up'. was wearing church pants,
shirt and shoes. even smelled good.
was cute. 
we did have cake b/c of my brother in law's 
birthday next week. 
so it was a bit of a celebration.
also our youngest daughter was home for a bit.
she really got her grandpa livened up.
his eyes were twinkly, 
he cracked a few funnies,
and gave her a sweet hug and told her he liked her hair.
***
so here's another lesson/reminder in the grief journey.
"be kind to your web-footed friend."
especially if that 'friend' is your lonely
broken-hearted dad. 
and even if it's not your dad.
when someone you loves dies,
there is always the concern that
they will no longer be remembered.
talk about them, 
remember events, even when 
you think it will hurt.
let me tell you,
it's gonna hurt worse if you
don't remember/recognize them.

i knew this.
goodness i've preached it for years.
just gotta practice it more.
we all do.
*************
wanna hear another ditty dad used to sing?
"hair on a ducks back.
quack quack"
 
 ;-)



 




 
 
 

i stayed home....

i stayed home 
in the morning at least.
after my walk with my street walkers.
and after eating breakfast on my patio
 i wandered in and out of those weedy flower beds,
pulling out the offenders. 
watering the parched.
cutting off the dead.
and encouraging them all
in song.

they are partial to 
"you are so beautiful...
to me".

but i cannot possibly 
limit my concert to 
one song.
i sing whatever comes to mind.
and today in the soft cool morning
many songs came to mind.

they even got a bit of
"hey good lookin".

i briefly wondered what it must seem 
like on the other side of my fence
to anyone who passed by.
that crazy lady singing around the yard.
briefly, remember... i wondered.
because i really don't care.

"with a song in my heart"
i honored God who makes those
garden glories,
who also made me.
and mom.
she was a sporadic singer too.

betcha are surprised huh?
hahahhahahahaahaha






 

dear self

you have 3 1/2 months-ish
to figure out just 
WHERE
you stashed those gifts.

you know, the ones you bought early
as Christmas presents.
the ones you thought "i will know where 
they are. i will not misplace them".

and then you had 3 hours notice for
unexpected guests.
sleep-over guests.
people you've never met.
people who should not be 
subjected to your pitiful housekeeping
ways of spare beds. 
people who may not be 
familiar with the 'piling system'
vrs filing system.

so where oh where did 
you stash those gifts? 
where oh where can they be?
they are such lovely things 
and they'll be loved.
especially the one i was 
giving to me.
 

 

not gershwins "summertime"

summertime....
and the living is easy.
(because i never stay home) 

no one's jumpin'
 

and the flower's aren't high.

 

the gardens scraggly..

 

but the dog is happy...

 

 

 so hang on little flowers...

don't you die.

 it's a proven fact flowers require water,

fertilizer,

and not body scorching continual temps. 

considering this summers apathy towards gardening,

the multiple weeks i've wandered about,

it's amazing even this much has survived.

 

Marco????

polo.
nope didn't leave the planet,
still among the living,
 guess I was feeling wordless.

have spent some days in the Rockies being
thankful for green and cooler temps.

have spent some time in my yard trying
to make it green and wishing for cooler temps.

have spent some time reading other blogs and glad
you guys are feeling wordy.

now going to spend some time reading a book,
a rather wordy one, but its what I have,
and hoping to sleep.
.good night marco.