"How are your parents?"

Just one simple question asked of me on Sunday.
Asked by a friend who knows personally the joys and trials of 
elder parent care. 
I looked at her compassionate face
and my emotions went haywire!

As puddles formed in my eyes
with a few escaping I responded
" not good really."
a bit of a pause
"I think I'm going to cry."

We were sitting in our Sunday school class, 
with about a dozen other people.

I shared a bit of the latest adventures I've had with them.
The class listened with love. 
My friend gave words of encouragement.

My mind struggled staying with the lesson 
as I thought on those words.

I really needed to cry. I almost left the room.

No, 
breath deep, 
swallow, 
and casually wipe the stray tears escaping.

Before church service I thanked my friend 
for her encouragement. 
Also shared how I gleaned some wisdom from her words
regarding someone who was attempting to demand
some of my time.
Time I had already said I didn't have to give.
I realized I needed to stand strong. 
Not take on one more project.


My emotional toll is high these days.
sometimes it takes more physical energy to do the 
necessary things. 
I need to protect myself.


I also didn't stay for the worship service.
I went home .
I cried.


It felt good. It released lots of tension.
I wept for the changes I see happening with my parents, 
for the changes we have no control over.
For the loss of "how it used to be"
and how it is now.
For the changes we do have control over,
but tough decisions that are in our near future.


And then I looked across the room and saw a sweet picture.
My aunt who moved to heaven in July.
We recently got some pics of her,
so I put them out to celebrate her life.
However, celebrating was not what I was feeling.
Sorrow. 
I miss her.
I miss the future times I could have had with her.

After about 10 minutes of theraputic tears
I was MUCH better. 

 WEDNESDAY:
I've been with my folks for the past 24 hours.
Mom had appointments and needed a driver.
However, she was extremely weary 
so after the 30 mile drive to those appointments,
I suggested we only do one.


Turns out she couldn't get chemo today due to 
low white cell count.
So we went to the other one.
And we talked long and seriously, 
going and coming.

I asked her
" mom, do you ever cry?"
"Not a lot. I could cry more."

I shared my Sunday experience with her 
and encouraged her to let those emotions go.
We need to allow ourselves to feel them
even when they hurt.

I did see what looked like her wiping her eye a bit later.
But maybe it was the allergies.
or the sunshine in her eyes.


After a long day of supporting my parents,
physically by driving, cooking, shopping, cleaning,
hauling laundry.
And emotionally by listening, sharing, and just chatting about...
not much...actually


I was weary on my hour long drive home tonight.
Had a bit of " I don't know how I can do and be
all I need to be for our kids, my folks, 
community, job, etc. "


I heard a song begin to quietly play in my mind.
It's an old song with some of these words...
"is your burden heavy as you bear it all alone.
does the road you travel harbor dangers yet unknown.
are you growing weary,
in the struggle of it all."

YES, hitting the nail on the head!

" Jesus will help you 
when on his name you call"


I knew that. 
Why once again do I think I'm doing this all 
by myself.


Okay God. go for it.

And I sang that song.
Then another and another
as they popped in to my head.


And I felt better.


Life is not always an easy road.
My mom's cancer will still be there.
Dad's Parkinsons and mild dementia will still be there. 
They will still need the "assisted living" my 
sister and I give them.
But it would be a whole lot worse if 
it weren't for the load bearer.
My shoulders get weary,
so glad God, yours do not. 

awake at 3 a.m.

Sometimes, this is how it is for a mom.

our son is flying to the great northern regions today. 
funny thing,
he was to leave at 3:30 a.m.
headed for the airport.

Guess who woke up at 3?
I've not been feeling anxious about this trip for him.
or me.
but for whatever reason
I'm awake.

Decided it could be God
reminding to pray.
okay.

"Jesus, 
thank you for loving me and my family.  
Your goodness knows no bounds.
Since it seems you've woken me up, I ask you to
wrap your protecting arms around our son, and his driver today.
Keep them safe, making wise choices traveling to the airport, and back for his driver.

I thank you for the invention of planes and qualified pilots.
May they use their God  given talents and arrive at each destination
safely.


God, for the wonder of new places, people and experiences you've given in this life, I thank you. 
Surround our son and those he's in contact with, peace, joy, and a thankful heart. 

I really don't know what else to say,
except thank you for our son. He is a joy and blessing to us.


In your name, 
amen."


okay, 
I think I can sleep now. 
good night. 

he's the wanderer....

have talked with our son,
he's recovering from jet lag,
and
preparing for his next adventure.
Alaska.
off shore Alaska to be precise.
He leaves next week
and will be gone for 4 weeks.

So excited for him.
It's been a long time coming
and long time with out a job,
(thank you economy),
but these days...
his life is brighter. 

which also means our life is brighter.
you know.. the parents heart hurts
when the kids hearts hurt. 

currently all of our kids are
basically content with life.

yippee 
hoorah
but mostly
thank you Jesus.

thank you.

After my last post
I could tell you were praying.

thank you.

I am happy to tell you..

OUR SON HAS LANDED! 
Safe on this sweet American soil. 

He does live 12 hours away, 
so we've not spoken yet,
he sent a text telling us he'd landed.
I know he still had customs to traverse,
and I imagine he'll be weary. 


And it might be awhile before we see him,
but he's home.

thank you friends.
thank you Jesus.

A prayer for peace

Much media focus has been on the September 11th tragedy this week.
I am unable to watch or read about it.
Not that I don't care.
Not that I don't hurt for the many who lost family members.
I do, sincerely. 


I just selfishly don't want to be part of the grieving. 
Realistically who wants their heart torn apart, for years?
No one that I know.

On Sunday, in my early early morning hours our son flies home.
It will be 10 a.m. in Paris when he gets on the plane.
3 a.m. on my clock. 
He and his 7 teammates fly to Houston. 
Lord willing. 

Initially when I knew he was flying home on that day
I was unconcerned.
But this past week with the media hype, I've found anxious 
thoughts attempting to take over my peace.
I want my son to come home, safe and sound. 
I don't want to be anxious about it however.

I will feel much relief when I get that phone call or text
saying " I'm home Mom."


" Dear Jesus,
you know my fears, rational or not. 
they are what they are.
Perhaps I'm not the only anxious person this weekend in the USA.
I ask you to forgive my anxiousness and questioning.
I'm really not enjoying it at all.
Please fill me and us all with peace.
YOUR PERFECT PEACE.
Settle my restless thoughts and quickening heart. 
Help my focus to be positive, 
glass half full, 
content in your plans for our life, and our son's life.
I know the only way to get through hard times 
is hanging on to your hand. 
And really the only hard time I'm having right now is with my doubts and worry of WHAT MIGHT BE. 


May I settle down in to you.
Surround us all with peace.
May your presence be prominent 
and our hearts full of joyous praise. 
In your name,
amen."

Heaven is happier these days.

This summer I've had two very dear ladies change their address.
 My mom's oldest sister "moved" in July. 
My Aunt Marian was a cute, spunky delight.
On a family vacation when I was a girl, my aunt
french-braided my hair.
I hated it.
cried and cried.
No matter how much my mom and aunti said I looked cute..
I wasn't buying it.
Nope,
we had been at the beauty college and obviously I had a different hair-do in mind. At 7 years old that makes sense.

Years later, on one of her visits she was admiring our recently put in patio. My hubby had wanted to use gray and red bricks. 
I did not, but we did it his way. 
I was telling my aunt this and then I said.
" It does look good. I've just not told D. yet."  
She admonished me to do so.
In fact...she forced my hand at it. : )
She was telling him how nice it looked and then said 
"your wife has something to tell you."


I still smile about this to this day. 
She was a good example in many ways, and is certainly being missed by me. 


Another grand lady, my cousin Betty, lives in heaven now, too .
She comes from the other side of my family, Dad's side.
We saw her in June at a family event. 
I had such fun asking her questions regarding the turquoise jewelry she would buy and sell to my dad. She would go down to the reservations and buy directly from the Indians in the 1970's.

I remember wearing lots of the rings when I was in high school. 
In fact still wear them, along with other pieces. 
Our daughter wore one of the necklaces at her wedding this summer. 
My cousin was very pleased to discover this. 

We had a nice visit. Betty was one of those ladies who made you feel good about yourself. 
Always happy to see you, 
interested in your life and kids,
and had a great sense of fun and humor. 


She was diagnosed with cancer a few weeks after we saw her 
and very quickly, cancer won the battle. 
 She too left a big impression on my life.
she too is being missed by me.


My grief over these losses has come in spurts.
Due to distance I was unable to attend memorial services for them.
That kind of delays processing for me I think.
I've found grief sneaking in on me from time to time. 
It does that anyway, but seems to be more so now.


Am working on giving myself grace,
and acknowledge these ladies and losses.


I was blessed to be related to them 
and blessed to have my memories of them.


Will be fun to 'catch up' with them some day,
when I "move" too.
 

overwhelmed

me
I'm overwhelmed with living these days.

Wanting to just sit on the couch and read...
all 
day
long.

Not yet.
maybe tomorrow
...
for a few hours at least.