January 18th, 2012

not a day i've been looking forward to.
one i've know would be here, eventually.
especially in the last 4 1/2 years after momma's 
cancer was found. 


still not looking forward to it.


on the other hand
we have been blessed beyond measure
by the love expressions of food, calls, texts, 
plants, flowers, and the abundant prayers.
keep 'em coming folks.
the prayers for sure. 


the reality of mom not here with us, is a tough one 
to get my mind and heart to accept.
and i imagine it will take quite awhile.
however, in many ways...she's not gone.
i still love her, always will.
we'll still have a relationship,
just different one than we've had before. 


but oh how blessed i've been to be her child.


we are holding the fort. 
we are drawing close as a family.
we are sharing our hearts ache and fun times.


my sunday morning devotions started with this scripture
"A single day in your courts is better than a thousand
anywhere else! I would rather be a gatekeeper in the
house of God than live the good life in the homes of the 
wicked."  Psalm 84:10
God's new gatekeeper is pretty sweet.


i love you momma.

momma would bop us on the head

we viewed momma's 'shell' today.
she looks good. she does.
but let me tell you..she would 
scowl and growl at me to hear me say that.
we've heard for many years.."no open casket.
i don't want people walking up and saying..
oh doesn't she look good. she looks so natural."

we are honoring mom's wishes and viewing is for
family only. but i had to tease my brown eyed handsome man
today when he said "she looks good.!" 

oh my momma...such a character.

so by the grace of Jesus and your loving words 
and prayers...we are holding up. 
for me, the night times seem the hardest.
saturday night when i got back to the farm
i looked at those gorgeous stars and hollared
"goodnight momma!" 
and then i sobbed. tears of healing.

many people have said to me " i know i shouldn't cry."
or "i told her i wouldn't cry, and i am."
my response.." the tears are honoring my momma.
they honor the life she lived. they are tears of value.
it's okay, it's good. " 

and it is. 
one more day to 'get things done'.
on wednesday we let the earth have momma's shell.

shell you might ask. why do i call her body a shell?
because that's what it is. its just the shell that housed
the spirit and essence of my momma. 
i think of it kind of like a turtle.
when i left the care home on saturday evening, 
i leaned over saying " goodbye momma's shell."
and gave it a kiss.

i like to think of her in heaven
praising God, rocking the babies, 
seeing her family and having a grand time.
 
 

Sunday the 15th

My sweet momma watched the sun rise with Jesus today.
Saturday evening her weary body waited until her oldest grand-daughter arrived. She got a kiss from her, took one last breath,
and slipped away.

Yes, our hearts are breaking, but we know
momma is in a much better place.

prayers for my daddy are more than 
welcome...it's not an easy road for him.

busy days for me and sister-bird.

wednesday nite...from my journal

due to mom's anxiety and comments from our
hospice nurse, i went over around 9 pm.
journal in italics
'mom's chatty--talks loud.
for awhile it was important to 
'take care of my daughters'.
then we had a round of her saying
'she needed me!'

it's quiet, we are hoping mom will
settle down and sleep. also that her roommate
Ruby will too. she hears us in the room and wants 
her share of our attention. 
we only have half of the room to use so we sit
in any available seat. sister-bird is using mom's electric
wheelchair. it makes a beep sound when turned on or off.


bird backs up the wheelchair and mom said
'she tried to sneak out!"

ruby talks and talks,
mom said.."i'll take ruby."

just when we would think mom was sleeping
she would talk again. 
11;15 pm. mom is not talkative- she's settling down more. 
i think the ativan is working.
'we need to raise her head.'
repeated..so we offer to adjust it.
that's tricky and we are given exact instructions. 
11:20 dad's been dozing for 30 minutes, as he sits right
beside her bed. she points at dad " he's here!"
'yes he is ' we reply, continueing..'thats kind of nice.'
she smiled and answered, 'yes it is.'

sister-bird and i sing some hymns. she likes it and
calms down. dad asks for his song. I'll fly away.
he said we hadn't sung it yet. i said he hadn't requested it.
we laughed and laughed. and then sang it. when we finished
mom said 'sing it again.' we do. 
also sang It is well with my soul.
when we are done she comments, 'we are making progress'.

it's quiet in the room for a bit. i think she's sleeping until she speaks
'DADGUMMIT! I CAN STILL SEE YOU!!!"
and that's bad?
"you know why it is."
yes we do.  
she is trying so hard to die. honest.
12:30 a.m bird goes to lay down and sleep.
mom is calmer, less chatty.

many times in the whole night she has said' dont leave!'
finally i ask, "what will happen if we do?'
she sighs..and replys,'Janet, you are so smart!"
30 minutes later someone moves in the room
"don't leave!"
"what will happen if we do?"
"you asked that once!"
"well, you didn't answer"
she never does. 
another time when we move, get scolded for doing so.
i repeat the question.
"now that's 3 times you've asked that" and her voice
is firm and rather scoldy.
"well mom, you've not answered me yet."
"humph" is the only response we get.


ruby, laying in her bed.."i am hungry."
repeatedly over and louder when she gets no reply from us.
eventually mom said" it's too bad that you can't get your
schedule just right"
ruby repeats, mom said
"lets get your schedule right!"


they begin to feed off each others angst.
much sighing and no one settling down.
i get the aides and they take ruby out and feed her.
eventually putting her in another room for the remainder 
of the night. we all do better after that. 


it's more of the same. mom will say "WATER!"
you give her some, she keeps holding on to the straw.
if you attempt to pull away, because she's no longer drinking
" NOT YET!"  i think she's just checking to see if we are here, or she's trying to choke herself to death. drinking is hard for her.


many times she has accused us " Liar." 
we aren't. 


"ahh sheet!. oh shoot!"
she takes the oxygen off
" i can't get it right!"
but she settles down and i eventually get about 45 minutes of sleep.
after discussion with dad and bird, i decide to head to the farm
for a nap. 
"mom, i'm going to the farm and nap. i'll be back later."
"you liar, you won't either."
i sigh,, "mom you've called me a liar all night. we've not 
lied yet, and i'm still not. " 
and i walk out the door.
she's fine. this i do know.
 

momma speaks

here's the scene; 
very quiet care home room,
voices from other residents in the hall.
me, dad, mom, hanging out in her room.
mom is resting in her bed, eyes closed.
and she speaks.
mom " i think she's ready."
long pause
me "who is ready?"
and this is repeated a few more times.
mom, "I think she's ready for her continuing life"
once again, it's repeated.


now i'm puzzling over who "she " is.
mom? or the lady who's voice we hear in the hall,
so i ask her.
mom replied, " could be."
me, "or you"
quiet
mom, " i think she's ready."
pause, then she grimaces and i wonder if she has pain.


several minutes pass then she speaks again
"no, i don't think she is."


so i ask the who and ready for what?
mom doesn't answer that. 
i wait awhile longer and say
"we no longer hear the lady in the hall."
mom, "no, we don't."
pause for minutes.
mom, " i wish she was ready. I really do."
then she has quiet movements, her hands
moving about the covers on her chest. 
mom, "no..... she's not."
me, " okay she doesn't have to be."
mom, "no she doesn't."


now my mind has been jumping all over this 
planet and universe with questions and thoughts.


a song about heaven comes to mind and i begin
to quietly hum it. mom's senses are heightened 
tremendously so she hears me. smiles sweetly "umhum"
long pause,
mom, "she's not ready to go home."
me,  "who's telling her that?"
mom, "she is."


restlessness continues, hands up to the chest,
back down. 
daddy is dozing in the chair so i don't know if
he heard any of that. 


as we move about the room, not making
a sound, mom asks,"who was that?"
earlier my arm was close to her face,
"oh that smells nice".
musta been my lotion.


she was alone when i arrived.
i watched her chest for breaths.
they are slow, often long pauses,
but she's breathing.
i take a step in the room,
her eyes open.
"hello daugh.."
eyes close.
"hi, momma."

she adjusts her hat over the right ear.
i try to assist. that's fine. 
we get it fixed right.
she goes back to where ever she had been.
i sit down, am reading.
she speaks,
"hatzok?"
"what"
then firmer, clearer,
"hats okay?"
"yes."


i marvel at her and can see her switching between
earthly time and heavenly time. 
it's very apparent to me. 
her heavenly time has a soft gentle breeze voice
that sounds sweet, peaceful.
the earthly voice is stronger, deeper, and sometimes
fearful-ish.


this whole process leaves me open mouthed 
in amazement. i cannot get enough of it.
no sadness on my part.
just thankfulness to be witnessing it all.
just like the process of being born takes awhile
the process of dying does too. 
anyway it is for my momma. 


doctor and therapy appointments 
are keeping me busy today.
but i will go back tomorrow.
stay until i feel i can or want to leave.


daddy told me about lunch time today
momma wanted to get out of bed.
okay...why not?
her sister should be visiting today, too.


join me in celebrating this event.
sister-bird and i view it that way 
and feel blessed to participate as little as we can.


i took this pic of my folks last night.

blown away...completely

spent time w/my favorite momma today.
also spent time with sister bird and a caring
hospice social worker, named Glenda.
she gave us over an hour of guidance and ways 
we can help mom as she continues her journey.


such good info...
more on that later.


when it was just daddy, mom and me 
in the room she began to talk. 
here's just one of the several things she said..
mom. "how are they doing that?"
me. "what are they doing?"
mom. "praying for me."
me, "yes they are. who is mom, aides or angels"
mom, " i think it's angels."
me, " that amazing!"
mom, "yes it is."

she gets quiet again for several minutes then said to daddy
"everett, we need to pray for them."
me, "who mom, the aide or the angels?"
she, "both."


so i hold my parents hands and pray. 
we pray for all the residents, staff, aides
and for restful sleep for them all.
we thank God for his protection to us as
we've put many miles on the road and for safety.
i thank him for Godly parents.


fast forward an hour or so.
mom.,"was it just u and me?"



me, "where"
mom, " u and me and a boy name sue."
i just chuckle

pretty soon she goes back to that question.
"was it just u and me praying in heaven?"
me,"no momma, daddy was with us."
mom, " oh good."


she rarely opens her eyes yet
there is much expression in her face.
she makes noises, or says words,
"okay." " ahh" . "unhum"
her hands are restless, she puts her left arm 
in the air, waves it a bit. does it again later, same movements.
i know she doing something for sure, 
but i don't know what.
and thats okay.
this time is between her and God.
she's got business to take care of and He's not 
ready for her yet.


for me to be observing parts of this process...
BEYOND WOW!. 
such a gift...

i am weary so will share more conversations
another time. 

i didn't tell 'the whole truth'

my Christmas day post said
"i only cried once."
that really wasn't completely true.
i opened an unexpected gift,
( i love being surprised with a gift
okay. one i like anyway.)
my loving niece-in-love gave me a picture.

 oh pooh, i thought i had it straight.
oh well, turn your head. :)


anyway.... i opened this, amazement
and wonder filled my mind 
while tears filled my eyes. 
she's a faithful reader of my ramblings 
here.
also a faithful support person too,
which is evident by this pic.
thankyou so much Miss Professor G.
(does this make u mpg? probably)

here's the topper to this tho.
MPG has researched and shared in her blog

'taste and see' some good thoughts and scriptures.
let me tell you it was a gift of sacrifice.
she's one busy lady, finishing up her thesis,
raising my adorable great nephew, loving
my nephew, teaching, and this week 
enjoying her parents. 
i tried to link it up, wasn't successful.
google it. that might work.




on another note, as i was driving home yesterday
i heard a praise chorus on the radio.
it was one of those "holy holy holy" ones.
i joined in singing, ended up croaking it out.
my heart was filled to amazement at the reality 
of how my mom will soon be singing that with the angels.
i mean.."i know someone who will soon be in heaven"
she will see those streets of gold, 
she will chat with God,
sing with the angels,
WOW
is that not enough to blow your mind?
i sang as loud as my heart had the need to.

and then of course i cried.
not those gentle tears escaping ones.
nope..this was an all out wail 
and keening type of cry.  
it needed expressed. 

and i talked to momma.
told her i love her, would miss her,
but happy for her to get to soon be
singing in God's presence.

and then i talked to God.
He agreed to sit beside me in the car.
i didn't even have to move the stuff off the
passenger seat. He fit just fine. 
and we finished the drive home together.  

and that is the whole truth.