wednesday nite...from my journal

due to mom's anxiety and comments from our
hospice nurse, i went over around 9 pm.
journal in italics
'mom's chatty--talks loud.
for awhile it was important to 
'take care of my daughters'.
then we had a round of her saying
'she needed me!'

it's quiet, we are hoping mom will
settle down and sleep. also that her roommate
Ruby will too. she hears us in the room and wants 
her share of our attention. 
we only have half of the room to use so we sit
in any available seat. sister-bird is using mom's electric
wheelchair. it makes a beep sound when turned on or off.


bird backs up the wheelchair and mom said
'she tried to sneak out!"

ruby talks and talks,
mom said.."i'll take ruby."

just when we would think mom was sleeping
she would talk again. 
11;15 pm. mom is not talkative- she's settling down more. 
i think the ativan is working.
'we need to raise her head.'
repeated..so we offer to adjust it.
that's tricky and we are given exact instructions. 
11:20 dad's been dozing for 30 minutes, as he sits right
beside her bed. she points at dad " he's here!"
'yes he is ' we reply, continueing..'thats kind of nice.'
she smiled and answered, 'yes it is.'

sister-bird and i sing some hymns. she likes it and
calms down. dad asks for his song. I'll fly away.
he said we hadn't sung it yet. i said he hadn't requested it.
we laughed and laughed. and then sang it. when we finished
mom said 'sing it again.' we do. 
also sang It is well with my soul.
when we are done she comments, 'we are making progress'.

it's quiet in the room for a bit. i think she's sleeping until she speaks
'DADGUMMIT! I CAN STILL SEE YOU!!!"
and that's bad?
"you know why it is."
yes we do.  
she is trying so hard to die. honest.
12:30 a.m bird goes to lay down and sleep.
mom is calmer, less chatty.

many times in the whole night she has said' dont leave!'
finally i ask, "what will happen if we do?'
she sighs..and replys,'Janet, you are so smart!"
30 minutes later someone moves in the room
"don't leave!"
"what will happen if we do?"
"you asked that once!"
"well, you didn't answer"
she never does. 
another time when we move, get scolded for doing so.
i repeat the question.
"now that's 3 times you've asked that" and her voice
is firm and rather scoldy.
"well mom, you've not answered me yet."
"humph" is the only response we get.


ruby, laying in her bed.."i am hungry."
repeatedly over and louder when she gets no reply from us.
eventually mom said" it's too bad that you can't get your
schedule just right"
ruby repeats, mom said
"lets get your schedule right!"


they begin to feed off each others angst.
much sighing and no one settling down.
i get the aides and they take ruby out and feed her.
eventually putting her in another room for the remainder 
of the night. we all do better after that. 


it's more of the same. mom will say "WATER!"
you give her some, she keeps holding on to the straw.
if you attempt to pull away, because she's no longer drinking
" NOT YET!"  i think she's just checking to see if we are here, or she's trying to choke herself to death. drinking is hard for her.


many times she has accused us " Liar." 
we aren't. 


"ahh sheet!. oh shoot!"
she takes the oxygen off
" i can't get it right!"
but she settles down and i eventually get about 45 minutes of sleep.
after discussion with dad and bird, i decide to head to the farm
for a nap. 
"mom, i'm going to the farm and nap. i'll be back later."
"you liar, you won't either."
i sigh,, "mom you've called me a liar all night. we've not 
lied yet, and i'm still not. " 
and i walk out the door.
she's fine. this i do know.