extremes

on sunday i had polar opposite emotions.
i laughed and laughed in afternoon.
local community men were dressed up as women
playing a fund raiser basketball game. 
wigs, skirts, make-up, and some other feminine traits.
it was really funny.
i liked laughing.

later after watching the current episode 
of masterpiece theaters downton abbey in which
one of the characters died, i cried.
okay,  i really did more than that.
brown-eyed-handsome-man held me, 
cried along with me, 
while my broken heart released a torrent of pain.
bleh.
i just don't like this. 

the cost of loving someone is high.
it's worth it, but it's still high.
after chatting with bird for 2 hours,
bride-daughter for 3 hours,
and teacher-daughter for 1 hour
this weekend, i found a similarity.
we all have been angry. 
angry mom is gone.
angry others have survived cancer but she did not.
angry we've been left to deal with the aftermath
of to-dos...
and there she is having a grand time in heaven. 


i know..it's all part of the journey.
i've had other journeys i preferred however.

in the past several days i've given myself a sense of normal.
it felt good to do things i used to do.
i needed to feel like life was okay, normal?
today, not so much,
i really don't want to feel anything at all.
that's not working out either.
bleh,
leave me be, 
but don't stop praying for all of us.