"okay mom, i just don't want this"

i was sitting at my desk, 
there off to the side is the celebration service folder
that has a beautiful smiling picture of momma
on it. bleh.
although it's a gorgeous picture.
i didn't want to see it right that minute
and i told her that.
then i turned the stack upside-down. 
i was not feeling smiley. 

other times it gives me joy and comfort to see it. 
dad has several sitting about his house. 

ahhh.... the journey of grief. 
bleh.

sister-bird and i spent the night on the farm with dad,
cooked and ate meals with him.
wrote a zillion thank-yous while
dad wandered about the rooms or napped. 


we even found a few things to giggle over.
the three of us sat at the bar for meals
just like the 5 of us used to do. 
dad said " I wonder what mom's having
for breakfast." 
we decided it was grapefruit.

there is a new 'pet' on the farm.
we're calling him Peppy 'le Pew.
he wanders out in the morning and
evening for the cat food dad puts out,
ironically, for the cats...not Peppy.
he did make an appearance last wednesday
evening when lots of  family was visiting us. 
sigh
someday his life will be shortened.
soon hopefully. 


sister-bird and i folded up a huge heavy
king-sized gorgeous quilted bedspread.
it took both of us to do it, then 
she waddled down the hall to put it away.
(remember she's small in stature and it's heavy)
dad watched her go, grinned,
then mumbled "i don't know about u two."

last week when we both were literally
loosing items in the shuffle of plans and 
such, dad said to me " your sister can't find 
her glasses, you can't find your paper..."
i giggled and asked "i know pops, what 
are you gonna do with us?"
" keep you."
ah sweetness.

later as we loaded up our jammies and such
our hearts break to leave him.
these are HARD HARD days for all of, but 
certainly for dad. 
with a quiver in his voice, chin tucked down
he quietly said, "thanks for all you did.
mom would have been proud of you girls."
i hugged him saying, "dad, you both did 
a good job raising us. thank you."

and because our hearts just can't stand him alone,
we promised to be back over on friday for 
lunch, cookie baking, sheet washing and 
maybe we'll toss in some vacuuming
just for extra fun!