vitals

am at the care home when vital check happens.
they are- b/p 140/89,
oxy, 100, pulse 77, temp. 97.

i have my own set of vitals for her.
at 12:30 noon when i arrive mom is perky,
more chatty, feeling pretty good.
dad and my brother are there causing 
me to think "good, she's gonna hang
around awhile."

i take daddy to lunch and to get his groceries. 
encouraging him to go home and rest.
when we get back my Auntie is there.
tears apparent, mom is still,very quiet in voice
and body. 
what happened?
she was perky an hour ago.
this finds me attempting to help all in the room,
we get daddy to head home and i 
promise my aunt some time to process
about her time w/momma.
she just needs to release her tears,
talk about her fears,
and get a hug. 
it's not an easy journey for any.


soon it's just me and momma.
i ask if she wants to chat or rest?
"rest". i head to the recliner.
she begins to talk. :)
"we were right."
ok. then she talks a bit about
a conversation she and i had on thursday.
bits and pieces of it, with as much clarity 
as she can. and at times thats not much. 
she smiles, looks into my eyes while 
reaching out.  we end up holding hands
each stroking the others skin with our thumbs.
a gift for me. such a blessed gift.


daddy didn't stay home long.
he arrives and i get him to sit in the recliner.
i've journaled these words
here i sit holding moms hand while she rests.
she's on my left, daddy's reclined and resting
on my right. such a place of ----blessing for me.
a sacred time. keep wishing for sister bird to be 
sharing in this.

after 20 minutes or so momma quietly speaks.
"do you think grandpa knows i need him?"
to which daddy replys
"i need her too."
and i chimed in
"yes, he's sitting here in the recliner"

her closed eye face smiles gently when she said
" i  mean my granpa. grandpa phillip."


"yes, he's probably waiting on you."
we discuss how he won't be hindered
by the injured hip and how he's getting the cards
out ready for a game.
'hi low, jick, jack, joker, game. '
5 point pitch daddy said.


mom talks weak-ish, but when i ask
for understanding of those words, she talks stronger.
makes me wonder if her weakness is a choice she's making.
i know she just wants to 'slip-away' like miss sarah did. 
what an honor that would be for me to be present
when the angels fill the room,escorting her home.


there are scripture posters on her wall.
so i begin to sing them,
"they that wait upon the Lord, will renew
their strength. they shall mount up with wings
like eagles. they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint. teach me Lord,
teach me Lord, to wait."
momma's soft voice and thin lips join in with her
eyes closed. i sing and watch her as she mouths 
the words, once in awhile she's lets one escape into sound. 


and then another song
'heaven ,is, a wonderful place,
filled with glory and grace
i want to see my saviors face
cause heaven is a wonderful place.'

she's really not eating. picked
at breakfast, refused lunch. 
i remember the hospice pamphlet
said it might be that way at the end.
interest and desire for food leaves.

however when offered some of my
home-made blueberry muffins daddy got 
her to eat a blueberry. then we offered another.
"oh, okay." 
we picked all those washington blueberries
from our muffins, gently laying them on 
her tongue. like a baby bird she gobbled them up!

she had been taking mouse nibbles of her 
peppermint taffy. also managed a cracker
and small part of a brownie for supper.
her tummy is noisy. i said
"mom it sounds like a thunder storm in there"
"it does doesn't it."


she had flickers of pain,
you can see them when she grimaces.
one time she said to me
"did u see that? that indicates pain."
"yes, i did. where does it hurt?"
her tummy. we think maybe gas pains
because it comes and goes swiftly.

by evening her swelling has decreased tremendously.
she is no longer puffy, but i can really see the
difference in her feet and very thankful.


i tell both folks about my plans to visit our youngest.
mom replied,"good idea." 
i ask if she'll be here when i get back.
"oh,... somebody will be here."
i chuckle saying, "don't wait on me"
"okay."


daddy thought it a good idea too but
he said," go, but be prepared to be flexible."
"yes daddy, i will."
then he hesitantly asks
"how do you think she's doing?"


i weigh my answer because truthfully
i think she has one foot in heavens door...
but not sure how daddy will respond.
"well..she's quieter."
then i jump in tenderly,
"she's ready to see heaven daddy."
"yes, she is"


pretty soon he asks me
"does she ever talk to you about taking care of me?"


oh boy.
"yes pops, we've discussed it for a few years. i assure her
we'll do the best we can. we won't stop coming over.
sometimes bird will get you and bring u to my for home supper,
and sometimes we'll take u to birds."
he nodded.
we talk about how it won't be easy on any of us.
we will miss momma dearly.
but...this is how life works.


one time when it was just momma and me she
looked directly in my eyes,
"you will be strong." 
"yes, i will. you raised me to be a strong woman."
she nods, seems comforted.


the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Miss Professor G...have you figured 
out yet what the JOY is? 


now i must lay back down.
i have a 5 hour journey ahead today.
planned anyway.