we sing Because He Lives,
so much truth in that.
i whisper to my aunt at songs end
" because He lives, we can make it through today."
we sang " Christ arose"
the words so fitting as i know mom
is rejoicing in heaven.
she has been for 12 weeks.
bird, her hubby-the-hunter, dad and
my nephew arrive for lunch.
they had gone to church elsewhere.
dad looks so handsome in his grape colored
dress shirt.
even though his pants are baggy to the point of
ridiculousness, he looks handsome.
his face is peaceful.
i am so thankful.
we're gonna do this.
we can make it through this first
holiday with out momma.
dinner is good.
hearts are okay.
kitchen cleaning happens.
(thanks always for your help bird.)
so far so good.
we are all outside enjoying the warm sunshine.
tossing balls to our dog patches.
we get weary of the game before she does, of course.
eventually the hunter hands her a stick.
now patches has never ever shown interest in stick fetching.
she's always looked at us like "really? a stick?"
but, she's given in and takes whatever bit of
attention she can get.
bird tosses it a few times.
patch returns it.
kind of
she finds a bigger one.
this stick is so long she looks like
a lopsided, one antlered deer!
she is prancing about, pleased as punch
with herself.
we are all laughing.
she is so funny with it.
even daddy has chuckles and a big grin.
oh man!!
that does my heart grand.
dad is having joy.
yeah!!
thanks God for joy in a dogs antics.
(mom liked dogs)
***
later, bird, hunter, and dad stop
at the cemetery on the way home.
dad gets emotional as they take him to his car.
bird gets emotional later.
i finally give in to the sobs that need released.
we don't really want to feel like this.
it just happens.
once again,
the cost of loving deeply.
the cost of being loved deeply.
love...
it does lead us to this
"holy holy holy.
is the Lord God Almighty.
who was and is and is to come.
with all creation i sing
praise to the king of kings.
You are my everything
and i will adore You."
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Monday, April 9, 2012
Revelation Song and memories, part 1
it was 6 short days before momma died.
i was on a 5 hour journey headed back home
after a brief visit with our youngest.
my heart was in turmoil over mom.
that praise chorus came on the radio.
it hit me right in my heart
" mom will soon be singing this in heaven!"
WOW.
i couldn't not sing it.
with tears streaming down my face i
croaked the words out in praise.
but ... oh how my broken heart bled.
i talked to momma,
i talked to Jesus.
He rode along with me the rest of the way home.
later when i tried to remember which
'holy holy holy' song it was..
my mind was BLANK.
no song recall at all.
i googled a few chorus's.
i hunted in a few hymnals.
nope, nothing, nada.
***
earlier this month a small choir
from a bible college shared at our church.
words of heaven, love, joy, peace ministered to
my wounded heart.
and then... the ladies began to sing this song.
YES!!
this was it!
this was "my" holy holy holy song.
i quickly wrote down enough of the words
so i would remember it this time.
and i've been singing it since then.
with joy and thankfulness my heart
rejoiced in these words and knowledge
of the reassurance of heaven for all of us.
***
Easter sunrise service,
peace and beauty at the lake with other believers.
a good friend tenderly asks how i am.
"i'm fine. really. i just have joy and thankfulness in
my heart for the resurrection. i'm really okay."
she kept looking intently in my eyes.
four hours later we sat in worship service,
her family in the pew in front of me,
we begin singing the first hymn.
and it hits me.
wham, deep in my heart,
this is the first time in more years than i can
remember my folks are not in the pew with me on
Easter sunday.
i cannot sing.
tears racing down my face.
i want to grab my friends hand and whisper in her ear
"okay, it's hit me. i'm falling apart".
we have greeting time after the hymn.
she turns around, sees my face,
i tell her " i'm down."
a tender hug follows words of love.
i breath deep and move on.
there is a little boy, he's 8, he used to
attend our church, but they moved.
he was visiting his grandparents.
he and i had a grinning-at-each-other
relationship,
i always talked with him.
he always grinned shyly at me.
and yesterday he's standing in the aisle
looking at me shyly again.
i greet him with a back pat and inquiries
as to how old he is, "my aren't you tall".
and i know God has given me this little bit of grace.
i can love on this blond haired bit of orneriness
and think of mom and her gift of love to all,
especially children.
God knew i needed that.
then i find friends who i know will hound heaven
with immediate prayers for my still-weeping heart.
i am blessed with more hugs and affirming words.
back to my pew.
we return to worship...
and i feel a gentle nudge on my arm.
my aunt, mom's sister, has come to church!
it's almost like having momma beside me.
so there we sit.
our minds overwhelmed with memories
of Easters past, all together as a family in church.
two women with wounded hearts
and leaky eyes,
but determination to "do this".
our first holiday with out that vital
energetic and loving woman beside us.
i was on a 5 hour journey headed back home
after a brief visit with our youngest.
my heart was in turmoil over mom.
that praise chorus came on the radio.
it hit me right in my heart
" mom will soon be singing this in heaven!"
WOW.
i couldn't not sing it.
with tears streaming down my face i
croaked the words out in praise.
but ... oh how my broken heart bled.
i talked to momma,
i talked to Jesus.
He rode along with me the rest of the way home.
later when i tried to remember which
'holy holy holy' song it was..
my mind was BLANK.
no song recall at all.
i googled a few chorus's.
i hunted in a few hymnals.
nope, nothing, nada.
***
earlier this month a small choir
from a bible college shared at our church.
words of heaven, love, joy, peace ministered to
my wounded heart.
and then... the ladies began to sing this song.
YES!!
this was it!
this was "my" holy holy holy song.
i quickly wrote down enough of the words
so i would remember it this time.
and i've been singing it since then.
with joy and thankfulness my heart
rejoiced in these words and knowledge
of the reassurance of heaven for all of us.
***
Easter sunrise service,
peace and beauty at the lake with other believers.
a good friend tenderly asks how i am.
"i'm fine. really. i just have joy and thankfulness in
my heart for the resurrection. i'm really okay."
she kept looking intently in my eyes.
four hours later we sat in worship service,
her family in the pew in front of me,
we begin singing the first hymn.
and it hits me.
wham, deep in my heart,
this is the first time in more years than i can
remember my folks are not in the pew with me on
Easter sunday.
i cannot sing.
tears racing down my face.
i want to grab my friends hand and whisper in her ear
"okay, it's hit me. i'm falling apart".
we have greeting time after the hymn.
she turns around, sees my face,
i tell her " i'm down."
a tender hug follows words of love.
i breath deep and move on.
there is a little boy, he's 8, he used to
attend our church, but they moved.
he was visiting his grandparents.
he and i had a grinning-at-each-other
relationship,
i always talked with him.
he always grinned shyly at me.
and yesterday he's standing in the aisle
looking at me shyly again.
i greet him with a back pat and inquiries
as to how old he is, "my aren't you tall".
and i know God has given me this little bit of grace.
i can love on this blond haired bit of orneriness
and think of mom and her gift of love to all,
especially children.
God knew i needed that.
then i find friends who i know will hound heaven
with immediate prayers for my still-weeping heart.
i am blessed with more hugs and affirming words.
back to my pew.
we return to worship...
and i feel a gentle nudge on my arm.
my aunt, mom's sister, has come to church!
it's almost like having momma beside me.
so there we sit.
our minds overwhelmed with memories
of Easters past, all together as a family in church.
two women with wounded hearts
and leaky eyes,
but determination to "do this".
our first holiday with out that vital
energetic and loving woman beside us.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
dancing
bird and i were standing at mom's grave,
on the granite slab,
amidst the puddles of rain,
dirt, and grass.
grass that has begun to grow on the broken brown
soil.
tender little green shoots stretching their way to cover
the brokenness.
and in some ways i wanted to dance.
just do a little soft shoe shuffle on that granite slab.
and then finish off with a fast toe-tapping rhythm.
why?
because....
i have hope.
"my hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus blood and righteousness,
i dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly lean on Jesus name.
ON CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK I STAND
all other ground is sinking sand.
all other ground is sinking sand."
and the reward..
"when He shall come with trumpet sound
oh may i then in Him be found.
dressed in His righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne.
ON CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK I STAND
all other ground is sinking sand.
all other ground is sinking sand. "
i have hope
yes, my heart misses my mom.
yes, most likely i will shed tears of loss this weekend.
i don't anticipate sunday being tear-free.
but
i have hope.
i know for certain
because of that cross
because of that broken body
BECAUSE OF THAT RESURRECTION
i will see mom again.
my heart is slowly growing new sprouts of peace,
just like the grass that covers the grave where we
put mom's shell.
she is not there.
she is rejoicing in heaven with Jesus and many others.
that gives me reason to dance.
i can visualize bird, me, others, dancing in joy.
and mom wouldn't mind one bit if we were dancing
on her grave.
honest.
on the granite slab,
amidst the puddles of rain,
dirt, and grass.
grass that has begun to grow on the broken brown
soil.
tender little green shoots stretching their way to cover
the brokenness.
and in some ways i wanted to dance.
just do a little soft shoe shuffle on that granite slab.
and then finish off with a fast toe-tapping rhythm.
why?
because....
i have hope.
"my hope is built on nothing less
than Jesus blood and righteousness,
i dare not trust the sweetest frame
but wholly lean on Jesus name.
ON CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK I STAND
all other ground is sinking sand.
all other ground is sinking sand."
and the reward..
"when He shall come with trumpet sound
oh may i then in Him be found.
dressed in His righteousness alone,
faultless to stand before the throne.
ON CHRIST THE SOLID ROCK I STAND
all other ground is sinking sand.
all other ground is sinking sand. "
i have hope
yes, my heart misses my mom.
yes, most likely i will shed tears of loss this weekend.
i don't anticipate sunday being tear-free.
but
i have hope.
i know for certain
because of that cross
because of that broken body
BECAUSE OF THAT RESURRECTION
i will see mom again.
my heart is slowly growing new sprouts of peace,
just like the grass that covers the grave where we
put mom's shell.
she is not there.
she is rejoicing in heaven with Jesus and many others.
that gives me reason to dance.
i can visualize bird, me, others, dancing in joy.
and mom wouldn't mind one bit if we were dancing
on her grave.
honest.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
27 tulips
bird and i met up yesterday for some farm business.
then some dad business.
his cardiologist said "you're doing great for 62!"
he's only off by .... 21 years.
so he's doing great.
we dined.
dined?
can you call it dining when it's at the local mom and pop?
aren't you just eatin'?
next stop.. a trip to the farm.
it was a slippery, slidey, ooey gooey trip.
we have been blessed with rain.
i know...wow right?
pops said he had gotten an inch!
but it kept raining.
so, even though we planned to bake cookies,
do some cleaning, etc.
we didn't.
knowing the roads were only getting worse
and my little pony-car has no weight,
lingering didn't happen on the farm.
we did the necessities, bills, mail,
kitchen cleaned and a pot roast in oven.
however, we did take a few minutes to gaze
out the windows at the glorious scenes.
GREEN, GREEN, GREEN.
yeah GOD!!!
out the front window where mom always
has spring bloomers we noticed the flowers
were missing.
dad assured us before the rain and wind,
he had tulips.
lots
in fact...there were 27.
that makes me smile.
he counted them.
***
we cut some of moms lilacs and headed back to town
with a planned stop at the cemetery.
it was drizzly, so we stayed out of our cars only long
enough to stuff the lilac branches in the ground,
and chat a bit.
all the while standing on the granite slab, that is the base
for their headstone.
then bird wondered where a cousins grave was.
so we hopped in her car and perused the cemetery.
found the cousin and other relatives
plus lots of people from our childhood years.
we spent nearly an hour just driving around there.
yes i know.
may seem odd to you.
but ...well..
it wasn't to us.
when she dropped me back at my car we giggled
about our 'drive.'
bird said " i guess as you get older your idea of fun changes."
regardless....
it was nice to be together.
it was also nice because mom's sister had put some
purple tulips in the ground on moms grave.
made bird and i feel good.
it was cheerful to see these reminders of
our mom...the proverbial flower lady.
i imagine those 27 tulips did the same thing for pops.
a sweet reminder of the fun-loving-flower-girl he married.
then some dad business.
his cardiologist said "you're doing great for 62!"
he's only off by .... 21 years.
so he's doing great.
we dined.
dined?
can you call it dining when it's at the local mom and pop?
aren't you just eatin'?
next stop.. a trip to the farm.
it was a slippery, slidey, ooey gooey trip.
we have been blessed with rain.
i know...wow right?
pops said he had gotten an inch!
but it kept raining.
so, even though we planned to bake cookies,
do some cleaning, etc.
we didn't.
knowing the roads were only getting worse
and my little pony-car has no weight,
lingering didn't happen on the farm.
we did the necessities, bills, mail,
kitchen cleaned and a pot roast in oven.
however, we did take a few minutes to gaze
out the windows at the glorious scenes.
GREEN, GREEN, GREEN.
yeah GOD!!!
out the front window where mom always
has spring bloomers we noticed the flowers
were missing.
dad assured us before the rain and wind,
he had tulips.
lots
in fact...there were 27.
that makes me smile.
he counted them.
***
we cut some of moms lilacs and headed back to town
with a planned stop at the cemetery.
it was drizzly, so we stayed out of our cars only long
enough to stuff the lilac branches in the ground,
and chat a bit.
all the while standing on the granite slab, that is the base
for their headstone.
then bird wondered where a cousins grave was.
so we hopped in her car and perused the cemetery.
found the cousin and other relatives
plus lots of people from our childhood years.
we spent nearly an hour just driving around there.
yes i know.
may seem odd to you.
but ...well..
it wasn't to us.
when she dropped me back at my car we giggled
about our 'drive.'
bird said " i guess as you get older your idea of fun changes."
regardless....
it was nice to be together.
it was also nice because mom's sister had put some
purple tulips in the ground on moms grave.
made bird and i feel good.
it was cheerful to see these reminders of
our mom...the proverbial flower lady.
i imagine those 27 tulips did the same thing for pops.
a sweet reminder of the fun-loving-flower-girl he married.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
weary
sometimes i just get weary of grief bursts.
i just get weary of missing mom.
the fact that tears can be just 'right there'
often, is exhausting.
after writing the post about mom and the jayhawks,
i had a grief burst.
didn't really want to. didn't want to have to
sit here at the computer and cry.
but..it happens.
i know i've just got to go with it.
i hadn't planned that post to end like that.
it just happened.
i was having a good memory of mom.
was remembering her at the table,
big beaming smile on her face.
or remembering times watching games as she sat
in her chair, "come on KU".
or Kstate, whoever was playing.
memories...can do that to ya.
make you happy, thankful,
or break your heart.
sigh.
yet i recognize and appreciate how blessed i am
to have been the daughter of my mom.
i just get weary of missing mom.
the fact that tears can be just 'right there'
often, is exhausting.
after writing the post about mom and the jayhawks,
i had a grief burst.
didn't really want to. didn't want to have to
sit here at the computer and cry.
but..it happens.
i know i've just got to go with it.
i hadn't planned that post to end like that.
it just happened.
i was having a good memory of mom.
was remembering her at the table,
big beaming smile on her face.
or remembering times watching games as she sat
in her chair, "come on KU".
or Kstate, whoever was playing.
memories...can do that to ya.
make you happy, thankful,
or break your heart.
sigh.
yet i recognize and appreciate how blessed i am
to have been the daughter of my mom.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
rock chalk jayhawk, and momma
yes, you read that right.
those boys do play for my state.
even though i am not a big sports fan,
i do appreciate a win.
maybe not such a close one,
sheesh...
but it's a win.
i have some family members who are
VERY PASSIONATE about their team.
my heart always feels for them when
the games are close.
and when aren't they lately?
anyway, bird, who's been reading mom's journals
from the 1980's shared a little tidbit from them.
"KU won championship game last night" .
it was written April 4, 1988.
she enjoyed a good game too, but was not a fanatic.
this brought back some memories for me.
i can remember mom saying,
"rock chalk jayhawk.
we are miiighty proud
of our Kaaansas crowd."
for whatever reason it seems to have been said
mainly around a table dining w/family.
and that probably comes from a very
misty memory i have of visiting California
cousins.
we were sitting around a table
and moms younger brother made a toast
saying those very words.
so naturally i think of my uncle too.
"Diamond Chuck", mom once called him.
and he is quite a story in itself.
regardless...
rock chalk jayhawk momma!
your kansas crowd misses you
and Diamond Chuck.
bet you two had fun last night huh?
those boys do play for my state.
even though i am not a big sports fan,
i do appreciate a win.
maybe not such a close one,
sheesh...
but it's a win.
i have some family members who are
VERY PASSIONATE about their team.
my heart always feels for them when
the games are close.
and when aren't they lately?
anyway, bird, who's been reading mom's journals
from the 1980's shared a little tidbit from them.
"KU won championship game last night" .
it was written April 4, 1988.
she enjoyed a good game too, but was not a fanatic.
this brought back some memories for me.
i can remember mom saying,
"rock chalk jayhawk.
we are miiighty proud
of our Kaaansas crowd."
for whatever reason it seems to have been said
mainly around a table dining w/family.
and that probably comes from a very
misty memory i have of visiting California
cousins.
we were sitting around a table
and moms younger brother made a toast
saying those very words.
so naturally i think of my uncle too.
"Diamond Chuck", mom once called him.
and he is quite a story in itself.
regardless...
rock chalk jayhawk momma!
your kansas crowd misses you
and Diamond Chuck.
bet you two had fun last night huh?
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