my heritage

for about an hour i had
a young inquisitive visitor.
(his parents and grandpa
were doing some work
on our house.)
he arrived after school
and proudly told his 
grandpa he moved up a
reading level!
after some playing outside
he was in to sit and chat.

while his busy hands
twisted the fringe on my afghan
i heard about "the beat".
"i can do it outside."
and he demonstrated
clap stomp clap stomp.
although it didn't sound
as good as in the gym
full of kids he said.

i tell him about the squirrel
that stood up on hind feet,
hands splayed peering
in my big picture window
looking for the birdseed i
brought inside to keep
mr. squirrel out of it!

soon we are watching 
the backyard birds dine.
birds swoop in perching
on the dried flower stems
waiting in line for their turn.
the blue jays colors catch our eye
as it zips about in the evergreen trees.
i get the binoculars for easier 
identification of other birds.
we see finches, sparrows and 
chickadees.

so much enjoyment i'm getting
from life via a first grade boy. 
all too soon the work is done
and off they go.

and i think fondly of my mom.

she would have done the same thing...
and her mom who did too.
and my aunti who still does.

i think that's a mighty fine
heritage to have.
 

 

 
 

 
 



 

 

 

 

today is good

four years ago was a hard hard day.
four years ago my sweet momma 
moved to heaven.
sometimes it seemed like my heart went with her.

the year after she died was full of sorrow,
sometimes confusion, lots of weeping,
and taking it a day (or minute) at a time.

but today my heart is not broken.
my eyes are not weeping.
my spirit feels thankful.
its been more of a celebration
than mourning.
how blessed to be the daughter of
some pretty terrific people.
my folks weren't perfect,
but i had a mighty fine "raising".

so this day and this week i've been
celebrating life.
i brought home fresh flowers in 
memory of not only mom, 
but my father-in-love.

lots of happy life happening here.
i've watched the squirrels
play tag around the trees.
seen the birds splash and slurp
in the bird bath.
and have felt blessed all week.

thanks be to God for these
gifts of life.
 
 
 

name changes

my name is going to change next year.
i'm pretty excited about it actually.
still married to brown-eyed-handsome-man
his name will change too.

a little mancub will be joining our family
in the spring.
our first grandbaby!!!

this little wonder and delight will keep
me on the road.
or i should say in the air.
the parents live far away.
but....
as we've always told our kids
you can run but you can't hide!
we will find you.
we will visit.

here's to new names....
and grand babies
and life!

signing off,
grammie and granddad


 



 

sometimes...

in mid afternoon the clouds came,
the sky became overcast and dark.
the wind began to blow in a small rain shower.
temps dropped nearly 15 degrees in 45 minutes.

a year ago i would have made a call.
i would have called dad asking if 
he too got the small 'squall' of a storm.
and we would have chatted about 
what we each had done that day.
what we would do when i would
visit him the next day.
what "goodie" i would bake for him.

i miss those calls.
those little times to re-connect with my dad.
to just sit together looking out the big
picture window or sit on the front porch 
watching the world go on.

many many times i want to give him a call.
but that's just not possible. 
sometimes i just look up and tell him
whatever i wanted to say anyway.
i like to think he hears me.

i know how much happier he is.
his body is healthy,
his mind is clear and
he is once again with mom, his parents,
and all his siblings.
and Jesus.

whats not to love about that?

but sometimes...
my world is just too empty. 

 
 

 
 

head and heart not on the same page

i want to feel good.
i don't want to hurt.
my mind wants good too.
but the heart.
oh the heart has a mind of it's own.

so i'm slogging through the hard part of grief.
the weepy, indecisive, 
don't-remember-like-i-should part.

dreaming weird when i sleep.
ugh. 
the grief bursts on the prowl
and coming often, unexpectedly
as they do.

it will pass in awhile.
when i've shed enough tears
to let go of the heart ache for a bit.
and i will have strength to carry on
until the weepy's return.

yet
i know it will return.
this is what mourning is/does.


currently i am mourning the
loss of my childhood home 
as well as dad dying.
already the inside has changed.
rooms dismantled,
things gone completely.
it no longer feels like home.
it's empty of life.
but not memories.
and those memories right now 
aren't quite as comforting as i would like.

no more family dinners at the big table.
no more watching sunrises, sunsets,
listening to the owls, pheasants and
evening doves.
yes, i can go back. it is still owned by 
my brother. but you see, 
it's not the same. 
when dad died, the life literally and 
figuratively left the home.
it was different after mom died, 
but dad was still there.
now it's just EMPTY.
even with a bit of furniture there.
it "reads" empty. 
and that hurts.

this morning when i wasn't sleeping 
i got a God moment.
i was taking the trash to the curb,
came around the house going down
the driveway and see a little movement 
out of the corner of my eye.
it startles me.
then i see it's a small little cotton tail bunny.
"stupid rabbit" i exclaim.

quickly i realize he was a gift.

i no longer live in the country
but i have a rabbit...a bit of wild life
that shares part of the block with us. 
and i know God just wanted me to be 
reminded of His presence.
thanks be to God.

later reading a devotional thought online
the writer finishes off saying God
calls us daughter.
true. 
and i needed that.
even the grief burst that came
with it recognizing God is calling me daughter. 
some being can and does call me by that name.
oh how i need that. 
thanks be to God.




 

 

 
 

 


 

times like these i really really miss them...

happy news in our family recently.
our youngest has become engaged.
he's a really good fella and they
complement each other nicely.
this is a great thing in my book.

yet, it's times like this i miss my folks.
it's times like this i feel a bit alone.
not orphaned... never... just alone.
i miss not getting to tell them this good news.

they would be happy for their youngest
grandchild. i can hear mom say,
"oh bekah rosie i am happy for you."
or "grandpa can you believe this girl is getting married?"
and grandpa would say, "no". 
(he was a man of few words.)
 
neither of my folks got to meet our new 
son-in-love-to-be.
they would have liked him.
he's kind, generous, considerate and funny.
a lot like my parents. 

and he would have liked them.

this sweet/sad time will pass for me.
just talking about it here helps a bit.
and i really am happy for the newly
engaged couple. 
so is brown eyed handsome man.

big hugs teacher daughter and mr. e.
let us know how/when/if we can help.

 

troubled nights and rambling thoughts

3 times in this past week i have dreamed of dad.
sad to say they aren't pleasant dreams.
he's dying or already dead in them but the
situation is different than the reality we had.
ugh.
i am always ready to wake up from those and
thankfully i return to a more peaceful sleep.

we made a fast trip to the farm today.
ugh.
my heart/stomach didn't enjoy it too much.
our youngest child,who hadn't been back 
since the funeral was with us.
it wasn't easy for her either.
the house has changed a bit.
my stomach responded with queasiness.

one of these days i need to make/take the time
to just go ahead and again allow myself to
feel these painful feelings of 
missing dad.
of closing up my parents life.
i've done it some, but not enough i guess.

a broken heart is not my idea of fun.
and sometimes when the heart ache comes
it's not really a convenient time to have
a grief burst.
but the dreams are speaking for my heart.
sadness, confusion, anxiety.

my introverted self becomes even more so
when it takes so much energy to be chatty
and polite around people. 
i kind of pretend i'm okay i guess.
and sometimes i feel okay.
but then i am drained from too much noise,
or people time.
i just need to hole-up for awhile and put myself
back together again. 
and then i can function for a bit.

brown eyed handsome man mentioned
today that each time since dad died that
i've been to the farm 
it takes me 2-3 days to recover. 
hmmm..
he wasn't complaining, just stating a fact.

i read something recently in a grief newsletter
i get from hospice.
" grief is not about letting go..
grief is about finding ways to continue the
connection even as we live a different,
now changed life." 

words worth pondering on.