Monday morning

my night was short.
different bed, sounds,
and I feel bad tossing and turning
while sharing my daughters bed.
thankfully, she seems to sleeping.

my heart and mind are in the
opposite corner of the state.
I think of momma, she will soon be
rejoicing in heaven.
and I wonder if daddy went home
last night. I got word he was staying
because momma asked him too.

I need to be there. Give him support.
give me support.
so this morning I will spend more time
with my daughter, then head back home .

these are the last days? Hours?
please pray me home safely.

sunday

I am at my daughters.
when I called about momma
she had gone for breakfast.
so I left for my 5 hour journey.
now I know she is getting her pain pills
every 4 hours.
has more confusion too.
I might head home tomorrow.

just good to be here right now.
see the new apartment and help
with fun stuff, like decorating
a bit.
sweet daughter fixed a supper
of salad! Yeah. Am getting
weary of fast food meals.
but that's what I have time for
these daze.

vitals

am at the care home when vital check happens.
they are- b/p 140/89,
oxy, 100, pulse 77, temp. 97.

i have my own set of vitals for her.
at 12:30 noon when i arrive mom is perky,
more chatty, feeling pretty good.
dad and my brother are there causing 
me to think "good, she's gonna hang
around awhile."

i take daddy to lunch and to get his groceries. 
encouraging him to go home and rest.
when we get back my Auntie is there.
tears apparent, mom is still,very quiet in voice
and body. 
what happened?
she was perky an hour ago.
this finds me attempting to help all in the room,
we get daddy to head home and i 
promise my aunt some time to process
about her time w/momma.
she just needs to release her tears,
talk about her fears,
and get a hug. 
it's not an easy journey for any.


soon it's just me and momma.
i ask if she wants to chat or rest?
"rest". i head to the recliner.
she begins to talk. :)
"we were right."
ok. then she talks a bit about
a conversation she and i had on thursday.
bits and pieces of it, with as much clarity 
as she can. and at times thats not much. 
she smiles, looks into my eyes while 
reaching out.  we end up holding hands
each stroking the others skin with our thumbs.
a gift for me. such a blessed gift.


daddy didn't stay home long.
he arrives and i get him to sit in the recliner.
i've journaled these words
here i sit holding moms hand while she rests.
she's on my left, daddy's reclined and resting
on my right. such a place of ----blessing for me.
a sacred time. keep wishing for sister bird to be 
sharing in this.

after 20 minutes or so momma quietly speaks.
"do you think grandpa knows i need him?"
to which daddy replys
"i need her too."
and i chimed in
"yes, he's sitting here in the recliner"

her closed eye face smiles gently when she said
" i  mean my granpa. grandpa phillip."


"yes, he's probably waiting on you."
we discuss how he won't be hindered
by the injured hip and how he's getting the cards
out ready for a game.
'hi low, jick, jack, joker, game. '
5 point pitch daddy said.


mom talks weak-ish, but when i ask
for understanding of those words, she talks stronger.
makes me wonder if her weakness is a choice she's making.
i know she just wants to 'slip-away' like miss sarah did. 
what an honor that would be for me to be present
when the angels fill the room,escorting her home.


there are scripture posters on her wall.
so i begin to sing them,
"they that wait upon the Lord, will renew
their strength. they shall mount up with wings
like eagles. they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint. teach me Lord,
teach me Lord, to wait."
momma's soft voice and thin lips join in with her
eyes closed. i sing and watch her as she mouths 
the words, once in awhile she's lets one escape into sound. 


and then another song
'heaven ,is, a wonderful place,
filled with glory and grace
i want to see my saviors face
cause heaven is a wonderful place.'

she's really not eating. picked
at breakfast, refused lunch. 
i remember the hospice pamphlet
said it might be that way at the end.
interest and desire for food leaves.

however when offered some of my
home-made blueberry muffins daddy got 
her to eat a blueberry. then we offered another.
"oh, okay." 
we picked all those washington blueberries
from our muffins, gently laying them on 
her tongue. like a baby bird she gobbled them up!

she had been taking mouse nibbles of her 
peppermint taffy. also managed a cracker
and small part of a brownie for supper.
her tummy is noisy. i said
"mom it sounds like a thunder storm in there"
"it does doesn't it."


she had flickers of pain,
you can see them when she grimaces.
one time she said to me
"did u see that? that indicates pain."
"yes, i did. where does it hurt?"
her tummy. we think maybe gas pains
because it comes and goes swiftly.

by evening her swelling has decreased tremendously.
she is no longer puffy, but i can really see the
difference in her feet and very thankful.


i tell both folks about my plans to visit our youngest.
mom replied,"good idea." 
i ask if she'll be here when i get back.
"oh,... somebody will be here."
i chuckle saying, "don't wait on me"
"okay."


daddy thought it a good idea too but
he said," go, but be prepared to be flexible."
"yes daddy, i will."
then he hesitantly asks
"how do you think she's doing?"


i weigh my answer because truthfully
i think she has one foot in heavens door...
but not sure how daddy will respond.
"well..she's quieter."
then i jump in tenderly,
"she's ready to see heaven daddy."
"yes, she is"


pretty soon he asks me
"does she ever talk to you about taking care of me?"


oh boy.
"yes pops, we've discussed it for a few years. i assure her
we'll do the best we can. we won't stop coming over.
sometimes bird will get you and bring u to my for home supper,
and sometimes we'll take u to birds."
he nodded.
we talk about how it won't be easy on any of us.
we will miss momma dearly.
but...this is how life works.


one time when it was just momma and me she
looked directly in my eyes,
"you will be strong." 
"yes, i will. you raised me to be a strong woman."
she nods, seems comforted.


the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Miss Professor G...have you figured 
out yet what the JOY is? 


now i must lay back down.
i have a 5 hour journey ahead today.
planned anyway.






 

whew

momma's days are coming to an end.
stomach pain now leads to a pain pill, 
along w/distension.
the diuretic is working but
maybe not good enough.
sister bird said she is still swollen
as of friday afternoon.

it's hard to know what to do,
where to be.
current plans have me headed
to the care home around 10 a.m. today.


right now i want to go.
i also want to be sleeping.
not doing either.


physical therapy for my shoulder on friday
wasn't too good.
it really hurt to do the lifts and stretches.
therapist worked on loosening it up
and finally said it was pointless.
he got the ice and i rested.
i had gone in with achey shoulders and neck.
i guess my shoulder socket was tight
and inflamed.
go figure.


as i left i told  him how my thursday had gone 
and perhaps that was a contributing factor.
resolved to do ice-ing at home,
warm shower before therapy,
get out the massager thing too.


now i just want to go see momma.
give my extremely weary dad
a break. i hope he went home
last night. i don't know.
i slept for 4 hours and can't go 
back to sleep.


yesterday morning i re-arranged
my therapy, chatted w/our youngest
making plans to visit her soon.
like Sunday-tuesday.
who knows now?
she's 5 hours away and will
my daughter-heart be able to leave
so my momma-heart can function?


i truely don't believe my energizer-bunny
momma will be here much longer.
her big loving heart can't handle all that
water drowning her body. 


i don't like this.


okay, just called the care home
yes it's 6:25 a.m.
that does not matter.
the nurse said night time reports
said momma rested well.
thankyou Jesus.
it sounds like daddy went home.
nurse also said it could take awhile
for the water to leave. 
we need diuretic to work slowly,
okay.
i'll work on my mind getting
that message grasped.


still going over.
need to give daddy a break.
he's feeling like momma needs 
someone there more often.
so does momma i think.
and truthfully, it's probably
the best. we learned a long time
ago having a patient advocate 
at hospitals, etc is in the best 
interest for the patient.


maybe i can catch a nap now.

i lost my slippers, and it wasn't even midnight.

waking up too early this morning,
stretching my feet to find their preferred
fuzzy warmth, and i came up empty-footed.
WHAT?
i try to be intentional about my bedside slippers.
where did i leave them now? 
sleep infused brain does a mental search 
of last evening at home.

of last evening at home?
i wasn't home.
it was nearly bedtime when i got home.

and then i remembered where
my slippers moved to.
they are resting on my momma's 
very swollen feeties. 
those leopard-spotted-fuzzy-
Christmas 2010-gifted slippers
have moved up in the world.

our youngest daughter gave them
to me. i know she won't mind me
sharing them with her beloved grandma.

momma's been retaining fluid
since last saturday, possibly.
socks were too constricting.
knowing my slippers are wide,
they are loose on me, 
they might work for momma.


as soon as the cna's saw them
there was rejoicing in the room.
" these will work great!
we've not had anything to protect her feet."


and they do.


momma had a bit of drama yesterday too.
that gave dad a bit of terror,
but we all lived to tell about it.


she had another panic attack.
breathing gets labored, chest hurts.
i think this time her vitals were fine,
so possibly this was just a panic attack.


i had been checking with various staff for the 
much needed diuretic and where was it? 
could i go get it rather than 
wait on the pharmacy to deliver?
yes.


back in momma's room i see she is not doing too good.
an aide is there checking some vital, 
mom is requesting to be in bed. 
knowing her labored breathing
is in part due to the excess water
i hope to hurry with the diuretic.
i said to daddy,
"i'm going to go and get the diuretic.
we've got to get this water off,
it will help with the breathing.
you stay here, i'll be right back."


he crumpled.
his chin shook, eyes watered.
oh poppa.
i gave him a hug and he asked
" are you going to the farm for it?"

"no daddy, just down the street.
i have to get it soon pops. the aides
are here. mom will be ok."


he shakes his head, takes a breath, 
calms a bit and half-heartedly agrees.
i hustle out the door,
stopping by to tell the director of nurses
"mom is having another panic attack,
daddy is falling apart. can you go check on him 
while i get the meds?"


she's on it like lightening. 


i call sister-bird,
update her as i zip across town.
we needed her praying. she did.


once i'm back, it's like a relay race
as i pass  the diuretic to the nurse.
she's on the move, i'm on the move
and she takes the hand-off with grace!
daddy's sitting in dining room sipping a soda,
and calmer. he said they kicked him out of the room.


the rooms are small and once you get 3 or 4 aides 
and the necessary moving equipment, that's how it goes.


we get the all clear from my relay partner soon, 
and find momma resting in her bed.
breathing is better already. 


there's a bit of irony here.
she is semi-reclined in her bed.
pretty much the same angle she
had been at in her recliner?! 
oh well.
BUT, she is definitely better
hallelujah!


eventually daddy's head begins to
droop since he's now in the recliner.
we encourage him to put his feet up and rest.
we got no argument.
momma and i chat.
she's telling me the drugs she was given.
" one diuretic and 2 pain pills."
?????
back i go to the nurses desk with questions.
no, it was 1 diuretic, 1 potassium,1 pain pill, 
1 dose of ativan, and a partridge in a pear tree.
humor gets me through
these kinds of daze.

while dad sleeps mom and i have a nice visit.
she is relatively clear minded and 
we discuss some important things.
she cannot say enough words of praise
for the aides who lovingly care for her.


i've seen them, i know it's true.
in fact the 2 helping her had tears
in their eyes as they ministered to my momma.
i guess even the cleaning lady was ready
to slip in to gloves to help out...
and she's not even trained!

before they shift change last evening
one of those very sweet girls came by
to tell us " the aides have made a notebook 
and we are writing in there how to help you
when this happens. what u like best. what 
works for you. we're doing it for all the residents."
holey moley!
give these aides a raise!!!


i stayed, going out to supper with my dad
and brother. momma was subdued, weary, and 
a bit spacey when we got back. 
it was time for me to go home.
daddy told me" i'm glad you were here today."
mom agreed. 
i replied, "God had me 
where He needed me at the right time."
they agreed.  


'and to all a good night.'

Jesus loves me..I am certain

certain, certainty, certainly,
all meaning the same.
there are things in my life i'm certain, sure about.
not only does Jesus love me
so does my brown-eyed-handsome man.
(btw, did i tell you he broke out with shingles?
yup, last week.
fortunately its very mild and already receding,
no pain, even. thanks God.)
how do i know this man loves me?
he made the bed on Christmas day.
and even on another day.
i prefer the bed made...
he doesn't care.
also... not only did he get the Christmas
containers out for me,
he set them on dining room chairs.
just the level i needed to keep from
straining my back. 
(did i tell you i was down for 3 days
last week with severe back pain?)
and i didn't even have to ask him.
just walked in the room and BAM
there they were.
THEN....
he even took down, undecorated,
put away his grandparents tree.
the little aluminum one we used this year.
he also embraces grilled cheese for supper.
see he loves me.


another certainty..
and i quote sister-bird
"the only thing certain about mom
is ...uncertainty." 
true.
whether its her mind or body.
each day, or each half day can 
be counted on to bring a change.
due to her prolonged elevated heart rate
last saturday evening, there is the
possibility of some heart damage.
which could be why her legs are swollen,
heart unable to pump sufficiently.
or maybe the kidneys are mis-behaving?
or... not....who knows?
also, i am certain she believes
that mentholatum is great!
maybe not a cure-all, but amazing regardless. 
she's not convinced all the other things
done to help her on saturday were
the best, but the mentholatum is great.
and it's fine. 

also certain when daddy calls 
me or sister-bird,
saying momma had a rough 
patch, our hearts sink.
they really break when he cries. 
it's such a helpless feeling.


sigh


i am certain, thankful really
that after i took down holiday decor
i had the desire to put something else up.
it's been months, literally, since i wanted 
to do something like that because 
it's just fun.  
am enjoying this bloomer 
in my living room.

and this peaceful scene in our dining room.

am certain i could not
figure out how to take the flash
off my camera.
and could not find the directions telling me so.
maybe another day.


am certain my fingers are dyslexic.
they do not spell well, 
as i'm sure you've noticed. :)


am certain i should 
never, ever try to multi-task
while making grilled cheese sandwiches.
this invariably happens.

so i toss this, add a new piece and go on.
sometimes i've added 2 new pieces...sigh.

am certain i'm also enjoying 2 new blogs
i've discovered.
also certain i would share a link to them
with you, but haven't figured that out yet.


regardless, one ended her recent post
with words that my mind could not find.
quoting the blog out of my alleged mind
"i'm entering a new year, trying to make 
peace with uncertainty."


yes,
that's me.
working on being okay with not 
being in control of my days-daze,
they are both. 
just keeping clean jeans and undies
at-the-ready for overnite adventures.
( translated-times i need to be closer 
to my folks)


working diligently on my arm
at home and at physical therapy.
yesterday was good and tough, 
i took a 3 hour nap afterwords.


am certain that due to 
PT, i am able to eat with my right hand,
shift the gears in the car, 
and almost give my brown-eyed-
handsome man a full 2 armed hug!


Jesus loves me, I am certain.







 

how did you bring in 2012?

ce..le..brate good times! 
come on!
bah dah dah dah 
dah! dah! dah! dah!

11 pm-ish. Saturday, December 31st.
I'm relaxed on a couch,
playing angry birds on my tablet.
The room is peaceful,
only the Christmas lights gleem.
Just me and.....half a dozen nurses,
aides, and a care home full of 
sleeping residents.
okay..not all of them were sleeping..
especially one in particular.
Momma.
And because she was awake,
so were Daddy and I. 


Late in the afternoon she had a BAD spell.
Heart rate elevated, rapid breathing,
low blood pressure, anxious....
All that scarey stuff.

Several phone calls and this daughters 
heart could no longer stay at home.
Brown-eyed-handsome man drove me over.

Mom had calmed down, 
all systems were as normal as possible,
kind of.
Daddy wanted to stay until midnight, 
then maybe go home.
okay, we stayed.
but after Momma said
" I'm sorry guys, but this may take all night."
Daddy assured her we weren't going anywhere.
He stayed by her beside in the recliner,
dozing very rarely.
I was up and down the halls,
checking on the folks, 
laying on a sofa, in the chapel,
or chatting with the night crew.
They are AMAZING.
:-)


By 5:30-6 am. I knew she was gonna be fine.
Or as fine as she can be.
But Daddy wouldn't leave until 
sister-bird arrived for the second shift.

Even though physically Mom has settled down,
there is still confusion.
It's not all the time and you need to
hang out with her for 30-60 minutes to become aware.
I shared several stories with the different care givers
so they would know. 


I'll tell you one...maybe two.
Because she had been so full of anxiety and 
had all those scarey signs... hospice suggested
using the anti-anxiety cream.
they had to increase the dosage.
she was also given a pain pill,
and her sleeping pill.
eventually all those became effective but
she was still awake.
sigh.
then her nose was stopped up.
she dug around in there, 
gross i know, oh well.
at least it helped.
and then I offered her mentholatum.
"YES"
that seemed to do the trick.
for an hour.
when the nurse would give the anti-anxiety
cream, mom would dose her nose.
Finally around 4 a.m. she settled down 
and slept. 
I did too.
At 6:30 we are all awake.
Mom comes to a conclusion saying,
" we need to remember.
all that stuff they did last night...
and all i really needed was mentholatum.
that is what helped me breath."

WHAT!!!
mentholatum!
I'm sure it's what regulated her b/p,
heart rate, etc.
or not.
but in mom's mind it did. 

I felt it my duty to not negate
the hard working staff and other previously 
mentioned measures, so mentioned 
them to her.


Okay...maybe.


I just want you to know she still 
is fond of her mentholatum.
and that's fine.

My favorite story is one she told 
sister bird.
" I'm using a nasal spray. 
it's going up into my brain and killing 
the tumors."


sure..why not. 


my  brown-eyed-handsome man
became mom's favorite son-in-love today.
he re-arranged her room and got the tv set up.
As it was programming she got excited.
"oh..this is so good."
it was just cute.
he showed her the button for menu.
you know the scrolling place that shows 
the times, stations and shows.
momma said,
"it's fun just watching this!"
she was serious.
it was cute, fun, 
and so sweet to see her appreciation.
we were glad to give her joy.


however, it's all because her 
other favorite son-in-love 
bought her the tv. 


she's blessed to have two favorites!
and we are blessed to have more days.
even the hard ones.