troubled nights and rambling thoughts

3 times in this past week i have dreamed of dad.
sad to say they aren't pleasant dreams.
he's dying or already dead in them but the
situation is different than the reality we had.
ugh.
i am always ready to wake up from those and
thankfully i return to a more peaceful sleep.

we made a fast trip to the farm today.
ugh.
my heart/stomach didn't enjoy it too much.
our youngest child,who hadn't been back 
since the funeral was with us.
it wasn't easy for her either.
the house has changed a bit.
my stomach responded with queasiness.

one of these days i need to make/take the time
to just go ahead and again allow myself to
feel these painful feelings of 
missing dad.
of closing up my parents life.
i've done it some, but not enough i guess.

a broken heart is not my idea of fun.
and sometimes when the heart ache comes
it's not really a convenient time to have
a grief burst.
but the dreams are speaking for my heart.
sadness, confusion, anxiety.

my introverted self becomes even more so
when it takes so much energy to be chatty
and polite around people. 
i kind of pretend i'm okay i guess.
and sometimes i feel okay.
but then i am drained from too much noise,
or people time.
i just need to hole-up for awhile and put myself
back together again. 
and then i can function for a bit.

brown eyed handsome man mentioned
today that each time since dad died that
i've been to the farm 
it takes me 2-3 days to recover. 
hmmm..
he wasn't complaining, just stating a fact.

i read something recently in a grief newsletter
i get from hospice.
" grief is not about letting go..
grief is about finding ways to continue the
connection even as we live a different,
now changed life." 

words worth pondering on.

 
 
 

 

 
 

good byes don't come easy

Well today was ... spikey,
roller coastery... emotionally charged.

i will admit it's hard to see your childhood disintegrate.
the dresser you had and shared with your sister
no longer has a home.
when we got it mom painted it pink and white.
then bird got her own room, and eventually
mom and i painted it white and added some "classy"
gold decals and fancy drawer pulls.
our attempt to give it an french country look.
45 years later it's still "french country".

our old table that was the "dining table", until it
became the sewing table. we have photos of us
sitting at that table. i'm at it in my 1 yr old photo.
it needs a new home.

and then dad's desk.
it's not very big and the style is early american.
but i remember when we got it.
such excitement. a desk for dad.
a place to keep track of farm paperwork and such.
i remember where it sat in the  living room.
i also remember being excited because
now maybe i could do my homework at it...
a real honest to goodness desk.
well.... once in awhile i got to.
i also remember dad sharing many words of caution
in how to behave at the desk.
don't mark on it
don't scuff it.
don't put things in the drawers!

and yet, there it now sits, lonely, empty
and no one wants it or has room for it.
i understand.
truly.
but still.. it's hard.

i know i know
i am not the first person to close up a life of their
parents. and i won't be the last.
but i (we) are doing this and
it's our journey and sometimes
it's just soo hard.

like today i'm at dads bank.
an old high school classmate comes by,
pats my shoulder and sweetly asks
"how are you ?"
and i crumble.
my heart drops,
tears stream down my cheeks
and i say
"not too good today.
yesterday was fathers day and
today is very very hard."
she understood as i knew she would.
there was no need to pretend to feel other
than how i felt.
the lady who is helping me said
"i understand.
it's been 15 years since my dad died
and yesterday was hard for me too."
i told them i concentrated very hard yesterday 
on being thankful to just have had a good dad 
worth missing..
but sometimes those tears need out.

grief and honesty. 
when shared the load lightens a bit. 

so in my attempt to process this journey
i've returned to writing in hopes
that talking about it eases my heart.

good night pops...enjoy the cookie.

Miss you Pops

Our first fathers day with out a chance to give you a hug,
or a bag of candy or homemade goodies.
First fathers day to not sit with you in church.
Fix you lunch.
Take a picture together.

sigh....

Today I've really worked on being thankful for all
the years I got to do those things.
Thankful to have been your daughter for 57 years.

But here we are at the end of day and no matter how
thankful I am for all the good things...
I still miss you. Miss your grin,
words of fun and wisdom, and just miss you.
Brown eyed handsome man wore one of your tie clasps today.
When he mentioned it in church my eyes filled up.
When the sweet little old man sitting behind me in church
began to sing the hyms... my eyes filled up.

I think it's all those years of you filling up my heart with love,
support and life that makes my eyes fill up now too.

Finally decided to stop looking at pictures of you today
because then i missed you even more.

thanks God for my daddy.
give him a big hug from me please.

dear old dad

just 4 months pops.
4 months since i saw your blue eyes.
4 months since your worn out body shuffled
from one room in your home to another.

we had a good run daddio.
it was a grand one actually.
i miss hanging out with you,
sitting on the front porch watching
the birds or playing with cooper.
commenting on what was in the truck 
that just zipped down the road.
i miss fixing you lunch
and eating at the table together.
i miss you walking me out to my car 
when i left for home.
i miss phone calls of weather reports 
telling each other who got how much rain...
and a zillion other things.

i don't miss you being sick and in pain.
or missing momma and having long lonely days. 

i like to think of you two young and 
having fun in heaven.
your hair isn't gray, your smile
is wide and the jokes and stories are
flowing freely. 
happy memories of my sweet childhood.
 
did you know we have your car?
and your pickup?
thanks for taking such good care of them.
and yes, we've already put miles on both.
we are practicing what you and mom preached
"travel while you're young".
even though when you got old you often commented 
to me, "you sure go lots." 
and i smiled and said
"i learned from the best". 

just 2 months before you died you asked me
"why am i still here?"
"i guess God isn't finished with you yet pops."
God got finished with you sooner than we expected
however.
even in those hard days and nights i have sweet memories
of time with you. 
i would do it all again dad.
i surely would.
love you always and forever

p.s. we've had so much rain
everything is very green
and gorgeous. 
bet your view is pretty sweet.

 
 

my friend went to heaven with out me yesterday.
she wasn't in a hurry and did her best to live
as long as she could.
she packed a lot of living in 53 years.
she had lots more living she wanted to do.
graduations, weddings, babies, and growing old with 
her hubby. 

there is a big hole in my heart.
tears are my companion today.
so are smiles and a few chuckles too.
we shared those things together in the 19 years
i was blessed to call her my friend.

 
 

oh what a week it's been...

...full of highs and lows.

and not just temperatures either. 
yes  we started out with warm days.
even got up to the low 70's. 
woohoo!

and then it dropped drastically.
by wednesday it was breath stealing cold. 
low teens, even single digits
with negative wind chills. 
no woohoo 
more like boohoo.
***
i started the week at my sisters having a grand time.
spent mid-week with a bunch 
of girlfriends doing the yearly mammogram
adventure and shopping.
much laughing and giggling happened.
every one got the a okay health wise too!
thanks God.
woohoo!

finished the week by telling my dad's 
remaining sibling good bye.
my uncle went to heaven this evening.  
i think he was 88.
i got to visit him and his family this afternoon.
heard some sweet early marriage stories.
they were married for 68 years.
i admire those kinds of commitments.
they even lost a son to cancer and
remained strong through that.
thank You God. 

before i left i gave my uncle a hug and 
asked him to give mom a hug when 
he got to heaven. 
i'm going to miss him. 

i bet they get the card-party gang together 
for a rousing round of pinochle.




 
 

kitchen dancin' and recipe wanderin'

i am feeling domestic today it seems.
i have organized the laundry room,
doing laundry.
baked a pumpkin,
roasted pumpkin seeds,
and...
making a veggie lasagna.

brown-eyed-handsome-man 
is working today,
so i've got the music cranked up
and i've been moving and grooving.

ya wanna know what the music is?
several years ago a mixed cd
of eye-talian music was made
to be used at my nephews
wedding rehearsal supper.
and when i knew i wanted to try a new
lasagna recipe, i knew it called 
for eye-talian music.
fyi, brown-eyed-h.m. pronounces it that way. 
and HE is on my mind.
see he is a meat man.
he will tolerate veggies...
as long as he has a meat chaser!

veggie lasagna has NO meat.
i can bet money he will NOT
even try it.  
***

this morning i read a recipe using butternut squash
it sounded very tasty. 
but...
butternut squash i do not have.
however i do have pumpkins we grew on the farm,
and they are technically squash...
so why not?

often with me, one thing leads to another..
bake the pumpkin, might as well roast the seeds. 
then i needed to make a run to our local
mini-mart for mozzarella cheese.
well they had portabella mushrooms
and fresh zucchini.
tasty idea.
and then i've had these beets for awhile,
so...
one veggie led to another.
and i knew i had lost the chance 
b.e.h.m would even get close to this dish.
his loss i'm certain. 
not to mention i was no longer following the recipe.
***

all this wandering got me to wondering...
do YOU follow the recipes?  
 ***

in the mean time the veggie lasagna is baking
and Mack the Knife has kept
me company and kitchen dancin'.

i think i'll take a nap...
unless i make a pie with the 
rest of the baked pumkin.
wonder if i have the ingredients?

p.s.
look what just came out of the oven.