helpless

before 9 yesterday morning momma called.
" do we test the blood after breakfast or lunch?'


" is there something wrong?'


"now you and kate will be here today right?"


We had let the folks have 2 nights by themselves.
my brother and family are right next door on the farm.
my medically trained niece was checking on them, 
helping out too. Plus we have written down medication
schedules, in more than one place. along with our home and cell numbers, for daddy. 


mom tells me " i hope i can get stronger, then i will feel
more confident about all this." 
" that would be good."


I ask how it was with just them for 2 nites. was she comfortable with that?
she pauses, " it was.....okay.... dad and i can do this.....
we have been."
however, i am not quite convinced,...just by her voice and face.

i tell kate. because you see, i am helpless too.
i cannot do many things for myself due to being 
a one armed bandit? wonder?.
i have been learning to lean on my daughter.
it's humbling, comforting, and confusing all at the same time.
and frustrating. 
we are independent women. 
i was raised that way. 
and to not be able to do things for myself is challenging. 


ironically i have been taking care of my momma, just like
kate takes care of me. 
i understand better how mom has felt when with tenderness she has said.."oh Daughter. you don't have to do this. I feel bad to ask you."


of course it is NOT a problem for me.
it's a gift, honoring my mom, my dad.
out of deep love and appreciation I give back to them
this is how i was raised. 

due to mom's fear of pain, claustrophobia, she didn't want 
to do CAT scans or MRI'S.  we've had to force both issues 
in less than one weeks time.


i was very anxious. felt helpless. 
we needed the test. mom would be upset.
pushed the cat scan 2 saturday nites ago in the ER
we discussed it.
momma said to me. " you did the right thing."


this past wednesday when the oncologist ordered the mri,
 mom said no. bird, my sister, and i said yes.
when mom rememebered it was an open one, she agreed.
later the nurse told me its not. 
what did i want to do?
 sigh.
after seeing the machine, 
being torn between needing to know where the devil breast cancer
 had spread, and mom's fear. 
it was a hard decision. 
i felt helpless.
me, bird, and kate made the decision to stay the course.
and not tell mom. she had about an hour before the mri.
why give her that time to get worked up, because, just maybe
she would get in there, see the machine, and go for it anyway.
we stormed heaven with pleadings for peace for momma.


i had to leave for staple removal, leaving bird and kate w/folks
to deal with the mri and any possible issues.


bless God. mom saw the machine, and went for it anyway.
kate shared her ipod w/the techs, and mom got to listen to christian music. she glowed talking about it.


we were helpless.
God was powerful.


friday i discussed wednesdays adventures w/mom.
told her the anxiousness i had.
she said. " it was the right thing to do. i needed it done. 
 i don't know why i get so upset."


once again, she gave me grace. 
now pray she gives herself grace.
yesterday she commented 
" if i would just have not waited."
I think she thinks if she had the tests earlier, maybe we could
have caught the cancer sooner. 
maybe


I just looked at her, reminding her of the lessons she taught me
" God is in control." 
" yes" she responds.


i cannot fathom what goes on in her mind.
i think she's in a bit of denial.... 
that's fine.
she's not hurting a thing.

" Jesus, no one, not even you, likes a broken heart.
once again, i do not understand your ways, and that does cause 
me to feel helpless. but once again, as i journey in the hard places, i beg for your grace, mercy. you have never failed me, or my folks. always we've had what we needed, and often blessings abundantly.
i give you these 'sacred days',,,, you  understand my tears better than i......for today, and last monday, when momma's delusions left, and we laughed. genuinely laughed. she beamed with joy, had no pain.... i give you deep thanks.for yesterday, for the chance once again, to kiss her little bald head, hear her voice, i give you thanks. for lovingly holding us in your heart and hand, i give u thanks. for being helpless...i give you thanks. my blessings do out number my heartaches.
i am grateful. amen."