my name is going to change next year.
i'm pretty excited about it actually.
still married to brown-eyed-handsome-man
his name will change too.
a little mancub will be joining our family
in the spring.
our first grandbaby!!!
this little wonder and delight will keep
me on the road.
or i should say in the air.
the parents live far away.
but....
as we've always told our kids
you can run but you can't hide!
we will find you.
we will visit.
here's to new names....
and grand babies
and life!
signing off,
grammie and granddad
Wednesday, December 9, 2015
Tuesday, October 20, 2015
sometimes...
in mid afternoon the clouds came,
the sky became overcast and dark.
the wind began to blow in a small rain shower.
temps dropped nearly 15 degrees in 45 minutes.
a year ago i would have made a call.
i would have called dad asking if
he too got the small 'squall' of a storm.
and we would have chatted about
what we each had done that day.
what we would do when i would
visit him the next day.
what "goodie" i would bake for him.
i miss those calls.
those little times to re-connect with my dad.
to just sit together looking out the big
picture window or sit on the front porch
watching the world go on.
many many times i want to give him a call.
but that's just not possible.
sometimes i just look up and tell him
whatever i wanted to say anyway.
i like to think he hears me.
i know how much happier he is.
his body is healthy,
his mind is clear and
he is once again with mom, his parents,
and all his siblings.
and Jesus.
whats not to love about that?
but sometimes...
my world is just too empty.
the sky became overcast and dark.
the wind began to blow in a small rain shower.
temps dropped nearly 15 degrees in 45 minutes.
a year ago i would have made a call.
i would have called dad asking if
he too got the small 'squall' of a storm.
and we would have chatted about
what we each had done that day.
what we would do when i would
visit him the next day.
what "goodie" i would bake for him.
i miss those calls.
those little times to re-connect with my dad.
to just sit together looking out the big
picture window or sit on the front porch
watching the world go on.
many many times i want to give him a call.
but that's just not possible.
sometimes i just look up and tell him
whatever i wanted to say anyway.
i like to think he hears me.
i know how much happier he is.
his body is healthy,
his mind is clear and
he is once again with mom, his parents,
and all his siblings.
and Jesus.
whats not to love about that?
but sometimes...
my world is just too empty.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
head and heart not on the same page
i want to feel good.
i don't want to hurt.
my mind wants good too.
but the heart.
oh the heart has a mind of it's own.
so i'm slogging through the hard part of grief.
the weepy, indecisive,
don't-remember-like-i-should part.
dreaming weird when i sleep.
ugh.
the grief bursts on the prowl
and coming often, unexpectedly
as they do.
it will pass in awhile.
when i've shed enough tears
to let go of the heart ache for a bit.
and i will have strength to carry on
until the weepy's return.
yet
i know it will return.
this is what mourning is/does.
currently i am mourning the
loss of my childhood home
as well as dad dying.
already the inside has changed.
rooms dismantled,
things gone completely.
it no longer feels like home.
it's empty of life.
but not memories.
and those memories right now
aren't quite as comforting as i would like.
no more family dinners at the big table.
no more watching sunrises, sunsets,
listening to the owls, pheasants and
evening doves.
yes, i can go back. it is still owned by
my brother. but you see,
it's not the same.
when dad died, the life literally and
figuratively left the home.
it was different after mom died,
but dad was still there.
now it's just EMPTY.
even with a bit of furniture there.
it "reads" empty.
and that hurts.
this morning when i wasn't sleeping
i got a God moment.
i was taking the trash to the curb,
came around the house going down
the driveway and see a little movement
out of the corner of my eye.
it startles me.
then i see it's a small little cotton tail bunny.
"stupid rabbit" i exclaim.
quickly i realize he was a gift.
i no longer live in the country
but i have a rabbit...a bit of wild life
that shares part of the block with us.
and i know God just wanted me to be
reminded of His presence.
thanks be to God.
later reading a devotional thought online
the writer finishes off saying God
calls us daughter.
true.
and i needed that.
even the grief burst that came
with it recognizing God is calling me daughter.
some being can and does call me by that name.
oh how i need that.
thanks be to God.
i don't want to hurt.
my mind wants good too.
but the heart.
oh the heart has a mind of it's own.
so i'm slogging through the hard part of grief.
the weepy, indecisive,
don't-remember-like-i-should part.
dreaming weird when i sleep.
ugh.
the grief bursts on the prowl
and coming often, unexpectedly
as they do.
it will pass in awhile.
when i've shed enough tears
to let go of the heart ache for a bit.
and i will have strength to carry on
until the weepy's return.
yet
i know it will return.
this is what mourning is/does.
currently i am mourning the
loss of my childhood home
as well as dad dying.
already the inside has changed.
rooms dismantled,
things gone completely.
it no longer feels like home.
it's empty of life.
but not memories.
and those memories right now
aren't quite as comforting as i would like.
no more family dinners at the big table.
no more watching sunrises, sunsets,
listening to the owls, pheasants and
evening doves.
yes, i can go back. it is still owned by
my brother. but you see,
it's not the same.
when dad died, the life literally and
figuratively left the home.
it was different after mom died,
but dad was still there.
now it's just EMPTY.
even with a bit of furniture there.
it "reads" empty.
and that hurts.
this morning when i wasn't sleeping
i got a God moment.
i was taking the trash to the curb,
came around the house going down
the driveway and see a little movement
out of the corner of my eye.
it startles me.
then i see it's a small little cotton tail bunny.
"stupid rabbit" i exclaim.
quickly i realize he was a gift.
i no longer live in the country
but i have a rabbit...a bit of wild life
that shares part of the block with us.
and i know God just wanted me to be
reminded of His presence.
thanks be to God.
later reading a devotional thought online
the writer finishes off saying God
calls us daughter.
true.
and i needed that.
even the grief burst that came
with it recognizing God is calling me daughter.
some being can and does call me by that name.
oh how i need that.
thanks be to God.
Monday, July 27, 2015
times like these i really really miss them...
happy news in our family recently.
our youngest has become engaged.
he's a really good fella and they
complement each other nicely.
this is a great thing in my book.
yet, it's times like this i miss my folks.
it's times like this i feel a bit alone.
not orphaned... never... just alone.
i miss not getting to tell them this good news.
they would be happy for their youngest
grandchild. i can hear mom say,
"oh bekah rosie i am happy for you."
or "grandpa can you believe this girl is getting married?"
and grandpa would say, "no".
(he was a man of few words.)
neither of my folks got to meet our new
son-in-love-to-be.
they would have liked him.
he's kind, generous, considerate and funny.
a lot like my parents.
and he would have liked them.
this sweet/sad time will pass for me.
just talking about it here helps a bit.
and i really am happy for the newly
engaged couple.
so is brown eyed handsome man.
big hugs teacher daughter and mr. e.
let us know how/when/if we can help.
our youngest has become engaged.
he's a really good fella and they
complement each other nicely.
this is a great thing in my book.
yet, it's times like this i miss my folks.
it's times like this i feel a bit alone.
not orphaned... never... just alone.
i miss not getting to tell them this good news.
they would be happy for their youngest
grandchild. i can hear mom say,
"oh bekah rosie i am happy for you."
or "grandpa can you believe this girl is getting married?"
and grandpa would say, "no".
(he was a man of few words.)
neither of my folks got to meet our new
son-in-love-to-be.
they would have liked him.
he's kind, generous, considerate and funny.
a lot like my parents.
and he would have liked them.
this sweet/sad time will pass for me.
just talking about it here helps a bit.
and i really am happy for the newly
engaged couple.
so is brown eyed handsome man.
big hugs teacher daughter and mr. e.
let us know how/when/if we can help.
Sunday, June 28, 2015
troubled nights and rambling thoughts
3 times in this past week i have dreamed of dad.
sad to say they aren't pleasant dreams.
he's dying or already dead in them but the
situation is different than the reality we had.
ugh.
i am always ready to wake up from those and
thankfully i return to a more peaceful sleep.
we made a fast trip to the farm today.
ugh.
my heart/stomach didn't enjoy it too much.
our youngest child,who hadn't been back
since the funeral was with us.
it wasn't easy for her either.
the house has changed a bit.
my stomach responded with queasiness.
one of these days i need to make/take the time
to just go ahead and again allow myself to
feel these painful feelings of
missing dad.
of closing up my parents life.
i've done it some, but not enough i guess.
a broken heart is not my idea of fun.
and sometimes when the heart ache comes
it's not really a convenient time to have
a grief burst.
but the dreams are speaking for my heart.
sadness, confusion, anxiety.
my introverted self becomes even more so
when it takes so much energy to be chatty
and polite around people.
i kind of pretend i'm okay i guess.
and sometimes i feel okay.
but then i am drained from too much noise,
or people time.
i just need to hole-up for awhile and put myself
back together again.
and then i can function for a bit.
brown eyed handsome man mentioned
today that each time since dad died that
i've been to the farm
it takes me 2-3 days to recover.
hmmm..
he wasn't complaining, just stating a fact.
i read something recently in a grief newsletter
i get from hospice.
" grief is not about letting go..
grief is about finding ways to continue the
connection even as we live a different,
now changed life."
words worth pondering on.
sad to say they aren't pleasant dreams.
he's dying or already dead in them but the
situation is different than the reality we had.
ugh.
i am always ready to wake up from those and
thankfully i return to a more peaceful sleep.
we made a fast trip to the farm today.
ugh.
my heart/stomach didn't enjoy it too much.
our youngest child,who hadn't been back
since the funeral was with us.
it wasn't easy for her either.
the house has changed a bit.
my stomach responded with queasiness.
one of these days i need to make/take the time
to just go ahead and again allow myself to
feel these painful feelings of
missing dad.
of closing up my parents life.
i've done it some, but not enough i guess.
a broken heart is not my idea of fun.
and sometimes when the heart ache comes
it's not really a convenient time to have
a grief burst.
but the dreams are speaking for my heart.
sadness, confusion, anxiety.
my introverted self becomes even more so
when it takes so much energy to be chatty
and polite around people.
i kind of pretend i'm okay i guess.
and sometimes i feel okay.
but then i am drained from too much noise,
or people time.
i just need to hole-up for awhile and put myself
back together again.
and then i can function for a bit.
brown eyed handsome man mentioned
today that each time since dad died that
i've been to the farm
it takes me 2-3 days to recover.
hmmm..
he wasn't complaining, just stating a fact.
i read something recently in a grief newsletter
i get from hospice.
" grief is not about letting go..
grief is about finding ways to continue the
connection even as we live a different,
now changed life."
words worth pondering on.
Monday, June 22, 2015
good byes don't come easy
Well today was ... spikey,
roller coastery... emotionally charged.
i will admit it's hard to see your childhood disintegrate.
the dresser you had and shared with your sister
no longer has a home.
when we got it mom painted it pink and white.
then bird got her own room, and eventually
mom and i painted it white and added some "classy"
gold decals and fancy drawer pulls.
our attempt to give it an french country look.
45 years later it's still "french country".
our old table that was the "dining table", until it
became the sewing table. we have photos of us
sitting at that table. i'm at it in my 1 yr old photo.
it needs a new home.
and then dad's desk.
it's not very big and the style is early american.
but i remember when we got it.
such excitement. a desk for dad.
a place to keep track of farm paperwork and such.
i remember where it sat in the living room.
i also remember being excited because
now maybe i could do my homework at it...
a real honest to goodness desk.
well.... once in awhile i got to.
i also remember dad sharing many words of caution
in how to behave at the desk.
don't mark on it
don't scuff it.
don't put things in the drawers!
and yet, there it now sits, lonely, empty
and no one wants it or has room for it.
i understand.
truly.
but still.. it's hard.
i know i know
i am not the first person to close up a life of their
parents. and i won't be the last.
but i (we) are doing this and
it's our journey and sometimes
it's just soo hard.
like today i'm at dads bank.
an old high school classmate comes by,
pats my shoulder and sweetly asks
"how are you ?"
and i crumble.
my heart drops,
tears stream down my cheeks
and i say
"not too good today.
yesterday was fathers day and
today is very very hard."
she understood as i knew she would.
there was no need to pretend to feel other
than how i felt.
the lady who is helping me said
"i understand.
it's been 15 years since my dad died
and yesterday was hard for me too."
i told them i concentrated very hard yesterday
on being thankful to just have had a good dad
worth missing..
but sometimes those tears need out.
grief and honesty.
when shared the load lightens a bit.
so in my attempt to process this journey
i've returned to writing in hopes
that talking about it eases my heart.
good night pops...enjoy the cookie.
roller coastery... emotionally charged.
i will admit it's hard to see your childhood disintegrate.
the dresser you had and shared with your sister
no longer has a home.
when we got it mom painted it pink and white.
then bird got her own room, and eventually
mom and i painted it white and added some "classy"
gold decals and fancy drawer pulls.
our attempt to give it an french country look.
45 years later it's still "french country".
our old table that was the "dining table", until it
became the sewing table. we have photos of us
sitting at that table. i'm at it in my 1 yr old photo.
it needs a new home.
and then dad's desk.
it's not very big and the style is early american.
but i remember when we got it.
such excitement. a desk for dad.
a place to keep track of farm paperwork and such.
i remember where it sat in the living room.
i also remember being excited because
now maybe i could do my homework at it...
a real honest to goodness desk.
well.... once in awhile i got to.
i also remember dad sharing many words of caution
in how to behave at the desk.
don't mark on it
don't scuff it.
don't put things in the drawers!
and yet, there it now sits, lonely, empty
and no one wants it or has room for it.
i understand.
truly.
but still.. it's hard.
i know i know
i am not the first person to close up a life of their
parents. and i won't be the last.
but i (we) are doing this and
it's our journey and sometimes
it's just soo hard.
like today i'm at dads bank.
an old high school classmate comes by,
pats my shoulder and sweetly asks
"how are you ?"
and i crumble.
my heart drops,
tears stream down my cheeks
and i say
"not too good today.
yesterday was fathers day and
today is very very hard."
she understood as i knew she would.
there was no need to pretend to feel other
than how i felt.
the lady who is helping me said
"i understand.
it's been 15 years since my dad died
and yesterday was hard for me too."
i told them i concentrated very hard yesterday
on being thankful to just have had a good dad
worth missing..
but sometimes those tears need out.
grief and honesty.
when shared the load lightens a bit.
so in my attempt to process this journey
i've returned to writing in hopes
that talking about it eases my heart.
good night pops...enjoy the cookie.
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Miss you Pops
Our first fathers day with out a chance to give you a hug,
or a bag of candy or homemade goodies.
First fathers day to not sit with you in church.
Fix you lunch.
Take a picture together.
sigh....
Today I've really worked on being thankful for all
the years I got to do those things.
Thankful to have been your daughter for 57 years.
But here we are at the end of day and no matter how
thankful I am for all the good things...
I still miss you. Miss your grin,
words of fun and wisdom, and just miss you.
Brown eyed handsome man wore one of your tie clasps today.
When he mentioned it in church my eyes filled up.
When the sweet little old man sitting behind me in church
began to sing the hyms... my eyes filled up.
I think it's all those years of you filling up my heart with love,
support and life that makes my eyes fill up now too.
Finally decided to stop looking at pictures of you today
because then i missed you even more.
thanks God for my daddy.
give him a big hug from me please.
or a bag of candy or homemade goodies.
First fathers day to not sit with you in church.
Fix you lunch.
Take a picture together.
sigh....
Today I've really worked on being thankful for all
the years I got to do those things.
Thankful to have been your daughter for 57 years.
But here we are at the end of day and no matter how
thankful I am for all the good things...
I still miss you. Miss your grin,
words of fun and wisdom, and just miss you.
Brown eyed handsome man wore one of your tie clasps today.
When he mentioned it in church my eyes filled up.
When the sweet little old man sitting behind me in church
began to sing the hyms... my eyes filled up.
I think it's all those years of you filling up my heart with love,
support and life that makes my eyes fill up now too.
Finally decided to stop looking at pictures of you today
because then i missed you even more.
thanks God for my daddy.
give him a big hug from me please.
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