If only

Yesterday I was watering my hyacinths
And thought I heard noise in the house.
I briefly wondered what it was
But kept watering.
Then a quiet little thought slipped into my mind
" oh it's probably Dan who will tell me Mom is on the phone"
???
Wouldn't that be GRAND.
It's been too long since I talked to her.

A few weeks ago in church a sweet Godly woman
Reminded me of my momma.
And not for the first time either.
But it was the encouraging way she nodded at her grand daughter
That caught my heart this time.
I had seen my momma doing the same thing.

Grief.
You never know when or what or even how long it will
Slip in for a reminder of what I loved.
What I still love but can't express it directly anymore.

Sigh
Maybe it's the time of year that's sparked this
Spring, flowers,
Resurrection.
Might be because a family I know
Is spending many hospital hours with their mom.
I remember those.

Regardless I am
Letting the tears fall.
Missing my sweet, funny, encouraging momma
And reminding myself to lean on Jesus for comfort,
Peace, wisdom as I wade through this grief burst,
Hoping it doesn't settle in for a stay.

Which is why I'm writing.
In hope that expressing my heart it will
Settle down and move on once again
In to the joy of life.

squirrel lessons

i was squirrel watching yesterday morning.

the little fur ball was madly munching away 

on an acorn. 

we have a lovely oak tree that 

provides shade for me, 

home for those crazy doves,

and food for the squirrels.

mr. squirrel was sitting under our pergola.

merrily munching acorns
with periodic bouts of scampering 

about the yard.

all of a sudden in swoops a rather large bird

who i'm certain is a hawk.

i'm thinking he's seen mr. s. and has flown

in for breakfast. 

mr. hawk lands on the west edge of the pergola 

quietly watching mr. s. 

from my ring side dining room chair i begin

to give warning to mr. s.

"watch out! do you see him? 

you better take cover or you'll be 

mincemeat."

all the while i'm debating if i want to 

be a witness to the scene i am positive 

will happen. 

do i want to start my day with the memory of 

how a hawk catches breakfast? 

but i am fascinated so linger longer.

mr. h hunches over the pergola edge pondering his pounce.

mr.s finally sees the hawk.

i'm certain he will now run under the spirea bush
trembling in fear.

but will that be enough protection?
i'm imagining a flurry of wings, fur,
feathers and leaves happening soon in the bush.

suddenly mr.s boldly marches over to the pergola,

and then...
he runs up the side heading to the top. 

what?
oh no! he's a gonner....

hahaha. 

nope .

see this pint sized critter has a david mentality.

he charges at the hawk who leaps up 

wings flapping furiously but settles back down

on the east edge of the pergola.
mr. s isn't satisfied so

upon this change of plans he bravely

charges to the east pergola side chasing off his goliath

who this time flies out of my yard.

mr. s. does a victory dance.

what a great start to my day..

Letting go, or not

what a week its been.
hurricane harvey stirring up trouble
along with concerns for our son
and his lady. 
he was working off shore, she was manning 
their home. 
thankful to report minimal leaking
of their roof is all they had.
still there was a bit of concern from this momma.

that was the start of several days of many concerns
and tender heart moments.
within 9 days I not only had harvey 
to contend with emotionally, 
but several other things. 
a sweet aunt slipped into heaven.
then a cousin also did 9 days later.
goodbyes are rarely easy.
 
add all that to the big weekend.

hubby had decided to hike a big mountain
in honor of his 60th year. 
he chose Labor Day weekend to do so.
our kids wanted to come
so we rented a big cabin.
they bought airline tickets
and the anticipation began.

except...harvey...
challenges were strong getting our son
off the rig. 
delays more than once thwarted plans.
i kept saying "God knows best" 
and kept praying for safety 
and wisdom.

endless plans, 
innumerable flights changed
and a few anxious moments,
but they did arrive, only a day late.
thanks be to God.

sunday was hiking day for three brave souls.
water, snacks, sunscreen, etc packed
and off they went at 7:30 am.
hubby was certain they would be back by 1.
i was thinking more like 3 or 4.

i got to spend the day with our
grandson, youngest daughter, 
very weary son and his lady.
we enjoyed a relaxing day.
we received updates on the hikers
and knew all was going well.
 
however it was taking longer than we/they thought.
much longer.
that's fine, still time to get down before dark.
uh huh   ............
well dark was quickly coming and i began to get
anxious.
its 7 pm. way past 1, 3 and 4.
what if they got stuck on the trail?
no blankets only jackets
but bears and other wildlife.
do I call someone or what and when? 
i was anxious. 
i was tired.
i finally said a bit forcefully to our 3 kids that didn't hike.
" i'm getting weary of praying all you guys safe 
and where you are supposed to be. 
if you would just be 
where you are supposed to be when you are supposed to be,
it would be easier on me. "
(notice the me factor.)
like they can control the weather

i pulled the grandsons pull toy
train around and around the couch
following him like he requested.
(it was his parents hiking with granddad
so he was getting anxious too.)
settle down grammie, you know better.

praise the Lord 30 minutes later the hikers arrived
safe and sound at 7:30 pm.

sure was good to give hubby a big hug. 
i hung on extra long even.
my emotions had been spent. 
too many ups and downs for nine days.

regardless of my anxiety God has remained
faithful.
why I struggled with that one last bit
of letting go? 
too many roller coaster situations and emotions
is my guess.

good thing God wasn't worried. 

Holiday Memories 2016

pondering things on my mind these days...

-watching the morning birds dining at the feeder 

with our eight month old grandson. 

-seeing our daughter's reaction to the surprise 

of their brother showing up for Christmas.

much squealing, hugging, and jumping was involved. 

they are all adults too. 😍

-laughter with all our kids in our home...

at the same time. 

(last time we enjoyed a holiday

all together was in 2012.)

-holding the hand of my dying friend,

and silly conversations with her and her family. 

- the joy and excitement a baby 

brings to our home.

-watching that little butterbean charm the socks off

his uncle and aunts. 

- a pew, or two, full of family at mass with 

my mom-in-love. 

-reconnecting with old friends from faraway. 

thanks be to God. 

It's the little things

or one " little thing" in particular.
his name is butter - bean.
Not really, but that seems to be the name
That slips most often from my mouth.
Or the words " oh my grandson I love you".

I recently figured something out about my heart.
Or maybe I put things together
Regardless, I've been saying for the past 8 1/2 months
How I don't feel so empty now.
This precious gift has filled up the holes
In my heart.
Holes that came after the deaths of my parents.

Sometimes I would ponder on that fact.
Just what how did that work?
I feel like I still love my parents
And always will.
So how can I feel empty and sometimes alone?

Finally it dawned on me..
Now I have a person for that love to go.
A sweet dark eyed, ear to ear grinning
Little bundle of drool and baby chatter
To give my love to.
I can hug him.
I can kiss his chubby cheeks and nuzzle his neck
Until he literally gives out these cute
Deep baby giggles.

Oh my world is always good.
Blessed.
But to have this heart stealing charmer to give
Love to...
such a gift.

Thanks God for butter bean.

A table full

yesterday I put the leaves back in under the dining table.
All but one chick had left the nest,
It was time to make the table smaller.
As I remembered the recent meals of love and giggles
I couldn't help but travel back in my memories.

We've fed many bodies around this stately yet sturdy gift
In the 16 years we've had it.
We've eaten an assortment of good food.
Played innumerable rounds of spoons, phase 10, catch phrase, just to name a few.
We've been honored to host both sides of our family,
Our friends, our children's friends, missionaries,
and more.

Before this was our table it had lived a few years of a quiet life on the farm.
You see, it was my paternal grandmas table and she died in 1969.
From then until 2001 the table only hosted my old bachelor uncles mail on the old lace cloth.
And then it came back to life in our home.

However in its previous life it had been loved and well used by
My cousins by the dozens,
Aunts, uncles, and even grandparents sat there before
It became mine.

As I slid each leaf back into storage I couldn't help but
Think of the grandpa I never knew.
Where did he get this cherished piece?
And did he ever think that someday a great great grandson
Would dine at it too?
Five generations of family have eaten at the same table.

Seems like it was a wise investment.
Thanks grandpa.

Almost here

Our grand baby is almost here.
Due date is two weeks from yesterday.
Was nice to turn the calendar to April
Because I know it's closer .

Yes I'm looking forward to this new adventure.

Brown eyed handsome man and I saw the movie
Big Fat Greek Wedding II today.
We laughed and laughed.
So many life situations we identified with
And there are just some funny lines
And unexpected things.

We also shed a few tears.
Again situations we identify with.
Tender times of love, life changes,
Family events.
I remember celebrating with family and friends
Our daughters wedding.
All the planning and then the fun too.
And now a baby for that bride and her hubby.

My heart went to the lines in another terrific movie
Fiddler on the Roof, and the song Sunrise Sunset.
" I don't remember growing older,  when did they?"
You guessed it.
My eyes got teary.
Our " little girl" is soon to be loving on her
own baby.
Where did the years go?

Pull yourself together here Grammie.
Change is life.
Life is change.

my heritage

for about an hour i had
a young inquisitive visitor.
(his parents and grandpa
were doing some work
on our house.)
he arrived after school
and proudly told his 
grandpa he moved up a
reading level!
after some playing outside
he was in to sit and chat.

while his busy hands
twisted the fringe on my afghan
i heard about "the beat".
"i can do it outside."
and he demonstrated
clap stomp clap stomp.
although it didn't sound
as good as in the gym
full of kids he said.

i tell him about the squirrel
that stood up on hind feet,
hands splayed peering
in my big picture window
looking for the birdseed i
brought inside to keep
mr. squirrel out of it!

soon we are watching 
the backyard birds dine.
birds swoop in perching
on the dried flower stems
waiting in line for their turn.
the blue jays colors catch our eye
as it zips about in the evergreen trees.
i get the binoculars for easier 
identification of other birds.
we see finches, sparrows and 
chickadees.

so much enjoyment i'm getting
from life via a first grade boy. 
all too soon the work is done
and off they go.

and i think fondly of my mom.

she would have done the same thing...
and her mom who did too.
and my aunti who still does.

i think that's a mighty fine
heritage to have.
 

 

 
 

 
 



 

 

 

 

today is good

four years ago was a hard hard day.
four years ago my sweet momma 
moved to heaven.
sometimes it seemed like my heart went with her.

the year after she died was full of sorrow,
sometimes confusion, lots of weeping,
and taking it a day (or minute) at a time.

but today my heart is not broken.
my eyes are not weeping.
my spirit feels thankful.
its been more of a celebration
than mourning.
how blessed to be the daughter of
some pretty terrific people.
my folks weren't perfect,
but i had a mighty fine "raising".

so this day and this week i've been
celebrating life.
i brought home fresh flowers in 
memory of not only mom, 
but my father-in-love.

lots of happy life happening here.
i've watched the squirrels
play tag around the trees.
seen the birds splash and slurp
in the bird bath.
and have felt blessed all week.

thanks be to God for these
gifts of life.
 
 
 

name changes

my name is going to change next year.
i'm pretty excited about it actually.
still married to brown-eyed-handsome-man
his name will change too.

a little mancub will be joining our family
in the spring.
our first grandbaby!!!

this little wonder and delight will keep
me on the road.
or i should say in the air.
the parents live far away.
but....
as we've always told our kids
you can run but you can't hide!
we will find you.
we will visit.

here's to new names....
and grand babies
and life!

signing off,
grammie and granddad


 



 

sometimes...

in mid afternoon the clouds came,
the sky became overcast and dark.
the wind began to blow in a small rain shower.
temps dropped nearly 15 degrees in 45 minutes.

a year ago i would have made a call.
i would have called dad asking if 
he too got the small 'squall' of a storm.
and we would have chatted about 
what we each had done that day.
what we would do when i would
visit him the next day.
what "goodie" i would bake for him.

i miss those calls.
those little times to re-connect with my dad.
to just sit together looking out the big
picture window or sit on the front porch 
watching the world go on.

many many times i want to give him a call.
but that's just not possible. 
sometimes i just look up and tell him
whatever i wanted to say anyway.
i like to think he hears me.

i know how much happier he is.
his body is healthy,
his mind is clear and
he is once again with mom, his parents,
and all his siblings.
and Jesus.

whats not to love about that?

but sometimes...
my world is just too empty. 

 
 

 
 

head and heart not on the same page

i want to feel good.
i don't want to hurt.
my mind wants good too.
but the heart.
oh the heart has a mind of it's own.

so i'm slogging through the hard part of grief.
the weepy, indecisive, 
don't-remember-like-i-should part.

dreaming weird when i sleep.
ugh. 
the grief bursts on the prowl
and coming often, unexpectedly
as they do.

it will pass in awhile.
when i've shed enough tears
to let go of the heart ache for a bit.
and i will have strength to carry on
until the weepy's return.

yet
i know it will return.
this is what mourning is/does.


currently i am mourning the
loss of my childhood home 
as well as dad dying.
already the inside has changed.
rooms dismantled,
things gone completely.
it no longer feels like home.
it's empty of life.
but not memories.
and those memories right now 
aren't quite as comforting as i would like.

no more family dinners at the big table.
no more watching sunrises, sunsets,
listening to the owls, pheasants and
evening doves.
yes, i can go back. it is still owned by 
my brother. but you see, 
it's not the same. 
when dad died, the life literally and 
figuratively left the home.
it was different after mom died, 
but dad was still there.
now it's just EMPTY.
even with a bit of furniture there.
it "reads" empty. 
and that hurts.

this morning when i wasn't sleeping 
i got a God moment.
i was taking the trash to the curb,
came around the house going down
the driveway and see a little movement 
out of the corner of my eye.
it startles me.
then i see it's a small little cotton tail bunny.
"stupid rabbit" i exclaim.

quickly i realize he was a gift.

i no longer live in the country
but i have a rabbit...a bit of wild life
that shares part of the block with us. 
and i know God just wanted me to be 
reminded of His presence.
thanks be to God.

later reading a devotional thought online
the writer finishes off saying God
calls us daughter.
true. 
and i needed that.
even the grief burst that came
with it recognizing God is calling me daughter. 
some being can and does call me by that name.
oh how i need that. 
thanks be to God.




 

 

 
 

 


 

times like these i really really miss them...

happy news in our family recently.
our youngest has become engaged.
he's a really good fella and they
complement each other nicely.
this is a great thing in my book.

yet, it's times like this i miss my folks.
it's times like this i feel a bit alone.
not orphaned... never... just alone.
i miss not getting to tell them this good news.

they would be happy for their youngest
grandchild. i can hear mom say,
"oh bekah rosie i am happy for you."
or "grandpa can you believe this girl is getting married?"
and grandpa would say, "no". 
(he was a man of few words.)
 
neither of my folks got to meet our new 
son-in-love-to-be.
they would have liked him.
he's kind, generous, considerate and funny.
a lot like my parents. 

and he would have liked them.

this sweet/sad time will pass for me.
just talking about it here helps a bit.
and i really am happy for the newly
engaged couple. 
so is brown eyed handsome man.

big hugs teacher daughter and mr. e.
let us know how/when/if we can help.

 

troubled nights and rambling thoughts

3 times in this past week i have dreamed of dad.
sad to say they aren't pleasant dreams.
he's dying or already dead in them but the
situation is different than the reality we had.
ugh.
i am always ready to wake up from those and
thankfully i return to a more peaceful sleep.

we made a fast trip to the farm today.
ugh.
my heart/stomach didn't enjoy it too much.
our youngest child,who hadn't been back 
since the funeral was with us.
it wasn't easy for her either.
the house has changed a bit.
my stomach responded with queasiness.

one of these days i need to make/take the time
to just go ahead and again allow myself to
feel these painful feelings of 
missing dad.
of closing up my parents life.
i've done it some, but not enough i guess.

a broken heart is not my idea of fun.
and sometimes when the heart ache comes
it's not really a convenient time to have
a grief burst.
but the dreams are speaking for my heart.
sadness, confusion, anxiety.

my introverted self becomes even more so
when it takes so much energy to be chatty
and polite around people. 
i kind of pretend i'm okay i guess.
and sometimes i feel okay.
but then i am drained from too much noise,
or people time.
i just need to hole-up for awhile and put myself
back together again. 
and then i can function for a bit.

brown eyed handsome man mentioned
today that each time since dad died that
i've been to the farm 
it takes me 2-3 days to recover. 
hmmm..
he wasn't complaining, just stating a fact.

i read something recently in a grief newsletter
i get from hospice.
" grief is not about letting go..
grief is about finding ways to continue the
connection even as we live a different,
now changed life." 

words worth pondering on.

 
 
 

 

 
 

good byes don't come easy

Well today was ... spikey,
roller coastery... emotionally charged.

i will admit it's hard to see your childhood disintegrate.
the dresser you had and shared with your sister
no longer has a home.
when we got it mom painted it pink and white.
then bird got her own room, and eventually
mom and i painted it white and added some "classy"
gold decals and fancy drawer pulls.
our attempt to give it an french country look.
45 years later it's still "french country".

our old table that was the "dining table", until it
became the sewing table. we have photos of us
sitting at that table. i'm at it in my 1 yr old photo.
it needs a new home.

and then dad's desk.
it's not very big and the style is early american.
but i remember when we got it.
such excitement. a desk for dad.
a place to keep track of farm paperwork and such.
i remember where it sat in the  living room.
i also remember being excited because
now maybe i could do my homework at it...
a real honest to goodness desk.
well.... once in awhile i got to.
i also remember dad sharing many words of caution
in how to behave at the desk.
don't mark on it
don't scuff it.
don't put things in the drawers!

and yet, there it now sits, lonely, empty
and no one wants it or has room for it.
i understand.
truly.
but still.. it's hard.

i know i know
i am not the first person to close up a life of their
parents. and i won't be the last.
but i (we) are doing this and
it's our journey and sometimes
it's just soo hard.

like today i'm at dads bank.
an old high school classmate comes by,
pats my shoulder and sweetly asks
"how are you ?"
and i crumble.
my heart drops,
tears stream down my cheeks
and i say
"not too good today.
yesterday was fathers day and
today is very very hard."
she understood as i knew she would.
there was no need to pretend to feel other
than how i felt.
the lady who is helping me said
"i understand.
it's been 15 years since my dad died
and yesterday was hard for me too."
i told them i concentrated very hard yesterday 
on being thankful to just have had a good dad 
worth missing..
but sometimes those tears need out.

grief and honesty. 
when shared the load lightens a bit. 

so in my attempt to process this journey
i've returned to writing in hopes
that talking about it eases my heart.

good night pops...enjoy the cookie.

Miss you Pops

Our first fathers day with out a chance to give you a hug,
or a bag of candy or homemade goodies.
First fathers day to not sit with you in church.
Fix you lunch.
Take a picture together.

sigh....

Today I've really worked on being thankful for all
the years I got to do those things.
Thankful to have been your daughter for 57 years.

But here we are at the end of day and no matter how
thankful I am for all the good things...
I still miss you. Miss your grin,
words of fun and wisdom, and just miss you.
Brown eyed handsome man wore one of your tie clasps today.
When he mentioned it in church my eyes filled up.
When the sweet little old man sitting behind me in church
began to sing the hyms... my eyes filled up.

I think it's all those years of you filling up my heart with love,
support and life that makes my eyes fill up now too.

Finally decided to stop looking at pictures of you today
because then i missed you even more.

thanks God for my daddy.
give him a big hug from me please.

dear old dad

just 4 months pops.
4 months since i saw your blue eyes.
4 months since your worn out body shuffled
from one room in your home to another.

we had a good run daddio.
it was a grand one actually.
i miss hanging out with you,
sitting on the front porch watching
the birds or playing with cooper.
commenting on what was in the truck 
that just zipped down the road.
i miss fixing you lunch
and eating at the table together.
i miss you walking me out to my car 
when i left for home.
i miss phone calls of weather reports 
telling each other who got how much rain...
and a zillion other things.

i don't miss you being sick and in pain.
or missing momma and having long lonely days. 

i like to think of you two young and 
having fun in heaven.
your hair isn't gray, your smile
is wide and the jokes and stories are
flowing freely. 
happy memories of my sweet childhood.
 
did you know we have your car?
and your pickup?
thanks for taking such good care of them.
and yes, we've already put miles on both.
we are practicing what you and mom preached
"travel while you're young".
even though when you got old you often commented 
to me, "you sure go lots." 
and i smiled and said
"i learned from the best". 

just 2 months before you died you asked me
"why am i still here?"
"i guess God isn't finished with you yet pops."
God got finished with you sooner than we expected
however.
even in those hard days and nights i have sweet memories
of time with you. 
i would do it all again dad.
i surely would.
love you always and forever

p.s. we've had so much rain
everything is very green
and gorgeous. 
bet your view is pretty sweet.

 
 

my friend went to heaven with out me yesterday.
she wasn't in a hurry and did her best to live
as long as she could.
she packed a lot of living in 53 years.
she had lots more living she wanted to do.
graduations, weddings, babies, and growing old with 
her hubby. 

there is a big hole in my heart.
tears are my companion today.
so are smiles and a few chuckles too.
we shared those things together in the 19 years
i was blessed to call her my friend.

 
 

oh what a week it's been...

...full of highs and lows.

and not just temperatures either. 
yes  we started out with warm days.
even got up to the low 70's. 
woohoo!

and then it dropped drastically.
by wednesday it was breath stealing cold. 
low teens, even single digits
with negative wind chills. 
no woohoo 
more like boohoo.
***
i started the week at my sisters having a grand time.
spent mid-week with a bunch 
of girlfriends doing the yearly mammogram
adventure and shopping.
much laughing and giggling happened.
every one got the a okay health wise too!
thanks God.
woohoo!

finished the week by telling my dad's 
remaining sibling good bye.
my uncle went to heaven this evening.  
i think he was 88.
i got to visit him and his family this afternoon.
heard some sweet early marriage stories.
they were married for 68 years.
i admire those kinds of commitments.
they even lost a son to cancer and
remained strong through that.
thank You God. 

before i left i gave my uncle a hug and 
asked him to give mom a hug when 
he got to heaven. 
i'm going to miss him. 

i bet they get the card-party gang together 
for a rousing round of pinochle.




 
 

kitchen dancin' and recipe wanderin'

i am feeling domestic today it seems.
i have organized the laundry room,
doing laundry.
baked a pumpkin,
roasted pumpkin seeds,
and...
making a veggie lasagna.

brown-eyed-handsome-man 
is working today,
so i've got the music cranked up
and i've been moving and grooving.

ya wanna know what the music is?
several years ago a mixed cd
of eye-talian music was made
to be used at my nephews
wedding rehearsal supper.
and when i knew i wanted to try a new
lasagna recipe, i knew it called 
for eye-talian music.
fyi, brown-eyed-h.m. pronounces it that way. 
and HE is on my mind.
see he is a meat man.
he will tolerate veggies...
as long as he has a meat chaser!

veggie lasagna has NO meat.
i can bet money he will NOT
even try it.  
***

this morning i read a recipe using butternut squash
it sounded very tasty. 
but...
butternut squash i do not have.
however i do have pumpkins we grew on the farm,
and they are technically squash...
so why not?

often with me, one thing leads to another..
bake the pumpkin, might as well roast the seeds. 
then i needed to make a run to our local
mini-mart for mozzarella cheese.
well they had portabella mushrooms
and fresh zucchini.
tasty idea.
and then i've had these beets for awhile,
so...
one veggie led to another.
and i knew i had lost the chance 
b.e.h.m would even get close to this dish.
his loss i'm certain. 
not to mention i was no longer following the recipe.
***

all this wandering got me to wondering...
do YOU follow the recipes?  
 ***

in the mean time the veggie lasagna is baking
and Mack the Knife has kept
me company and kitchen dancin'.

i think i'll take a nap...
unless i make a pie with the 
rest of the baked pumkin.
wonder if i have the ingredients?

p.s.
look what just came out of the oven.